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Davidu

By Davidu
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Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing

social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull

it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting

gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind

of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with

amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping

spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco

products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You

might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my

husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th

hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa

is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would

wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the

tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,

there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and

strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate

claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already

be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation

problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and

clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the

fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the

Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the

flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas

fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to

straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen

with all those elves.

- Men don't answer their mail.

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest

as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability

to pick up women.

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.

Definite guy.

- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good

will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas

Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

On a side note, Chia-Pets make great last minute gifts.  ;D Merry Christmas All.

  • 3 weeks later...
Dragoon Knight

Dragoon Knight

Posted
Posted

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Don't even go there!!

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and

may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter

if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong

affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent

when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns

slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion

of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Davidu

Davidu

Posted
  • Author
Posted

For the british:

*John Cleese's Letter to the USA*

To the  citizens of the United States of America, in light of

your failure

to elect  a competent President of the USA and thus to govern

yourselves, we hereby  give notice of the revocation of

your independence,

effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties

over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,

which

she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony  Blair, MP for the

97.8%

of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world  outside your

borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the  Senate

are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine  whether

any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown  Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.  Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check

"aluminium" in the  pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how

wrongly you pronounce  it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words

such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'.  Likewise you will learn to spell

'doughnut' without skipping half the  letters. Generally, you should

raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look  up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with  filler noises

such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and  inefficient form of

communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more  'bleeps'

in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad

language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing  as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know

on your behalf. The Microsoft  spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such

as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn

that there  is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the

county is "Devon." If  you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States

will become "shires"  e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your  original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying  out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only  one kind

of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good  game.

The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have 

noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper

football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a

rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event

called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of

America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls'

game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe,

oversized gloves,  collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or  carry guns, or anything

more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.  Because you are not

sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you  need a permit to

carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a  public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday. It will be called  "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap  and it is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand  what we

mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you  will

start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without

the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are

not real chips. Fries aren't French,  they're Belgian though 97.8% of you

(including the guy who discovered fries  while in Europe) are not aware

of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are  properly called "crisps."

Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The  traditional

accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only 

proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once

known  as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as

"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,"  except for the product of the American Budweiser

company which will be called  "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow

true Budweiser (as manufactured  for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech

Republic) to be sold without risk of  confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as  you will be

permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting  UK

petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to  resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists.

That you need many  lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult

enough to be independent. If  you're not adult enough to sort things out without

suing someone or speaking to  a therapist, you're not grown up enough

to handle a gun.

13. Please tell  us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from  Her Majesty's Government will be with you

shortly

to ensure the acquisition of  all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese

[basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]

erjin999

erjin999

Posted
Posted

Luckily my memory is short enough to forget the detalis, so I laugh every time, but streches enough to remind me I have read that somewhere before.  8)

jeff2429

jeff2429

Posted
Posted

Eh? Fake?  I just googled pepsi under images...  I saw it and though it was funny which it is...  Sorry if I'm not a jack-ass who has to nit-pick it and ruin it. ::)

erjin999

erjin999

Posted
Posted

I had a child behind me and it wasnt well timed. I must say its a good twist on the old scary thing theme, it requires sound to be on, and turned up a bit. Very sly.  8)

  • 2 weeks later...

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