Joke

[Sardauker-Kirov]

What's the difference between the Germans and the Dutch, even though we have similiar cultures?

If a German has plans for suiciding they drop themselves off a high mountain.

While a Dutchman breaks his neck on the low-lands of Holland by tripping himself.

[Edric O]

A bedtime chat between Father and Son...

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons Of mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if They had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it okay to Invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government Passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being

communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one…

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by Forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an Illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a Good job fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for Growing flowers, that was okay, but not if hey cut people's heads and Hands off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's okay with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the

penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except For her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her Eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repelled the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French Fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade...

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American Corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attached Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works, Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Goodnight, son.

Q: Good night, Daddy.

[JB]

That's a good joke, ha ha, :-

wait a sec, its not a joke, it really works that way, doesn't it, dad?

:O the world is a strange place...

[Nyarlathotep]

LOL

[Tio_Holtzmann]

Two irishmen were walking past the jobcentre and they saw a sign saying TREE FELLERS WANTED.

They walked away disappointed saying "Ah sure isn't it the shame there's only de two of us"

------------------------------------------

Paddy was walking through the park and he saw a sign on a litter bin saying REFUSE TO BE PUT INTO THIS BIN.

He got in the bin shouting "NO-ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO IN MY COUNTRY!"

-------------------------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

The barman said "What is this lads? Some kinda joke?"

[Davidu]

Man, that i so cool!

Really cool jokes appeared here since I was gone.

You make me proud guys.

[Edric O]

[ordos45]

Hmm, a sinister side to the Arnold Campaign Edric?

[Khan]

I liked Conan the Republican...

[Sardauker-Kirov]

1) The Mongols uses horsemen

- The Turkish and Huns copy them.

2) The Mongols uses spies

- The Turkish and huns copy them

3) The Mongols uses a 'Ghengis khan

- The Turkish doesn't succeed but the Huns do

4) The Mongols EATS pork-chops.

- The Turkish run in fear and the Huns hacks their lungs up.

[Wolf]

Edric; that's pretty funny. You could do that whole thing dating back to the American Revolution, and if you didn't confuse yourself blind before then, it might be just as funny as the first one. Did you find it, or make it up?

Not really a joke, but a quote from an excellent movie:

General: Now, Mr. President, if we hit 'em as soon as possible we can take out 85-90% of their nuclear capability with minimal losses. Minimal! Only 5-10 million on our side, TOPS!

President: General, I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler!

G: Mr. President, you have to stop worrying about your image in the history books and care about the American people!!!!!

(from Stanley Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb")

[Terror]

1.

A jew, a Belgian and a Dutchman were sent to Hitler to be executed, unless they answered right to the questions.

First the jew.

Hitler: What is on my head!

jew: A hat sir

Hitler: What's on it!

jew: a bird sir

Hitler: Is it a male or female?

jew: A female sir

Hitler: WRONG! bam, jew was shot.

Then the Belgian

Hitler: What is on my head!

Belgian: A hat sir

Hitler: What's on it!

Belgian: A bird sir

Hitler: Is it a male or female?

Belgian: A male sir

Hitler: How do you know?!

Belgian: Ehm, i don't know.

Belgian get's shot.

Last the Dutchman

Hitler: What is on my head!

Dutchman: A hat sir

Hitler: What's on it!

Dutchman: A bird sir

Hitler: Is it a male or female?

Dutchman: A male

Hitler: How do you know?!

Dutchman: Because there's a huge dick beneath the hat.

2.

On the dutch beach there's a sign about the water, it says:

Hier niet zwemmen, het water is gevaarlijk! (dutch for Please do not swim here, the water is dangerous!)

Please do not swim here, the water is dangerous!

Das wasser is herrlich. (german for the water is great)

3.

Peter and his friend Henk go to Peter's old mother. While Peter is talking with his old mother, Henk is eating all the peanuts that lie on the table. When they both leave Henk says: "Thanks for the peanuts!". Peter's mother replies to this: "You can have them. Since i have a denture i can only suck the chocolate from them."

[Terror]

Explanation:

First text balloon: I know a funny joke about Belgians!

Second text balloon: I AM a Belgian!

Third text balloon: No problem, i'll just tell it twice...

[Mahdi]

Balloon?

[Terror]

Balloon?

i thought thats how you people call those text thingies in cartoons

[Mahdi]

Balloons are inflatable rubber things that we give to children and use for birthday decorations.

[Andrew]

I believe we can call them balloons, or callouts.

[Terror]

Balloons are inflatable rubber things that we give to children and use for birthday decorations.

yes i know :) , but in dutch a ballon is both this text thingy and the rubber balloon.

[DukeLeto]

(How did we ever win the Cold War?)

Zero Gravity:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million

developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any

surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

And the Russians?

They used a pencil.

[Edric O]

Well, the main reason why you won the cold war was Brezhnev's utterly stupid policy of stagnation. See one of the jokes on the first page of this topic: "Let's close the curtains and pretend we're still moving!" :)

Edit: Btw, don't give me credit for that "bedtime chat between Father and Son" joke. I didn't write it - I just saw it in another forum and thought it was so funny that I had to spread it around. ;)

[Warskum]

Q: How did Hitler died?

A: He choke while he was eating a jewish cake wenn he saw the gas bill.

Q: How do u get 50 jews in a smart( a very small car)?

A: Tell them Hitler is coming.

Q: How do u get them out the smart?

A: Tell them it drives on gas.

[Atomic Mitten]

That's in very bad taste Warskum, I'm surprised at you !

This is supposed to be a joke thread ! >:(

[Terror]

oh i thought they were funny. Oh yes they are about jews and WW2, a touching subject. But if we can't make jokes about that anymore, where CAN we make jokes about? It's not meant serious anyway. I heard em before and i like em :)

[Andrew]

I just wish I could get my hands on disneys cartoons making fun of Hitler during WWII. They are funny, while displaying propaganda. Daffy Duck is fun in them, along with the rabbit.

[Warskum]

Atomic ur takin it to serious man, this is a joke thread and in the Netherlands these jokes are quiet popular so I thought I it would be nice to post it here.

Note:If more ppl don`t want these jokes on this thread then I will remove it.