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  • 1 month later...

There's a man at a bar with his friends. He's depressed because his longtime girlfriend left him for a woman, and his friends are encouraging him to get another girl. They point out an attractive woman who just entered the bar, and convince him to ask her out.

He goes up to her, and asks "Do you mind if I buy you a drink?" and she says, rather loudly, so the whole bar can hear her, "Get away from me you pervert, I'm not looking for random sex tonight!" Embarrassed, he returns to his table, depressed as ever.

The woman feels sorry for him, so she goes over and says, "I apologize for my reaction. You see, I am a psychology major, and I need to study the effects of public humiliation on random people."

The man stands up, and says rather loudly, so the whole bar can hear, "What do you mean 200 dollars?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

During a visit to a local psychiatric treatment center, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer

from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock

cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete

stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between

slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

>Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his

baton and starts beating the F__K out of the lawyer and says, "Do you

want me to stop, or just slow down

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2 Men get in a wreck. They come out the first man says: "Oh I'm sorry this is my fault, let me call the police."

The other man says: "No, no it's my fault." The first man calls. While they're waiting the first man says "Want a drink?" The second man says ok. He takes out a flask and the second man begins to drink. The second man says" Don't you want some?"

The first man says "No, I'll wait for the police to arrive."

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Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other

patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're the engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer from?"

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