Joke

[erjin999]

Scar, so many of yours I have read already and have in Outlook, I reckon one of us has been sending the other jokes under different names.

Let me post one and see if you know it...

MORNING ***

Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and shit...."

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.

The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?"

Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog."

Hope thats not pushing it too much. If it is just delete it and let me know. It is kind of funny though. Its just to get started, while I hunt for my less naughty ones. Honest, no harm intended.

Oh, and a extra treat, Michael Jackson getting ready for trial...

[attachment archived by Gobalopper]

[Megashrap]

Scar, so many of yours I have read already and have in Outlook, I reckon one of us has been sending the other jokes under different names.

It's possible, I think I recycled some older ones I had in Word from way back.

Those I haven,t heard yet, good ones.  ;D

MATHEMATIC LOVE

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

-----

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

-----

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

[Megashrap]

Just a few funny Warcraft in-game videos of people taking the game way too serious. Warning on the language also.

http://flame.tiefighter.org/WoW/Leroy.wmv

http://flame.tiefighter.org/WoW/xxninja.WMV

[Dragoon Knight]

Yeah, seen both of those.  The Leroy Jenkins one has been in my sig now for quite some time. :P

Hilarious, both of them. :)  All the more reason for people to play WoW.

[Megashrap]

Never played it before, but It was still funny. What happened in the second one though that really pissed off the others? Just curious. Think  I might try it now after seeing those ;)

[Dragoon Knight]

The story behind the 'xxninja' video is that the guy had really wanted an item dropped in a previous raid, but another member of the guild got it before him.  This really got him angry; the drop would have been rare or epic, and he waited ages to get it, just to have it snatched from him.  So he planned his revenge.

What you see in the video is that revenge in action.  After killing a huge boss, he breaks the single most important rule about raiding; fair loot distribution (sometimes called 'need before greed').  To really get his own back on the guild, he nicks every single item that the boss dropped.  This does not go down well. :P

It's all very well planned, because as soon as he is kicked from the Guild (the yellow text soon after the insults start) he whispers a friend in another guild (the purple text) and gets invited to that. :D

The last bit of the video is his other character (or alt) randomly throwing snowballs at people.  While mostly naked. :D

[Megashrap]

Ah ok, makes way more sense now. Thanks for explaining it.  :)

[Tako]

yeah much funnier that way, still it is a bit bizar how people get in to a game, spooky really

[lowzeewee]

A girl's first time*

(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy) It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he ;refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him ;more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all,it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin' ?

PERVERT! :D

[Tako]

what do you think I was thinking, does that say something about me or you? ;)

[Megashrap]

GENERATIONS OF PROSTITUTION

Three generations of hookers are sitting around talking when the daughter says,

[Tako]

Sam and Moos are in a combat plane ready to be dropped behand enemy lines, where they will be met by commando in a jeep. But Sam has had a bad day all day. First his car broke down, then his house burned to the ground. The light turns green and sam and Moos jump, Sam pulls at his cord but nothing happens, his extra parashute does nothing either

With hihg speed he is hurdling towards the ground "damn" sam says "you'll see, the man in the jeep won't be there either"

[lowzeewee]

A smart Japanese child in an American School class on world historical events!!

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history *Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. > "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said. "Very good!

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln,1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." "She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke [vomit.]" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sugar. If you say anything else, I'll kill you! Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "[California Congressman] Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted.)

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sugar, we're f**ked!" ....and Suzuki said, "Americans,... in Iraq 2004!"

_________________

......................................................................

[ps501]

As I was searching this thread, I noticed that the Chili Cookoff Judging contest was missing (speaking of old joke/threads)  Though every time I read that one I laugh

[Antagonist]

Okay I hardly ever remember a joke, but this one is just bad.

I probably only remembered it because of that.

What is the difference between a truck loaded with bowling balls,

and a truck loaded with black babies.

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.  :-X

What do you get when you mix a mexican with a black.

A thief that is too lazy to steal.

[Davidu]

that hurts...  :-X

[Kiyouta]

I don't really get it, or maybe I'm trying too hard? lol. Maybe thats a good thing if I don't get a racist joke. :P

[ps501]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "OH S**T!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[jeff2429]

NATIONAL TRANSPORTATION SAFETY BOARD

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured. This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH S**T!"

Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Florida, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my damn beer and watch this s**t."

Seems scar posted it first, but reading it another time was still funny.

[ps501]

Oops.  But there does seem to be a discreptancy in the study :)

So did you hear about the Top 5 City Slogans 

New York, NY: Come for the hookers; stay 'cause you can urinate in public!

Washington, DC: A wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, Inc.

Detroit: Now 11 percent less homicidey!

Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN: The Mary-Kate and Ashley of municipalities.

Intercourse, PA: As close to the real thing *you'll* ever get, geekboy.

[Jack Leaf]

A prostitute was leaning on the wall when a priest saw her. The priest went closer and asked her strictly: "Now what would your mother do if she saw you right now?"

"She would probably kill me, 'cos this is her corner."

[Cyborg]

Good, good!

[lowzeewee]

Glucose in Semen

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[lowzeewee]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A

warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,"the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to

grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my

life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in

every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always

be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish,

genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been

with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know

we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the

same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the

rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still

believe in genies?"

[GUNWOUNDS]

hehe nice