ordos45 Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 I recieved this e-mail recently, which deals with history test answers given by Sixth Graders. Upon reading this, I now fear gravely for our Public Education System. Many of these involve Historical figures, a few religion, and many politics.HISTORY INSIGHTS from 6TH GRADERSThe following were answers provided by 6th gradersduring history tests. Watch the spelling! Some ofthe best humor is in the misspelling.1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies andthey all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the SarahDessert. The climate of the Sarah is such thatall the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Seawhere they made unleavened bread, which isbread made without any ingredients. Moses wentup on Mount Cyanide to get the tencommandments. He died before he ever reachedCanada.3. Solomon had three hundred wives and sevenhundred porcupines.4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, andwithout them we wouldn't have history. The Greeksalso had myths. A myth is a female moth.5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who wentaround giving people advice. They killed him.Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. Afterhis death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on thebattlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murderedhim because they thought he was going to bemade king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and wascanonized by Bernard Shaw.8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As aqueen she was a success. When she exposedherself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.Another important invention was the circulation ofblood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figurebecause he invented cigarettes and started smoking.10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a100-foot clipper.11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance wasWilliam Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,supposedly on his birthday. He never made muchmoney and is famous only because of his plays.He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet arean example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wishwas to be laid by Juliet.12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare wasMiguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. Thenext great author was John Milton. Milton wroteParadise Lost. Then his wife died and he wroteParadise Regained.13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed theContented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of theDeclaration of Independence. Franklin discoveredelectricity by rubbing two cats backward anddeclared, "A horse divided against itself cannotstand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatestPrecedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, andhe was born in a log cabin which he built with hisown hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves bysigning the Emasculation Proclamation. On thenight of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theaterand got shot in his seat by one of the actors in amoving picture show. They believe the assinatorwas John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insaneactor. This ruined Booth's career.15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musicalcompositions and had a large number of children.In between, he practiced on an old spinster whichhe kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 tothe present. Bach was the most famouscomposer in the world and so was Handel. Handelwas half German, half Italian, and half English. Hewas very large.16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took longwalks in the forest even when everyone was callingfor him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later diedfor this.17. The nineteenth century was a time of a greatmany thoughts and inventions. People stoppedreproducing by hand and started reproducing bymachine. The invention of the steamboat causeda network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormickinvented the McCormick raper, which did thework of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovereda cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was anaturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marxbecame one of the Marx Brothers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DukeLeto Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 lol, I almost fell out of my chair laughing! ;DThe scary thing is, some of my friends look at some of these things and say "I don't get it. What's wrong with it?" :O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SurlyPIG Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 :O ??? They CAN'T be real, can they? I didn't think anyone was that dense! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slaphapy Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 LOL!!"they all wrote in hydraulics""which is bread made without any ingredients" really? lol"seven hundred porcupines." wow that's a lot of porcupines."A myth is a female moth." that's a classic!"After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline" nah! really?"When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.' " well, wouldn't you? lol"Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper." that's horrible!"He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday" that's another classic!"Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet." i wonder if they meant to write this?"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead." i thought he was still alive :P"he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands" that's one strong baby!"He was so deaf he wrote loud music" LOL!"Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this." lol another classicLOL Ordos those are soo great! but at the same time soo sad... poor teachers poor, poor teachers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acriku Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Some of these are too obviously made up for the intent of a joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davidu Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 LLLOOOOOLLLLZZZZZ!!!!!I had the best laughter in months!I like that thing - people stoped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine!I'm gonna save this on my PC! Man this is so good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nemafakei Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Oh, my goodness! I woke someone up laughing.Thankyou very much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anathema Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Lol, Good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Navaros Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 "Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.He was so deaf he wrote loud music."that is truly hilarious! it even made *me* laughalthough i don't think these are real, especially because it has Julius crying out "Tee hee, Brutus..." that kind of gives away the fact that it's not real. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slaphapy Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 even if some of them are faked (or all of them) they are still really funny to read ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davidu Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 I printed this page and showed it to my classmates. Man, they laughed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anathema Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 This one's best IMOMilton wroteParadise Lost. Then his wife died and he wroteParadise Regained. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slaphapy Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 lol, that's a great one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Sadukar Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 ROFL ;D ;D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 Right; here goes... Firstly just some RANDOM MISTAKES: 1) Volcanoes erupt with saliva.2) The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.3) My ancestors were pheasents who came from Geermany.And now... the main attraction! SIMILES AND METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS! 1) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might actually work.2) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.3) "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.4) He was lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.5) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.6) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around with power tools.7) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.8) She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.9) Her eyes were like limpid pools; only they had forgotton to put in any pH cleanser.10) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.11) Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first generation paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.12) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidently staple it to the wall.13) The Hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots whe you fry them in hot grease.14) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.15) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.16) He spoke with the wisdom that comes only from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 17) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.18) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.19) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.20) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintergrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formally surcharge-free ATM.21) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.22) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vagtable soup.23) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00p.m. instead of 7:30.24) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.25) Long seperated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced acorss the grassy field towards each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topaka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.26) They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.27) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that also had never met.28) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. 29) Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap; only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.30) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. Man that took a long time to type! Enjoy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anathema Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 The first ones were really funny, but they gradually became unfunnier :- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DjCiD Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 some of my favs ;D[*] The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.[*] Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.[*] McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.[*] It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidental staple it to the wall.Man don't you just hate when you accidental staple you tongue to the wall :D You wanna scream out in pain kinda like when you have yours eyes poked out with icicles ^-^The vegetable soup one kills me... him too *splat* :O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slaphapy Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 lol that staple one was halarious... i fell out of my chair and was ROFLothers i couldn't stop laughing at:She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap; only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.He spoke with the wisdom that comes only from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. thx dust scout for these great similes/metaphors Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DjCiD Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 LMBBO ;DHe spoke with the wisdom that comes only from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. How did I miss this one!! It's too halarious... I must have been looking at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it and gone blind and missed it ^-^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inoculator9 Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! THATS BRILLIANT! Mob informant... east river... cleveland... solar eclipse... surcharge... ;D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Personally I liked the hummingbirds... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inoculator9 Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Bernard Shaw... LMAO ;D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aeris Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 LMAO, those were hilarious, but I don't think they were from High school essays. I recognized some of them from the "Worst Analogy" contest. I hope none of those were actually from essays... :O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bryorama Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 ROFLMAO hahahahahahahhaa omg i can't stop, I woke someone too.... HAHAAHAHAHAH truly, i keep thinking about it.....0O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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