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Davidu

By Davidu
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jeff2429

jeff2429

Posted
Posted

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Edric O

Edric O

Posted
Posted

Sometimes bad acting only makes it more amusing.

But while we're on the subject of scripts, here's an example of what happens when you have no script at all. I give you, the human word randomizer!

Everywhere, like, such as, and.

  • 2 weeks later...
erjin999

erjin999

Posted
Posted

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer

from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock

cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete

stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between

slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

>Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his

baton and starts beating the F__K out of the lawyer and says, "Do you

want me to stop, or just slow down

Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

I laugh my ass off everytime I watch this. maybe not for everyone but hey, it's still good comedy.

                    ***Warning on the language***

jeff2429

jeff2429

Posted
Posted

2 Men get in a wreck. They come out the first man says: "Oh I'm sorry this is my fault, let me call the police."

The other man says: "No, no it's my fault." The first man calls. While they're waiting the first man says "Want a drink?" The second man says ok. He takes out a flask and the second man begins to drink. The second man says" Don't you want some?"

The first man says "No, I'll wait for the police to arrive."

jeff2429

jeff2429

Posted
Posted

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other

patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

jeff2429

jeff2429

Posted
Posted

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're the engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer from?"

  • 2 months later...
Kokiri-Mentat

Kokiri-Mentat

Posted
Posted

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac atheist?..............

......yea, he stayed up all night pondering the existence of dog. ;D ;D

*edit*

ok,ok.  it wasn't all that great.  here's another one.

[tt]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the

questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."[/tt]

  • 1 month later...
lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Dunenewt

Dunenewt

Posted
Posted

Also, Hitler got banned from XBox Live (this will only be funny if you don't understand German, since the subtitles have nothing whatsoever to do with the actual spoken words):

Heh, yeah, I understand the German fine so it does make the clip lose its comic effect a bit, when you hear what he is really saying.

  • 3 weeks later...
drahgoon

drahgoon

Posted
Posted

lol

hmm i think i know one hehe

an irish man walked out of a bar

LOL hehe. i dunno lol its 140am lol anyways b4 some irishmen get pissed at me im part irish too lol

MrFlibble

MrFlibble

Posted
Posted

I remember spending a huge amount of time running through the pages just to look at joke after joke.

Same with me. I even emailed some of them to my friend :)

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