Jump to content

Joke


Davidu
 Share

Recommended Posts

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell in to a barn yard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little bird.

The sparrow thought it was his end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sound. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him up. The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit - keep your mouth shut.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

(Curtain)

A chicken and an egg lay together in bed, naked, following what appears to have been a warm night of sexual congress. The chicken turns over to the egg:

CHICKEN: So, I guess that answers that question.

(End)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha, I'm glad you caught that Latin reference. I don't really know any good jokes, I'm afraid, Hwi--what you saw above I stole ruthlessly from a friend of mine. The only other joke I like is a Soviet-era joke that goes something like this, and please forgive any weirdness, I'm translating, here--

Two men wait for a bus.

One man turns to the other and says, "You know what the difference between the Party and a bus window is?"

The other man says, "What?"

The first man says, "Only one man can climb out the window of a bus, but everyone can climb out of the Party.

The second man stops to think, and asks, "You know what the difference between you and the bus is?"

The first man says, "What?"

The second man replies, "The bus will go to the next stop, but you--," as he's speaking he flips up the collar of his jacket to reveal a KGB shield and continues, "--will be coming with me."

The first man smiles and asks, "You know what the difference between you and me is?"

The second man replies, "What?"

The first man flips his own collar up to reveal a KGB shield.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That one sent a little chill down the spine. 

Ready for mine -

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And now for the greatest alliterative joke of all-time (beware, Adult Content follows):

A boy turns 16-years old and approaches his father to confess that he has never had a sexual experience. Aghast, his father demands that the boy follow him to a place in town where he will, and I quote, "learn all about sex." The boy follows his father, and as they round the corner to the back door of the brothel, they see a long line snaking its way out the door. The father stops his son, and hands him a duck.

"A duck?" The boy asks. The father explains, "Son, trust me, show them this duck, and they'll let you in the back free of charge. I've done it a thousand times." Cautiously, the boy agrees, and the father leaves him with the annoying animal. As the boy waits in line, a man cries out, and turns to him, "Kid, I totally forgot that I left my oven on, will you please take $5 to hold my place in line?" Reluctantly, the boy agrees, "But only if you'll hold take my duck with you and bring him back with you--I'll even return your five dollars," The man agrees, the boy takes the money, and the man runs off. Soon, he returns.

Eventually, the boy makes his way inside the brothel, hands over his duck, and proceeds to an encounter with one of the many ladies of ill-repute. Afterwards, the lady is so astonished at the boy's sexual prowess that she offers him the duck back if only he'll make love to her a second time. He agrees, and returns home with the duck. Seeing the duck, the father cries out; "Oh Goddammit, son, you failed! I told you to give them the duck--"

But the son exclaims, "Father, you don't understand, I got five bucks for a duck, a duck for five bucks, a f--k for a duck, a duck for a f--k, and I still have the f--king duck!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only other joke I like is a Soviet-era joke that goes something like this, and please forgive any weirdness, I'm translating, here--

Two men wait for a bus.

One man turns to the other and says, "You know what the difference between the Party and a bus window is?"

The other man says, "What?"

The first man says, "Only one man can climb out the window of a bus, but everyone can climb out of the Party.

The second man stops to think, and asks, "You know what the difference between you and the bus is?"

The first man says, "What?"

The second man replies, "The bus will go to the next stop, but you--," as he's speaking he flips up the collar of his jacket to reveal a KGB shield and continues, "--will be coming with me."

The first man smiles and asks, "You know what the difference between you and me is?"

The second man replies, "What?"

The first man flips his own collar up to reveal a KGB shield.

Hm, I know quite a few Soviet-era jokes but I hear this one for the first time. Is the original in Russian? :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Konyechno, just give me a little while to find out where I had written down/what book I found it in (I have one of those old-school, "500 Anekdotii" books), though, to be honest, there are literally millions of Soviet-era policeman jokes, it might take a while.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But the son exclaims, "Father, you don't understand, I got five bucks for a duck, a duck for five bucks, a f--k for a duck, a duck for a f--k, and I still have the f--king duck!"

Wolf, two dirty jokes on a Sunday?  Heathen! ;)

Two economists were having a discussion; one of them was an evolutionary economist.

Economist:  What impact did the French Revolution have on the world economy?

Evolutionary:  Too early to tell.

Trust me, it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How many Fritzls does it take to change a cellar light bulb?

With the amount of fingers those kids must have, not many.

They ripped another week of Elizabeth Fritzl's diary in court the other day.

MONDAY: Stayed in. Dad came down and fucked me.

TUESDAY: Stayed in. Dad shagged me again.

WEDNESDAY: Stayed in. Dad screwed me doggy style.

THURSDAY: Stayed in. Dad banged me bent over a desk.

FRIDAY: Stayed in. Dad did me from behind.

SATURDAY: Went to watch Man City play. Wish I'd stayed in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...
  • 1 month later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...