Jump to content

Joke

Davidu

By Davidu
in General

 Share

Recommended Posts

Dunenewt

Dunenewt

Posted
Posted

When people go to certain events, everyone gets stripped of their rank.  I went to an Air Cadet camp where everyone got stripped of their rank, but I, and a select few others, got a 'field' promotion of the highest rank possible, which pissed off the people who actually had those ranks.

  • 3 weeks later...
jeff2429

jeff2429

Posted
Posted

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure

  • 2 weeks later...
jeff2429

jeff2429

Posted
Posted

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

  • 2 months later...
leo

leo

Posted
Posted

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

lol :D

  • 1 month later...
alchemi2

alchemi2

Posted
Posted

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell in to a barn yard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little bird.

The sparrow thought it was his end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sound. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him up. The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit - keep your mouth shut.

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Edric O

Edric O

Posted
Posted

Mac vs. PC: The Transformers version

(yes, this video involves Macs and PCs turning into robots - you have to wait for about 45 seconds before it gets to that part)

Also, does no one post in this thread any more?

  • 2 months later...
Wolf

Wolf

Posted
Posted

(Curtain)

A chicken and an egg lay together in bed, naked, following what appears to have been a warm night of sexual congress. The chicken turns over to the egg:

CHICKEN: So, I guess that answers that question.

(End)

Wolf

Wolf

Posted
Posted

Haha, I'm glad you caught that Latin reference. I don't really know any good jokes, I'm afraid, Hwi--what you saw above I stole ruthlessly from a friend of mine. The only other joke I like is a Soviet-era joke that goes something like this, and please forgive any weirdness, I'm translating, here--

Two men wait for a bus.

One man turns to the other and says, "You know what the difference between the Party and a bus window is?"

The other man says, "What?"

The first man says, "Only one man can climb out the window of a bus, but everyone can climb out of the Party.

The second man stops to think, and asks, "You know what the difference between you and the bus is?"

The first man says, "What?"

The second man replies, "The bus will go to the next stop, but you--," as he's speaking he flips up the collar of his jacket to reveal a KGB shield and continues, "--will be coming with me."

The first man smiles and asks, "You know what the difference between you and me is?"

The second man replies, "What?"

The first man flips his own collar up to reveal a KGB shield.

chatfsh

chatfsh

Posted
Posted

That one sent a little chill down the spine. 

Ready for mine -

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Wolf

Wolf

Posted
Posted

And now for the greatest alliterative joke of all-time (beware, Adult Content follows):

A boy turns 16-years old and approaches his father to confess that he has never had a sexual experience. Aghast, his father demands that the boy follow him to a place in town where he will, and I quote, "learn all about sex." The boy follows his father, and as they round the corner to the back door of the brothel, they see a long line snaking its way out the door. The father stops his son, and hands him a duck.

"A duck?" The boy asks. The father explains, "Son, trust me, show them this duck, and they'll let you in the back free of charge. I've done it a thousand times." Cautiously, the boy agrees, and the father leaves him with the annoying animal. As the boy waits in line, a man cries out, and turns to him, "Kid, I totally forgot that I left my oven on, will you please take $5 to hold my place in line?" Reluctantly, the boy agrees, "But only if you'll hold take my duck with you and bring him back with you--I'll even return your five dollars," The man agrees, the boy takes the money, and the man runs off. Soon, he returns.

Eventually, the boy makes his way inside the brothel, hands over his duck, and proceeds to an encounter with one of the many ladies of ill-repute. Afterwards, the lady is so astonished at the boy's sexual prowess that she offers him the duck back if only he'll make love to her a second time. He agrees, and returns home with the duck. Seeing the duck, the father cries out; "Oh Goddammit, son, you failed! I told you to give them the duck--"

But the son exclaims, "Father, you don't understand, I got five bucks for a duck, a duck for five bucks, a f--k for a duck, a duck for a f--k, and I still have the f--king duck!"

MrFlibble

MrFlibble

Posted
Posted

The only other joke I like is a Soviet-era joke that goes something like this, and please forgive any weirdness, I'm translating, here--

Two men wait for a bus.

One man turns to the other and says, "You know what the difference between the Party and a bus window is?"

The other man says, "What?"

The first man says, "Only one man can climb out the window of a bus, but everyone can climb out of the Party.

The second man stops to think, and asks, "You know what the difference between you and the bus is?"

The first man says, "What?"

The second man replies, "The bus will go to the next stop, but you--," as he's speaking he flips up the collar of his jacket to reveal a KGB shield and continues, "--will be coming with me."

The first man smiles and asks, "You know what the difference between you and me is?"

The second man replies, "What?"

The first man flips his own collar up to reveal a KGB shield.

Hm, I know quite a few Soviet-era jokes but I hear this one for the first time. Is the original in Russian? :)

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.