Joke

[nampigai]

so is my mum.

as for the "dutch" joke, I don't really get it, but then again I'm not dutch.

[TMA_1]

got two of em for ya, not prp, but oh well. my bro came up with these, though he could have taken them and not told me.

1st.

a man walked into a bar and said "ouch".

2nd.

put your hand up to a window and tell a friend "feel the pane?". hehe

bad jokes eh? I love em.lol

another one goes like this.

a man reached heaven and met up with saint peter. Peter said "choose your door".

there were dozens and dozens of doors, names listed on them. a-millenialist, post-millenialist, restoritive millenialist, and so on. all getting to the point of the difference of opinions on the millenium theologically.

the man, with many others picked their specific doors, walked through expecting heaven. when all of them looked around they could see one another and noticed that there was only one door in front of them.

lol ahh its an old theology joke.

[fremfedeliteNIAC]

I just heard a great one today;

In New Zealand a skyscaper is being built...

Two workers are sitting at the top of the bare skeleton when one of them suddenly says;

"Oh s**t, I need the loo"

so the other guy says

"Don't worry about it, just walk to the end of that gurder thats jutting off the edge and u can take a piss off over there. Ill sit on the other end so that you wont fall off"

"Oh great, thanks"

So he walks to the end of this gurder and takes out his dick and is about to go when suddenly the lunch bell goes and the man sitting on the gurder suddly jumps up and goes off to lunch....

A few days later three other men - one American, one Frenchman, one New Zealander- are arguing about which country would do more to get layed....

"Well it has to be the americans" said the american "We *invented* stalking"

"No, no it's the French theres noone who can wooe a woman better then the French, we always spend time and money and affection on our girls to get her in bed..." says the Frenchman

The New Zealander butts in; "Hah! you guys dont know anything about obsessivness, us New Zealanders are hardcore. Just the other day I was walking past that building site over there and i was following the amazingly fit girl i heard a noise and looked up and the was a guy plummeting down towards her with his dick in his hands screaming CU*************T!!!!!!"

rofl!

[Davidu]

METHINKs IT'S TIME TO REVIVE THIS THREAD! HELP ME!  ;)

These are political, religious jokes, so don't get upset over anything, ok?

1).

(During the second war in Iraq)

In Iraq an american patrol finds two wounded men on a crossroad: an american soldier, and an iraquis soldier. They help them both and ask them what happened.

They say:

We saw eachother and started shooting. We hide, and the american said:

"Saddam is a dumb asshole!!"

and the iraquis said:

"Bush is a retard!!!"

- Well?? What happened next??

- We aproached and met in the middle of the crossroads to shake hands and a truck hit us.

2).

(Nowadays)

American patrol drink all money in local iraquis tavern so it has nothing better to do than go on patrol. They find a rebel. At gunpoint they ask the poor bastard:

- D'you have bombs?

- Noooooooooo..........

- D'you have grenades?

- Nooooooooo........

- D'you have guns?

- Nooooooooooooo.........

- Wanna buy?

[Tako]

lol that's funny davidu

this one's a dutch joke in the aftermath of the killing of Theo van Gogh

news reporter:  these pictures where taken after van gogh was shot

the pictures may be shocking and very ugly

a picture of mohammed B is shown coplete

the horror the horror

[Davidu]

LOL

Today I've heard the very first Albanese jokes.

Why does an Albanese sub have to come to the surface every 5 minutes?

The guys rowing need a breath.

What happends if a lightbowl gets trashed in Albania?

The other one is turned off for security reasons.

[nemafakei]

The adjective etc is Albanian.

[ordos45]

I love the first Iraq joke Davidu, it was hilarious.  Worst part is I could see the second joke happening.

[Caid Ivik]

Heh, good ones both. Moving to General, ok?

[Davidu]

I thought it was its place over there, where there are such serious subjects... I mean it's needed there... But... you're the moderator. ;D

C'mon guys! Post some jokes here. Have a laugh!

[Tako]

old one but we all know the answer to this one

what is one politician on the moon? a very tine dot

what are 10.000 politician's on the moon? bigger dot

what are 1.000.000 polician's on the moon? a beginning

what do you call all the politician's on the moon? the answer

lol still funny though

(I knoW Nema spelling......)

[Davidu]

Good one!

Now for some "idiotic" jokes:

Why is Alice's grave 20 meters deep?

"cause they couldn't scrape her off the front of the truck.

[hide]hei, Edric, bancurile cu Alinutza!![/hide]

What do you call the pup of a bulldog and a shitzu?

A bullshit.

//--

Now we have lots of jokes about our own people, the guys from Ardeal (Transilvania) are subject to these jokes:

Why is it bad to tell a joke to a guy from Ardeal on Friday?

'Cause he'll start laughing Sunday in church.

Why can't the guys from Ardeal catch snales?

'Cause until they bend over to grab the snale, the snale just "runs" away.

[Andrew]

Where do you bury the survivors of a plane that crashes on the border of Canada and the USA?

[hide]You don't bury survivors[/hide]

Now if I could only remember the countless newfie jokes that were told as a child. (the best when I rememeber vaguely is not online anywherem had to do with a newfie and the CN Tower)

[DjCiD]

There was a guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. Along came a woman and sat down to make small talk. Innocently she asked him what he was drinking.

"This here is a magical beer he replied."

[Andrew]

"Are you ready she asked?"

Why would she ask that? and the "" kinda look wrong for "Are you ready she asked?"

  "Oh yeah sure, chuckled the man."

Just saying cause I got kinda stuck at that part.

But it was funny ;D

[Megashrap]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[jeff2429]

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

[gunner154]

I copied this from an email, so don't mind the arrows..

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the

>>limo (and he

>> > doesn't travel light), the  diver notices that the Pope is still

>>standing

>>on

>> > the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would

>>you please

>> > take your seat so we can leave?"

>> > "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope," they never let me

>>drive at

>> > the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

>> > "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And

>>what if

>> > something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd

>>never gone to

>> > work that morning.

>> > "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

>>Reluctantly,

>> > the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the

>>wheel. The

>> > driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the

>>airport, the

>> > Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

>> > "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,

>>but the

>>Pope

>> > keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

>> > "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

>> > The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop

>>approaches, but

>>the

>> > cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets

>>on the

>> > radio.

>> > "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

>> > The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's

>>stopped a limo

>> > going a hundred and five.

>> > "So bust him," says the Chief.

>> > "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said

>>the cop.

>> > The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

>> > No, I mean really important," said the cop.

>> > The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

>> > Cop: "Bigger."

>> > Chief: "Governor?"

>> > Cop: "Bigger."

>> > Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

>> > Cop: "I think it's God!"

>> > Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

>> > Cop: "He's got the Pope as a driver!!"

[gunner154]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever

seen.

Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down,

fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just

insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead,

I'll hold your monkey for you.

----------------------------------------------------------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf

course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he

sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes,

and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching

thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

The man then replies: "Yeah, wel we were married for 35 years."

-----------------------------

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried

and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at

me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the

mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was

all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out,

and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with

me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly

says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with

your eyesight...."

--------------

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of

them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his

eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his

cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the

operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it

easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes

back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

-----------------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a

good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night,

and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges

his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me

what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a

minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of

galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I

observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the

time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I

suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we

are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does

it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.

"Someone has stolen our tent!"

----------------------------------

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult

the other one.

He screams, "I slept with your mother!"

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other

weasel will do.

The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

-----------------------------------

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was

mugged by a gang

of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the

turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his

face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

--------------------------------------

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not

screaming in terror like his passengers.

---------------------------------------

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.

'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.

The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.

'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly

be worse?'

The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since

yesterday'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

EVER WONDERED...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (  That's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

[Davidu]

GREAT jokes people. Keep it coming.

***

There is a contest of bridge building and there are three teams: the Americans, the Japanese, and the Romanians.

Americans:

We'll start building on both sides of the river. If there will be an offset, it will be 3cm wide.

The crowd is impressed.

Japs:

We'll start building on both sides of the river. If there will be an offset, it will be 3mm wide.

The crowd goes "WOAH!!"

Romanians:

We'll start building on both sides of the river. If there will be an offset, we'll have two different bridges.

[Tako]

I work whit children (being a teacher and all)

so these are funny to me...

"mummy! I don't want to go to England!"

"shut up and keep swimming!"

"Daddy? wha am I running in circles?"

"shut up! or I'll nail you're other foot to the ground too"

"mummy, daddy, I found Grandpa!"

"I thought we told you not to dig in the garden!"

lol ;D

[AMIgaBot]

i have few jokes about dune2000

Why Trike  have dropped nose to ground?

- they searching infantry.

what do combat tank if they is sticked to wall?

- they drop off skin.

why harkonnens are trying to get control on the worm?

- because they want use him to eat all atreides and ordos buldings

in emperor palace, coming two sardaukars without guns. federik IV asking them what happened.

-Federick: where is your gun?

-sardaukar1 : i leaved it in toilet as cock what unlock toilet when u drop too much toilet paper and water wont help.

-sardaukar2: i gave ammo to my brother he wanna be explosive warrior and they needed copper and plombium.rest of gun has been eated by my sister

-Federick IV: Damn, you need your gun to improve love if you find girl... without gun you are notthing..

-Sardaukar1: i have gun but they is  too small

-Federik IV: what you said?, dont use small guns for girls, use only big. i think u must upgrade own small to huge.

Sardaukar2:i have no other gun than knife.

Federik IV: u want  goto bed with girl and with knife.. bastard. girl cant pump knife than gun. . whatever. if girl die, i will made you headless.

in ordos stealth raider

-Wzzzzzzz:  tu tu tu dum dum.

were are we?

-near hagga basin.

we was in habbanya erg, we should be in funreal plain.

- i used chronospchere.

no u cant use it without my permission.

-u gave me raider and all what is insite it, then permission too

thumper with engineer

thumper: hey eng, do you going to do something for me?

engineer: what u want?

thumper: find for me worm and i will attract him  to make our base more spice, we lost today alot of harvesters

engineer: and engineers.

[Tako]

uh right?  ???

made them up yourself have you? ::)

[veK]

george bush jr. died and is sent to heaven. god says "sorry but you are too evil and dumb, I can't allow you to come in. neither I can sent you to hell right now, cuz they are a bit too crowded down there. but we have some kind of pre-torturing waiting rooms, they are all taken right now but you can take the place of one of them"

so they walk to the firt room. as god opens the door bush can see richard nixon in a huge swimming pool always struggling with the water to keep his head above it. bush says "ah no, I've never been a good swimmer, that ain't the right room for me."

so they walk on to the second room. as the door opens bush sees ronald reagan. he is running in circles all the time and a dog is always closing in behind him. bush denies "I can't run very fast, so this is definitely the wrong room for me, please let me see the next room".

so they go to the third room. the door opens and bush sees a large bedroom with a wonderful bed in the middle. on the bed lies clinton and between his legs is monica lewinsky doing what she can do best. bush likes the room and says to god "well, this really looks like a great place, I think this room is perfect for me"

god nods and says "monica you can go now".

[Anathema]

Hehe, that was awesome vek :D