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Joke


Davidu

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  • 3 weeks later...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the

driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,

"Would you please take your

seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive

at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive

today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my

job! And what if something should happen?"

protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for

you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the

driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but

the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets

on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a

hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,

"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

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Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wondering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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Three guys are on a deserted island and find a genie. The genie says he'll give each of the men one wish. The first guy says, "Gee, I wish I was back at home with my wife and kids, they must really miss me." *POOF* He was gone. The second guy says, "My boss is going to be pretty pissed if I don't get back to work soon, I wish I was back." *POOF* He was gone. The third guy says, "Gee, I'm lonely, I wish my friends were back."

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have been married 32 years, took a look at my wife one day and said,

"Honey, 32 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a

sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep

every night with a hot 20-year-old.

Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but

I'm sleeping with a 52-year-old woman.  You're not holding up your side

of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a

hot 20-year-old blonde to sleep with and she would make sure that I

would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,

sleeping on a  sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

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An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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