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Fed2k Deathmatch!


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"Welcome everybody, I am your host, Mr. Pinky. This is the first match in the Fed2k Death Match tournament.

In the left corner, everybodys favourite cybernetic organism, Edric O!"


"In the right corner, the fearsome Shai Halud Timenn, who can easily swallow a harvester, or even 50 tons of pancakes! Let's see how Edric manages to survive this one!"

[more cheering]

"The referee is entering the ring...he's giving the sign."

Edric assumes an agressive posture, and begins to speak.

"I am Edric O. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."

Timen rolls over, indicating boredom.

"That's Star Trek, this is a Dune forum."

"Irrelevant. You will be assimilated.

Pinkey starts to speak again.

"Edric O is stabbing Timenn with those funny looking tubes on his arm! Wait a second....Timenn is standing upright...he's falling! Oh my God! He killed Edric!"

A voice comes from the public.

"You bastards!"

"Wait a second...he's still alive! Uuuuuuh...I can barely endure the sight! The horror!

Huh? What's Timenn doing? He is EATING Edric!"

The referee halts the match.

"It looks like Timenn is disqualified for attempting to eat his opponent. Edric O is the winner!"

The referee holds up Edric, who now misses his legs and one of his arms.

"Well, I suppose the Tleilaxu could grow a new couple of limbs.

Join us next time on Fed2k Deathmatch!"

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"Welcome to our next match of Fed2k Deathmatch! First, let's express our deepest sympathies to Edric O who is currently residing in the hospital, missing 3 limbs and 6 broken ribs.

Today, in the left corner, The_Sardaukar!"


"The_Sardaukar comes from Selusa Secundus. He had the best training in the known universe and can easily take down 10 normal soldiers!

In the other corner, Frodo!"


"Frodo is one of the best....uuuuh hobbits. He's 1,5 metres high and weighs 50 pounds...eeeeeh....guess this will be a very interesting match.

The referee is entering the ring....he's giving the sign.

The_Sardaukar assumed battle posture, and grinned in an evil manner.

"You fool! You cannot beat a Sardaukar! Glory to the emperium!"

Pinky followed the match and said:

"Frodo is RUNNING away from The_Sardaukar! They're running in circles...now they stop..."

Frodo looks at The_Sardaukar, and says:

"This ring here shall make me invisible, and then I shall defeat you!"

"What the....ladies and gentleman, it appears Frodo just vanished! Huh? What's that? It looks like The_Sardaukar is being attacked...by thin air....he's knocked on the ground...what is he doing? He's ripping off the fabric of the rings floor...he throws it away...he got Frodo caught under it! He's beating him up good....uh oh, Frodo isn't moving anymore!"

The referee steps into the ring and announces that The_Sardaukar has won.

"Well, looks like The_Sardaukar has won! Ah look, they're carrying Frodo away to the ambulance. Join us next time on Fed2k Deathmatch! In the meantime, keep tuned, because we now will discuss todays match in Fed2k Deathmatch Talk."

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"Welcome to Fed2k Deathmatch talk. I'm your host, Pinky. Todays guests are Gobalopper, yeti and Fed2k boardmaster, and Tiny, the 400 pound convict. Gob and Tiny, welcome."

Gobalopper: Thanks. Nice to be here.

Tiny: Grumph!

Gob, what do you think of todays match?

Well, it turned out better then I expected. Naturally I expected that Frodo would die in the first 3 minutes.


You did not like todays match, Tiny?

No. Not enough blood.

Eeeeh yeah. Gob, what do you have to say against that.

Any sign of gore or blood will get that person banned. My will is law.


Now, let's be frienly okay? Fans of The_Sardaukar claim that Frodo violated the rules by becoming invisible. Frodos fans claim that The_Sardaukar violated the rules by tearing the fabric on the rings floor. What's your opinion, Tiny?

I like pickles. Uh-huh.

Thank you. What's your opinion, Gob?

I checked the book of rules for this tournament, and I found none. The entire book is composed of crayon drawings.

Yeah, I made them! Do you like them?


Oh....well, it's almost time. Do either of you have anything left to say?

Hi mummy! I'm on television!


Well, I was wondering what Frodos current condition is.

Oh, The_Sardaukar just broke his arms and squish his internal organs. He'll be fine. Join us for the next match of Fed2k Deathmatch!

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Welcome to our new episode of Fed2k Deathmatch! I'm your host Pinky. Today, in the left corner, we have Exatreides!


[Exatreides yells through a megaphone]

Join the cult of Ex! Free pancakes and alcoholic beverages for everyone!

[even more cheering]

In the right corner, Jacob Dauds!


[Jacob is wearing a cloack, swinging with his stick and yelling]

Serve the mighty Gob! Only He can relieve you of your suffering!

[people bow their heads, muttering quotes from the Gobbible]

This is a promising match. Ah, the referee is entering the ring...there's the sign!

[Jacob raises his stick, and begins yelling at Ex.]

You blasphemer! May the mighty Gob grant me the power to bring you to justice, and all heretics!

Whatever. I like pancakes.

Jacob is swinging agressively with his stick and yelling verses from the Gobbible! How terrible! Now he's hitting him with his stick! Ex is screaming....wow, Ex just did an uppercup straight into Jacobs face...that's got to hurt! Now Jacob is hitting him on his head with his Gobbible...wich is gold...that hurts.

[Gob appears behind Pinky making evil laughing sounds]

What's so funny?

Well, I was so sick with this Gobism stuff, I decided to sabotage the rooftop to get rid of Jacob.

That's a violation of the rules!

What rules? The rulebook is full of crayon drawings.

Damn- I knew I should have thought of rules.

You know, if you don't tell anyone I won't ban you.

Eeeeeh...all right.

[suddenly the roof cracks, and 2 tons of concrete falls on the ring]

Oh my God! What a complete surprise! Is this the end of Gobism and Ex' cult? Who could possibly have foreseen this? There is the medical personel. The tragedy!

Today there is no winner, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway, join us next time on Fed2k Deathmatch!

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Welcome to Fed2k Deathmatch! I am your host Pinky.

Before we start, let's do an update on recent events. Jacob and Ex were carried away in different ambulances to prevent any limbs go missing. Jacob was pieced together by very competent doctors and resides in the hospital. Currently he is in a coma. Exatreides, flat he was when he was brought in, was reinflated to his original size with a bicycle pump and is doing well.

Now, todays match is between Lord Johannes and Usul.

In the left corner, the fan fic moderator Lord Johannes from the Arrowhead province!


In the right corner, Usul!


There's the referee...the sign!

Lord J is assuming an agressive posture...Usul jumps forward...then to his right! Damn that's quick. Lord J grabs Usul by his throat and is strangling him....hey, Usuls face is turning blue! Now purple! And now....wow, Usul poked Lord J in the eyes...Lord J is now running around like a chicken...Usul hits him straight in the face...Lord J got him again! Now he is hitting him in the stomach! Huh? What is he doing? He's swinging with Usul....he just throw him in the audience!

Usul jumps back into the ring...he looks mad...he's tearing his shirt appart and is turning green. Hey, Uul turns out to be the Hulk! Coooooooool! Now he's chasing Lord J in circles....he got him...Lord J's tooth are all over the place...the referee is counting. 1...2...3....4....5....6...7....8...9....10! Usul is the winner!

[abundant cheering]

What a great match indeed! Looks like Lord J is going to need a damn good dentist. No worries, he's got Fed2k health insurance. Join us next time for Fed2k Deathmatch!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Welcome to Fed2k Deathmatch! I'm your host Pinky. First, an update on recent events.

As for Ex' condition, he's okay, exept for the fact he's suffering from amnesia and believes he's Elvis....now, Jacob is still in a coma. But something shocking happened. Right after Gob delivered a fruit basket in Jacobs hospital room a bomb went of in his room- Jacob is still alive fortunately. Nobody knows yet who smuggled the bomb in. Gob, what of this?

[Gob takes over the microphone]

Eeeeh...I'm deeply shocked....whoever did this, I'll get you!

Can you think of anyone who could have done this?

I say it was the finnish maffia.

Thank you. Today, in the left corner, Ethan!


And in the right corner, one of the fan fic moderators, Ordos45!


This sure will be an exiting match! There's the sign...

[Ordos45 assumes Bene Gesserit fighting position]

Look at that coordination....a perfect Bene Gesserit kick...Ethan is lying on the floor....he's getting up and..what is THAT? It's a weirding module! Weapons aren't allowed! Where's the referee?

[The referee is eating a sandwich and listening to music through headphones]

It appears the referee is minding other business...nobody can stop Ethan from using his module....

[Ethan is pointing his module to Ordos45, while making chaw sounds with his voice. Nothing happens.]

Hmmm, it appears Ethan is using a rather poor imitation...only buy genuine Fremen hardware, folks! Ordos45 is closing in on Ethan again...WOW! What a punch! Look at that...hey, that's got to hurt.

[Ethans coach throws his towel in the ring]

There's the towel! That means Ordos45 wins!

[abundant cheering]

The medical personel is carrying away Ethan...he doesn't look to good. Anyway, join us next time on Fed2k Deathmatch!

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Once again, welcome on Fed2k Deathmatch! I'm your host Pinky!

First, some shocking news. Today two ninjas broke into the hospital and attempted to abduct Jacob in a sac. When they tried to escape by a rope through the window, they were spotted and a security member cut the rope, so they fell 5 stories down. The ninjas escaped, and Jacob was brought to OC and his condition is critical- he broke every bone in his body. One of the ninjas, according to eye witnesses, looked surprisingly much like a yeti and the other one was apparently a bearded dwarf. We wanted to ask Gob and Mahdi about their opinion on this matter, but they were unavailable for comment.

Anyway, todays match is between two Ixians. In the left corner, Ixianmace!


And in the right corner, Dunenewt!


Dunenewt:I have a better member number then you- nananananaaaah!

Ixianmace:Well, my postcount is higher then yours!

There's the sign from the referee...the Ixians are circling eachother...now they're strangling eachother! They let go of eachother...gasping for breath.

Ixianmace kicks Dunenewt in the stomach...and he now punches Ixianmace in the face...teeth are all over the place...hey, that rimes!

Ix is now holding Dunenewst in a grip...and strangling him again...Dunenewts face is turning blue...purple...he wringles himself out of Ix' grip...Ix is punching Dunenewt again...he knocked him out! The referee is counting...

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10! Ixianmace wins!

[abundant cheering]

Now that's what I call a match! Join us next time on Fed2k Deathmatch!

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Welcome to Fed2k Deathmatch! I'm your host Pinky. First, eye witnesses of the attempt to abduct Jacob have helped to make sketch drawings of the culprits. They will be displayed now:

If you recognise these men, call the police immediately.

Now, as we all know Jacob is still in the hospital, and his match with Exatreides did not end with a win. We're redrawing the tournaments outline. Exatreides will play today, and Jacob will do another match as soon as he's patched up.

Now, in the left corner, Exatreides!

My name is not Exatreides! It's Elvis! Love me tender.....

[Lot's of cheering, particulary female fans]

Eeeeehm yeah. In the right corner, Baron_Carl!

I cannot be defeated! For I am the baron of House Carl!


So it's a match between the King and the baron...there's the referee...and the starting sign!

You do not stand a chance- House Carl shall be victorious! Mwuhahahahaha!

I'll teach you not to mess with the king- besides, you need suspension generators to carry your own weight! Nananannaaaah!

Hey! Don't make fun of my weight! For that I shall make you suffer!

The king is going for the baron....wow, he just bounced off! Now the baron is laughing manicly...he's chasing the king, but he's to slow to keep up with him. Look! Now the king is singing through his microphone while running! Now that's confidence.

You ain't nothing but a hound dooooooog!

Wait...he just tripped over the microphone cord...the baron jumps on him...huh? Did he just turn of his suspension generator? Poor king must be getting squished! Now the baron is standing up again...Ex looks unconcious- that means the baron wins!


Don't worry, the king, Ex or whatever will be fine- he survived 2 tons of concrete before. Ah look, there's the medical personel. Join us next time for Fed2k Deathmatch!

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(OOC: Gob and Mahdi? How could you even think it was them ;)?)

Welcome to Fed2k Deathmatch! First, some good news: Jacob has awaken from his coma! We've got him right here, along with Gob and Mahdi. Jacob, how do you feel?

I feel wonderful. Thanks to the mighty Gob I have survived these difficult times.

Why you little....!

Gob, aren't you just overflowing with joy that Jacob is okay?

Grrrrrr....yes, I am.

And Mahdi, what about you?

I am....most pleased.

Uuuuhm...I just noticed you've got 3 layers of bandage wrapped over your head...what happened? It looks as if you fell out of a 5 store building and landed on your head!

Eeeh....small kitchen accident.

Anyway, Jacob still has 245 broken bones, however, we need to get this tournament going and therefore Jacob is fighting anyway. Today he's up against Goldeagle.

So, in the left corner, Jacob, and hospital bed, and cardial monitor, and nurse!


And in the right corner, Goldeagle!


Goldeagle is a sardaukar elite...comes from the hardest training site ever, Salusa Secundus...let's see how well he does against a physicly wrecked Jacob. I'm sure this will be an exiting match. Ah, there's the referee. There's the sign!

Misguided soul! Hopefully you will one day realise the path of Gob is the only path!

You won't be there to see it!

[Pinky turns off the microphone]

Gob, you haven't sabotaged anything this time have you?

No, I didn't have the time.

Okay then.

[Pinky switches microphone back on]

Goldeagle is assuming agressive posture...Jacob is swinging agressively with his stick...Goldeagle grabs Jacob...he's banging his head against the hospital beds rim...now he's trying to suphocate him by pushing his pillow against Jacobs head...Jacob grabs his stick...he hit Goldeagle straight in the face!

Nurse, move me towards him!

He's hitting Jacob with his stick again...Goldeagle grabs the stick...he broke it! Jacob must be really pissed now! He's taking out the Gobbible....wow! He knocked down Goldeagle with it! Now he's driving his hospital bed over him...and backs over him again...that got to hurt...the floor is getting stains all over it! The referee is counting down...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10! Jacob wins the match!

[abundant cheering

Do not cheer for me! Thank the mighty Gob for his blessing!

That concludes the first series of matches. The next series will be between the losers of the previous matches- the ones who lose those will be booted from the tournament. Then we will have the quarter finale.

There's the medical personel gathering bits of Goldeagle- I'm sure he'll be allright. Stay tuned for Fed2k Deathmatch Talk!

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Welcome to Fed2k Deathmatch Talk! I'm your host Pinky! Today we have as guests Gob, Mahdi, Nema Fakei and Tiny the 400 pound convict. We're here to discuss the last series of matches. Gob, your opinion?

I specificly enjoyed the part where Jacob got burried under 2 tons of concrete...hehe.

Yeah, everybody liked that part. But other then that?

Well, the match between Usul and Lord J was pretty good...and gory.

Mahdi, your opinion?

The match between Elvis or Exatreides and Baron Carl was pretty good I s'pose...bit to short though. By the way, how is ex-Exatreides?

You actually care? Well, doc says he needs new kidneys, a new liver and a new set of longues won't do any harm either. Personally I think he could use a new pair of vocal cords too. Anyway, what do you think, Nema?

I would like to discuss the technical details of the match between Dunenewt and Ixianmace. As we can see on the screen, Ixianmace makes an unprecedent manouvre by turning 180 degrees and then make a pirouete, for some reason beyond me. Then Dunenewt steps towards him, grabs his throat and strangles him. Ixianmace responds then by strangling him too. When they let go of eachother, Ixianmace stumbles to the edge of the ring and gasps for breath. Dunenewt drops on his knees and also gasps for breath. Then they stumble towards eachother again and make a series of manouvres....

Exactly what is your point?

My conclusion is that the match was poorly choreographed and carried out in a half baked manner.

Uuuuh...yeah. Tiny, what do you have to say?

Got any pickles?

I mean, about the tournament?

Oh...uuuuh I liked the part where Jacob drives his hospital bed over Goldeagle, then backs over again. Gory....

Pinky, I was wondering what happened to Dunenewt?

Hmm? From what I've heard, he was pretty much okay when they drove him away in the ambulance. To bad, a comet just happened to hit right that ambulance and left a largish crater. Other ambulances came and started collecting burned parts of him. Right now they're replacing most of his body components with cybernetic implants.

But other then that he's okay?



Well, it's almost time again. I'd like to remind you that the persons who tried to kidnap Jacob are still out there. If you have any leads on who could have done this, call the police. Anybody else have anything to say?

Eeehm...those persons on the draughts certainly don't look like anybody I know!

Me neither!

I have carried out a series of calculations based on current results and observations, and I bet my money on that The_Sardaukar is going to win.

That's all folks! Join us next time on Fed2k Deathmatch!

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sounds like what i wanted to do with fed2k fight club.....*sigh*

too bad everyone wanted to write it themselves.........

its not a true fed2k deathmatch unless i fight exatreides. and we all know who wins that one.


and for all you idiots, i am what was formerly gila until i saw the light.

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(OOC: please stop posting here. If you wish to comment, please do it in the fiction comments thread)

Welcome to Fed2k Deathmatch! The next series of matches will be between the losers of the previous matches. Those that lose this ones are out of the tournament.

Today, in the left corner, Timenn!


Timenn was forced to wear a muzzle because he tried to eat his last opponent.

And in the other corner, Lord Johnsonius!


Lord J had to get a new set of teeth because his old ones were not found after his latest match. By the way, those rumours that I collected them and sold them at the souvenir shop are totally untrue...hehe.

[Lord J opens mouth and roars, displaying a set of orcish saberteeth]

There's the referee...he gives the sign! Lord J jumps on Timenn....he's hammering his fist repeatedly on his head...Timenn doesn't do anything about it...

[Lord J jumps of off in front of Timenn, tired]

Grrrr....I shall defeat you! Glory to the Arrowhead provence!


[Lord J smells Timenns breath]

Spice...and something else...disgusting! Dude, brush your teeth!

Hey! That was an insult! Prepare to die, you puny human!



Timenn is raged...he's jumping all over the ring trying to hit Lord J, causing the entire building to shake...oh oh, pieces of the ceiling are falling down! Timenn just hit Lord J with his tail segments....he just jumped on him! Oh my God, that has to hurt! A complete knock out, ladies and gentlemen! The referee is counting...9...10! Timenn wins!

[Tremendous cheering]

To bad this means Lord Johnsonius is out of the tournament...well, that's life! Besides, he'd be lucky if he doesn't need to ride in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Join us next time on Fed2k Deathmatch!

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