Joke

[Anathema]

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Lol

[Dunenewt]

Low, where do you get all these from?

[lowzeewee]

From Gob's Dungeon.

[lowzeewee]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.''

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real prroud of you. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[Dunenewt]

That's a good one.

[jeff2429]

Why men have better friends.

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband

that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife

that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,

and two said that he was still there.

[lowzeewee]

Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt."

The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.

A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"

The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."

The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants."

[MrFlibble]

An old classic ;D

[Dunenewt]

I've heard that one before, but with a French Admiral.

[Khan]

Mmm, its a good one but its one of those timeless classics which can change to whoever you want to insult.

[Dunenewt]

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

[jeff2429]

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.What about you

Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.''That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'The teacher fainted...

[Acriku]

Little Johnny is a regular in those jokes :D

Q:  Why do ducks have flat feet?

A:  To stamp out forest fires.

Q:  Why do elephants have flat feet?

A:  To stamp out flaming ducks.

Not a joke, but 'enlightening' :

One younger monk said to the other monk "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?" 

The older monk said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."

[MrFlibble]

One younger monk said to the other monk "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?" 

The older monk said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."

Is it a koan?

[Acriku]

Is it a koan?

Actually yes, it is. I didn't really think about that word when I found that, but you're right. Which reminds me of this "koan":

If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it from you. This is an ice cream koan.

:D

[jeff2429]

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients

to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my

operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is

numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try

electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think

Librarians are the best , everything inside them is in alphabetical

order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like

construction workers......those guys always understand when you have a

few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on.......

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head

and the ass are interchangeable.

[MrFlibble]

Hey, I'm sure this one was already there some pages back... but I can't find it... ???

[gunner154]

Yeah, I remember saving it in an email and sending it around ;)

[MrFlibble]

Well, every new thing is just a well-forgotten old one, isn't it? ;)

[Edric O]

Speaking of oldies, I remember posting this one some years ago (not in this topic), but it's worth posting again:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methohodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal nowledge

capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,

"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

BILL CLINTON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[exatreide]

There were two types of support of the air assault mission, Medical support and logistical. Well of the logistical guys messed with one of our guys in his sleep, so this is what we did to his bunk. 4 rolls of tape, 4 rolls of TP, we put his full wall locker on the top bunk(taped) and about three dozen coat hangers taped and free hanging, with some taped in between the stacked mattresses present.

If someone could OWNED or something on it... I think it would be even better.

[gunner154]

I'm just so glad stuff like that doesn't happen here. I wouldn't know how to handle the mess.

Or tidiness, for that matter ;)

[exatreide]

Well this 2nd LT, butterbar came in from the student side of the barracks and started yelling at us and saying we were wasting military resources and bla bla bla. Funny thing is was the fact that he came from the student side so he had no authority at all over us, but we still took that down and put everything back to being dress right dress in under 3 minutes.

[gunner154]

Wow, it was an officer's bunk that you fixed. Here, nobody would touch the officers.

Very different culture, I guess, when majority of your army is made up of conscripts...

[exatreide]

no it was another enlisted, the officer came and yelled at us when infact he had no authority. The fact that he was in air assault school removed his rank for 10 days.