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Davidu
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  • 2 weeks later...

GOD VS SATAN

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite and Satan created McDonald's and its £1 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said "it is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day .......... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with all sorts of assets and capabilities and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

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  • 3 weeks later...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds Himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.

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  • 1 month later...

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says:

"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds:

"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says:

"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:

"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:

"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."

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  • 1 month later...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

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A man and his son were forced by hard times to surrender their pet and prize pig up for slaughter.  The father and son could not bring themselves to butcher their prize pig.  So  they decided that they would drown the pig in a bucket of water.  So the father and son duo seized the hog, wrestled it to the bucket of water.  Together the father and son team forced the hog to keep its head submerged in the bucket of water.  After about ten minutes, the father and son look down at the motionless body of the pig.  Believing that they had accomplished their mission they let go of the pig.  When they did, the pig scampered off running free.  They looked into the pail of water to find it empty

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One day a South African Preacher, Nigerian Preacher, and American Preacher were meeting at a conference and the topic of how they divide their weekly tithes came up.

The South African said, "What I do is simple. I draw a line down the center of a room and then throw all of the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the right is God's, whatever lands on the left is mine."

The Nigerian looks at him and said, "No, No, No. You should do as I do. Draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God."

The American at both of them condescendingly says, "You backwards Africans, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, 'God, Take what you want!.' Whatever comes back down is mine......"

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  • 4 weeks later...

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male resident of Dacula, Georgia, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least, I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate for his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really in to it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching, and he was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? D*mn...is it midnight already?""

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  • 2 weeks later...

THE WHITE RABBIT

The LAPD (Los Angeles Police Department), FBI and the CIA were all asked to prove that they were capable of apprehending terrorists.

The President, George W, decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plant and material witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in: After two weeks with no leads, they bomb the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies; the rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD go in. They come out after two hours with a badly beaten bear, with its paw behind its back. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit. I'm a rabbit."

Tony Blair hears about this and decides to test the British Law Enforcement and Intelligence Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Epping Forest outside London.

The National Crime Squad couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise that if they are given a budget increase they can recover

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http://www.wired.com/news/columns/0,72508-0.html?tw=wn_index_3

When Good Cows Go Mad

2007: A biotechnology company in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, breeds cattle that are immune to mad cow disease. A relieved beef industry pours funding into the lab.

2008: Mad-cow-immune cows become the standard for livestock, but it is discovered that their prion-resistant brains have given them a primitive, sinister intelligence. Farmhand kickings, rodeo clown gorings and milkmaid stompings rise 400 percent. A few of the cows escape into the wild, making capture difficult. The government decides to sow biogenetically engineered grasses in their grazing areas, grasses that will release deadly spores into their systems.

2009: The genetically engineered grass spores fuse symbiotically with the musculature of the cows, giving them enhanced strength, increased endurance and possibly X-ray vision. These evil veg-cows begin to harass South Dakotan suburbs. Deciding to give genetic engineering a rest, the Department of Homeland Security instead creates a small army of cybernetically enhanced cougars to track and hunt the super-cows.

2010: The cybercougars are able to take out nearly all the veg-cattle except for a few pockets of resistance. They then turn their attention to the human population. Cybercougars spread throughout Montana, Wyoming and Nebraska. Omaha is evacuated and falls to the cougars, and all major cities in Wyoming are abandoned, to the extent that Wyoming has major cities. Government forces are unable to restore order, and the president orders non-nuclear electromagnetic pulse bombs to be fired into much of the Midwest, hoping to disable the robotic predators.

2011: The electromagnetic pulses take out only about half the cougars, but interrupt the electric grid from Utah to Kentucky. Half the population of the United States is in darkness, and the cougars prey on those who dare leave their homes, batting their bodies around for hours in a grim mockery of adorable kitten posters. The military authorizes the construction of tens of thousands of units of exoskeletal battle armor, the most powerful personal armament ever constructed, in order to take back the Midwest.

2012: The battle armor is stolen from a secret research laboratory by a well-organized group of militant swingers, who use it to take over the state of Nevada, rechristening it the Progressive Republic of Swapovia. The cougars spread into Idaho, Washington and Oregon. The government reveals the existence of a secret cloning and neurotransfer program designed to replicate important celebrities. A special forces unit made up of clones of Dr. Phil is airlifted into Nevada with the goal of talking the Swapovians into a life of monogamy and weight loss.

2013: The Dr. Phil clones, on the verge of a negotiations breakthrough, suddenly contract a virus to which they are all genetically susceptible. In a desperate move, they are all given an untested super-antibiotic.

2014: An antibiotic-resistant form of the Dr. Phil virus assails the general public. This disease affects not only Dr. Phil, but any professional advice-giver. Columnists, life coaches and bartenders alike fall to the virulent disease. Without sound advice, wives are unable to leave their deadbeat husbands, teenagers are not warned against drunk driving, and nobody knows how to fix that knocking noise their '87 Grand Am makes when it gets rainy. American civilization collapses. Chicago is in flames. Boston is reduced to rubble. Los Angeles is somewhat less pleasant than it used to be.

2015: Aliens stop by Earth because they heard the Western Hemisphere was a good place to pick up a burger and a microbrew cheap. Disappointed in their quest, they extinguish the sun on their way out of the solar system, partially because they come from a vindictive planet, and partially because one of them got a sun extinguisher for his birthday and wanted to try it out. As the Earth enters an eternal freeze that no form of life will survive, America's global approval rating goes down by another 4 percent.

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  • 4 weeks later...

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