Joke

[lowzeewee]

:) 911 strange calls :)

1. Two young embarrassed children: "Can you send the police up here? Mum and dad went out and we found some handcuffs in their bedroom  and put them on and now we're stuck together and don't have a key. Come quick, they'll be home soon."

2. A woman rang up screaming that she had been to her local supermarket and bought bananas. When she got them home, a tarantula crawled out. It turned out to be a leaf from the garden.

3. "My husband's late home from work. Where is he?" (Police said: "A call like this could be important ... but this was just a personal moan").

4. A school rang up to say there was a pigeon in the building and wanted police to get it out.

5. A man rang to say that he had received an electricity bill but had already paid it. It turned out he had changed supplier so had two bills.

6. "Get the police now, there's a peacock on my lawn."

7. Man: "My next door neighbour is in my garden". Police: "Have you asked him what he's doing?", Man: "No. Get the police straight away." (It turned out he was gardening).

8. "I've lost my snake in the house."

9. A teenager rang to say he missed the bus home from school and wanted a lift from the police as his dad could not pick him up.

[lowzeewee]

http://www.vetfriends.com/jokes/list_of_jokes.cfm

[Megashrap]

Triumph vs. the Michael Jackson supporters

Just click on the green highlighted "watch now".

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2672935

[lowzeewee]

Lowzeewee asking a "local" Canadian man directions in a rough part of Canada:

Lowzeewee: Sir, can you direct me to Newfoundland please.

Man: Yes [and then with arms pointing correspondingly...] Go like this, then you Go like that, then Go like this.... [arms by now gesticulating wildly], then Go like that, and then you will Go like this, and then you will reach a junction.

When you reach the junction, then you will Go like that, and then Go like this. Then you will reach a market.

When you reach the market, Ask anybody there. They will tell you where it is.

Lowzeewee: Erm. Thank you sir. (as I walk off, more confused than ever, but smiling in appreciation nevertheless, in order not to make the man think I'm ungrateful for his assistance).

[Andrew]

Is it a real (as in happened) joke is my question.

Because if you were somewhere not in atlantic canada the people would laugh at someone for asking it. :)

Did you know you can park your car in [EDIT z1x2]? Some tourists think they can in a day or so. Even though it would take around a month or more...

Some people are silly.

[lowzeewee]

Uh, I 'm supposed to laugh now?

No you are supposed to cry.

[Dude_Doc]

Okay, I don't know if anyone already posted this, but here goes (read it from another place):

George and Susan are at their house. Suddenly, the phone calls and George has to leave. Some time passes and Susan hears that someone is knocking on the door. It's Mike:

Mike: "Hey, is George here?"

Susan: "No, he left. But you can come in and wait for him. I'm sure he won't be long."

Mike steps into the house and sits down on a chair, Susan sitting down on another chair nearby. They wait. Nothing. Suddenly, Mike says:

Mike: "Hey, have I told you that you have the most beautiful breasts in the whole town? I'll give you $100 if you show one of them."

Susan is shocked. But she thinks about it, no one is there, no one will know, and finally decides to show Mike one of her breasts. 10 minutes pass. Then:

Mike: "I'll give you another $100 if you show me the other one."

Susan shows him the other breast. Another 10 minutes pass. Then Mike stands up and says:

Mike: "Well, I have to go now."

Mike leaves. After some time, George arrives. Susan tells him that Mike came by and waited for him. Then George replies:

George: "Oh. By the way, did he leave the $200 he owed me?"

-----------

[Tako]

ok that one is funny

[lowzeewee]

Hehe nice one there! :D

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. Thats nothing, cause if you play it forwards, it installs Windows.

[Tako]

a horse sinks in a mud-poul and a chicken comes by, "save me says the horse" the chicken takes out his mercedes and pulls out the horse "thank you I am in your debt " says the horse

a few days later the chicken is stuck in the mud "quik" says the chick " take out your BMW and pull me out"

"no need" the horse replies and he pull out his dick wich is as we know of horses very long

the chick comes walks out of the poul

the moral of this story??

"you do not need a fancy car to get chick if your dick is long enough

what do you call a woman who has lost 99 % of her intalligence?

divorced

[Khan]

I wish I wasn't banned from criticizing jokes.

[lowzeewee]

I wish I wasn't banned from criticizing jokes.

Go make your own jokes thread!

[Dude_Doc]

Another one I just read:

Once, there were a rabbit and a bear, and they hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp, and activated it. They got three wishes eash. The bear started:

"I wish that I was the only male bear in this whole forrest, and the rest female", and he got his wish.

Then the rabbit wished:

"I wish that I had a motorcycle helmet", and he got his wish.

Then, the bear again:

"I wish that I was the only male bear in this whole country", and he got his wish.

The rabbit again:

"I wish that I had a motorcycle" - and he got his wish.

Then, the last wish, the bear said:

"I wish that I was the only male bear in the whole world, and the rest female", and he got his final wish.

Then the rabbit wished:

"I wish that the bear was gay".

[lowzeewee]

http://www.jewmilk.com/tarzanrubberband.htm

[DjCiD]

:O  ::shudders::  :O

...

that made absolutely no sense at all..... one thing is certain, I'll sleep a little less soundly tonite...

:O  ::shudders::  :O

[Khan]

Absolutely brilliant, I know what I'll be thinking about in my exam tomorrow...

[lowzeewee]

A Nigerian man and an American man are sitting next to each other on a long flight from London to New York. The American man leans over to the Nigerian and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Nigerian just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American man persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Nigerian politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The American man , now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!" This catches the Nigerian's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Nigerian doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the American.

Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the American "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The American looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Nigerian and hands him $100. The Nigerian politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, shakes the Nigerian and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Nigerian reaches into his wallet, hands the American $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[lowzeewee]

Some medical Students were having their first class with a real Corpse. the Professor began: "As a Doctor, it is necessary to have two qualities". "The first is that you must not be disgusted by the human body". For an example, the professor stuck his finger in the corpse arse, then stuck his finger in his mouth. "Do the same" he said. The students freaked, but eventually took turns. When everybody had finished, the prof said, "The second most important thing is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index. Now learn to pay attention

[Anathema]

That's already been posted once Low. Still funny to read it again though :)

[lowzeewee]

Sharing

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He ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the littleold lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered.... "THE TEETH."

[Davidu]

OOOOHHHHHHH F**K!!!

LOOOL

That's a nasty one! :D

[lowzeewee]

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago. So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!

-Adapted from a Nigerian online discussion forum

[erjin999]

Heard the same joke but with another ethnic group. Nice joke !

I wonder who came up with it first. I guess with most internet jokes, we will never know.

[lowzeewee]

Men, dont say this in a bra shop....

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No, thanks. I'm just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this!!!

6. Oh, the size won't matter, she's inflatable.

5. That's okay. You don't have to wrap it, I'll eat it

here!

4. Will you model this for me?

3. Miracle what? This is better than world peace!

2. 45 bucks?! You're just going to end up naked

anyway!

1. And the thing a man should never, ever under

any circumstances say out loud in the bra shop:

Oh, honey, you'll never get your fat ass into that!

[lowzeewee]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

" The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart