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New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has become the butt of jokes faster than it takes a hooker to ride Amtrak to Washington...

"I sat next to the guy three times and I didn't pick up on any of this," said Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert, "and I usually have excellent whore-dar."

"It's just mind-blowing that he spent $4,300 on a hooker," said New York comic Lisa Landry. "It just shows how high the cost of living is in New York. That same hooker would cost $50 in Newark."

"You know what the highest-paid government position in the country is? ... Working under New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour," quipped "Tonight" host Jay Leno.

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A blonde is watching the news with her husband.

The newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying. Turning to her husband she says sobbing, "That's horrible".

Confused, he responds, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving. And, well, there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing says, "Honey, how many is a Brazilian?"

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A man was lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife.

She keeps stroking his genitals.

He asks, "Do you like my privates that much?"

She replies, "No, I just miss mine!"

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Argh. Can't decide if that's transphobic or not. I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt.

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A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it

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It is basically the man saying he's in charge, then the woman saying he wont get sex because of his attitude.

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3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed:

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Lol

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A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.''

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real prroud of you. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

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Why men have better friends.

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband

that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife

that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,

and two said that he was still there.

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Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt."

The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.

A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"

The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."

The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants."

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Mmm, its a good one but its one of those timeless classics which can change to whoever you want to insult.

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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.What about you

Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.''That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'The teacher fainted...

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