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Davidu

By Davidu
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lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"

Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.

"What's the matter,son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there,starkers.

"You Wanker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack,and you're running around naked scaring the sh!t out of Brooklyn."

Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

Plane Conversation

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

(Unknown source) 

3 Good Arguments

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother".

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked wit! h his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He lived at home until he was 33.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proves that Jesus could have been a WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3.And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

gunner154

gunner154

Posted
Posted

OMG! That was awfully funny!

Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so

God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." He

said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will

always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of

them.

"She will not nag," God continued, "and will always be the first to admit

she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement, she will never have a

headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg!"

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

AND THE REST IS HISTORY.

E-mail

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can

be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled

streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a

business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick

e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written

her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed

instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed

away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her

e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing

scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note

on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

The Atheist, A Bear And God

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the

"accidents" that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he

said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes

behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards

him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder

and saw the grizzly was closing.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He

looked again and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell

to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right

over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw

strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God...!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist

and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help

you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to

ask to be religious after all these years, but perhaps you could make

the bear religious?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

..and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together

and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to

receive, I am truly thankful..."

This is Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti ...two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

_________________

lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

Said someone on a forum on Britain wanting to give ethnic minorities new names:

"You are british when you win Gold medals for the united kingdom, you are Black british when you are a human rights campaigner for ethnic minorities, you are Jamaican when you shoot a rival drug dealer, when you decide to play for the super eagles, you are a Nigerian international irrespective of whether you were born in the UK or not, you are a Nigerian crime syndicate when you defraud the welfare system, when you commit 419, you are a Nigerian crook, when you involve yourself in human trafficking, you are a BENIN human smuggler, when you sell pirate DVDs, you are part of the chinese Triad, when you are caught for firearm offences, you are a jamaican national, when you are caught for terrorist charges, you have links to the Al-quida, when a whiteman is caught with terrorist, he is a misguided white youth or punished for treason, when an old white man is caught with young men, he is a paedophile, Finally when a white man is caught for a crime, he is a petty thief"

('419' - scam. 'super eagles' - Nigerian national football team)

nemafakei

nemafakei

Posted
Posted

"You are british when you win Gold medals for the united kingdom, you are Black british when you are a human rights campaigner for ethnic minorities, you are Jamaican when you shoot a rival drug dealer, when you decide to play for the super eagles, you are a Nigerian international irrespective of whether you were born in the UK or not, you are a Nigerian crime syndicate when you defraud the welfare system, when you commit 419, you are a Nigerian crook, when you involve yourself in human trafficking, you are a BENIN human smuggler, when you sell pirate DVDs, you are part of the chinese Triad, when you are caught for firearm offences, you are a jamaican national, when you are caught for terrorist charges, you have links to the Al-quida, when a whiteman is caught with terrorist, he is a misguided white youth or punished for treason, when an old white man is caught with young men, he is a paedophile, Finally when a white man is caught for a crime, he is a petty thief"

And when you have grammar like that, you are American.

Dragoon Knight

Dragoon Knight

Posted
Posted

"You are british when you win Gold medals for the united kingdom, you are Black british when you are a human rights campaigner for ethnic minorities, you are Jamaican when you shoot a rival drug dealer, when you decide to play for the super eagles, you are a Nigerian international irrespective of whether you were born in the UK or not, you are a Nigerian crime syndicate when you defraud the welfare system, when you commit 419, you are a Nigerian crook, when you involve yourself in human trafficking, you are a BENIN human smuggler, when you sell pirate DVDs, you are part of the chinese Triad, when you are caught for firearm offences, you are a jamaican national, when you are caught for terrorist charges, you have links to the Al-quida, when a whiteman is caught with terrorist, he is a misguided white youth or punished for treason, when an old white man is caught with young men, he is a paedophile, Finally when a white man is caught for a crime, he is a petty thief"

And when you have grammar like that, you are American.

Now that's funny. :D

gunner154

gunner154

Posted
Posted

Three presidents: US, French and Ro are flying in a plane.

They agree to try and guess who's country are they flying over.

The US president goes to the door, opens the door and streches his hand out.

- This is USA!

- How do you know?

- I touched the head of the Statue of Liberty.

After a while the French president does the same.

- C'est la France!

- How do you know?

- I touched le Tour Eiffel.

The Romanian president does the same after a while and returns quite upset to his seat.

- What happened?

- That was my country that we flew over.

- How do you know?

- My watch "dissapeared"...

Can someone explain that joke to me? Thanks.

lowzeewee

lowzeewee

Posted
Posted

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . . I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

And after that?" asked the Mexican.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

Edric O

Edric O

Posted
Posted
I'd assume that the country of Romania is not exactly a crime-free state.

Yeah, that was Davidu's point - but I guess it's mostly an in-joke. ;)

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