Joke

[Atomic Mitten]

I wonder if Catholic priests have weapons of Mas destruction ?

I entered a competition recently, it was a pun competition.

So I sent in ten puns, in the hope that at least one pun would win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did !

[leo]

Has anyone here seen "the star wars kid" movie? LOL its sooo #%#$ funny(and sad :D). the remixes of it are soo great.

[thomas]

yep, he's now in therepy and probaly tried to commit suicide, oh Red vs. Blue is really funny so go to www.redvsblue.com and click on "blood gultch cronicles and watch them. . .funny.

[Wolf]

Yeah, Scytale, I loved RvB's first season. Can't wait for the second one, and I might actually buy the first on DVD, it was so damn funny.

[ordos45]

Joe dies in the year 2000 and awaits his final judgement. 2004 rolls around and the line has not moved. Seeing Saint Isidore walking by, Joe asks him," Why hasn't the line moved yet?"

The Saint replies," It seems that the Book of Life was the only thing in this universe that was not Y2K compliant."

[Davidu]

Cool jokes guys, keep 'em coming.

Oh, and Happy Holidays... sorry for the delay.

[nampigai]

This is hilarious! Enjoy.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Terror]

hahah agreed, that's pretty funny indeed :) . Evidence removed :P

[ordos45]

Five people are on a plane as it prepares to crash, there are four parachutes. 

The first says," I am Tony Blair.  My fellow Britons think I'm a git, but they need me." So he took the first parachute.

The second says," I am George W. Bush.  As the leader of the United States I deserve this."  He grabs the second parachute and jumps.

The third is Hillary Clinton.  She gives a five minute long speech about her intellect and future Presidency before grabbing the third parachute and diving out.

The fourth is the Pope.  He turns to the fifth passenger, a small girl and says," Take my parachute.  I am old, and without many years left, you have your whole life ahead of you."

The girl responds," But Mister, we can both have a parachute.  The woman with the big smarts took my school backpack."

[HasimirFenring]

I heard the same joke Ordos except it was bush who took a backpack by mistake  ;D.

[ordos45]

I heard the same joke Ordos except it was bush who took a backpack by mistake

[Atomic Mitten]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I no come work today, I real sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feeling great. I be at work soon. You got nice house" ;D

[HasimirFenring]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

 

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

 

Please scroll down slowly and consider EACH LINE - this is

important for the test to work accurately.

  -------------------

THE SITUATION:

 

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.

 

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

 

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

 

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

 

THE QUESTION:

 

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

 

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white ?

[Khan]

Hmm I'd see if I can get both... but if I had to choose it would probably be black and white, so much more classy.

[Davidu]

That thing about pilots is great!!

Once upon a time there were two neghbors. The first neighbor played tenis with Boris Becker and beaten the hall out of him each time. The second neighbor notices this and asked the other guy how did he do that.

- Well, I found a goldfish in my attic, and I took care of him, and he granted me one wish.

- Swell!! Can you give me the goldfish, too?

- Sure.

The guy takes the goldfish, takes care of him for a while, and then the goldfish says:

- Ok, it is time to grant you one wish.

- Great! I want a lot of gold!

- What?

- Gold!

- Whaat?

- I WANT A LOT OF GOLD!!!!

- Ok, if that's what you want... tomorrow you'll get what you wanted.

The next day the guy wakes up and notices every inch in his body aches. When he looked in the mirror he looked really old.

He hurries to his neighbor.

- Hey, man! That goldfish is deaf! I told him I wanted gold, and he made me old!

- I know. What? You though I wanted to have great TENNIS??

[Kiyouta]

LOL! That one was brilliant! Word-play jokes are always great.

[tutuco21]

i will tell a joke i hope my bad english dont fuck the funy

[Andrew]

That was quite humorous as I thought it would have something to do with the guys getting at each other. ;)

[Davidu]

Cool!

It "stinks" the good way... ;D

LOL

[Atomic Mitten]

OK.Here is one of my favourites(I know I'm sick).

A Doctor comes into a patients room after surgery,and says " Well mr Jones,I have good and bad news for you "

What's the bad news asks Mr Jones.

Well said the Doc " We made a mistake with your X-rays, and we Amputated the wrong Leg.

So when we realised our mistake, we had to amputate the other leg too.

Oh my God ! says MrJones," what the hell is the good news then " ?

Well says the Doc," you see that guy there down the hall"

Yeah says Mr Jones, " so what"

Doc " He wants to buy your shoes " !!! ;D

[nampigai]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that

[Atomic Mitten]

Hehe heh ! *Snigger*  ;D

[Sardauker-Kirov]

Bit of a Dutch joke, oh well ....  ;D

Achmed and Ali became part of the Taliban resistance.

Their first mission is a bombing run on a porkchop factory and both of them are waiting on their ride across the street.

Then Achmed said.

"What ride look like?"

Ali replies with.

"Black color, beautiful looks, very cheap verhicle! Achmed the 1500th hi-jacked verhicle!! "

Achmed.

"Good, that good very good!"

A fancy black ferrari approached them and the Arabs waved their hands. But for some reason, the car passed by.

Achmed.

"This not car?! Then what is?"

Some hours later, a black bicycle with a turban wearing Arabian on it, drove towards the two arabs and stopped in front of them.

Achmed and Ali.

"!@#$%^& A BICYCLE!?!"

Achmed the 15000th.

"Me hi-jacked cool bicycle!! Now let's go on bombing run!"

[Kiyouta]

hmmm, ur right it was a dutch joke...

[Khan]

Lol NaMpIgAi, I told my mom (nurse) and all she could say was "oh gross"