History Test Answers

[ordos45]

I recieved this e-mail recently, which deals with history test answers given by Sixth Graders. Upon reading this, I now fear gravely for our Public Education System. Many of these involve Historical figures, a few religion, and many politics.

HISTORY INSIGHTS from 6TH GRADERS

The following were answers provided by 6th graders

during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of

the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and

they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah

Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that

all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea

where they made unleavened bread, which is

bread made without any ingredients. Moses went

up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten

commandments. He died before he ever reached

Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven

hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and

without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks

also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went

around giving people advice. They killed him.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After

his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the

battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered

him because they thought he was going to be

made king. Dying, he gasped out:

"Tee hee, Brutus."

7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was

canonized by Bernard Shaw.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a

queen she was a success. When she exposed

herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.

Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

Another important invention was the circulation of

blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure

because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a

100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was

William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,

supposedly on his birthday. He never made much

money and is famous only because of his plays.

He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,

all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are

an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish

was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was

Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The

next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote

Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote

Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the

Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,

and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the

Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered

electricity by rubbing two cats backward and

declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot

stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest

Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and

he was born in a log cabin which he built with his

own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by

signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the

night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater

and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a

moving picture show. They believe the assinator

was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane

actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical

compositions and had a large number of children.

In between, he practiced on an old spinster which

he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to

the present. Bach was the most famous

composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel

was half German, half Italian, and half English. He

was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.

He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long

walks in the forest even when everyone was calling

for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died

for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great

many thoughts and inventions. People stopped

reproducing by hand and started reproducing by

machine. The invention of the steamboat caused

a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick

invented the McCormick raper, which did the

work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered

a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a

naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx

became one of the Marx Brothers.

[DukeLeto]

lol, I almost fell out of my chair laughing! ;D

The scary thing is, some of my friends look at some of these things and say "I don't get it. What's wrong with it?" :O

[SurlyPIG]

:O ??? They CAN'T be real, can they? I didn't think anyone was that dense!

[slaphapy]

LOL!!

"they all wrote in hydraulics"

"which is bread made without any ingredients" really? lol

"seven hundred porcupines." wow that's a lot of porcupines.

"A myth is a female moth." that's a classic!

"After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline" nah! really?

"When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.' " well, wouldn't you? lol

"Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper." that's horrible!

"He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday" that's another classic!

"Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet." i wonder if they meant to write this?

"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead." i thought he was still alive :P

"he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands" that's one strong baby!

"He was so deaf he wrote loud music" LOL!

"Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this." lol another classic

LOL Ordos those are soo great! but at the same time soo sad... poor teachers poor, poor teachers.

[Acriku]

Some of these are too obviously made up for the intent of a joke.

[Davidu]

LLLOOOOOLLLLZZZZZ!!!!!

I had the best laughter in months!

I like that thing - people stoped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine!

I'm gonna save this on my PC! Man this is so good!

[nemafakei]

Oh, my goodness! I woke someone up laughing.

Thankyou very much.

[Anathema]

Lol, Good stuff.

[Navaros]

"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.

He was so deaf he wrote loud music."

that is truly hilarious! it even made *me* laugh

although i don't think these are real, especially because it has Julius crying out "Tee hee, Brutus..." that kind of gives away the fact that it's not real.

[slaphapy]

even if some of them are faked (or all of them) they are still really funny to read ;)

[Davidu]

I printed this page and showed it to my classmates. Man, they laughed!

[Anathema]

This one's best IMO

Milton wrote

Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote

Paradise Regained.

[slaphapy]

lol, that's a great one

[The_Sadukar]

ROFL ;D ;D

[Dante]

Right; here goes... Firstly just some RANDOM MISTAKES:

1) Volcanoes erupt with saliva.

2) The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.

3) My ancestors were pheasents who came from Geermany.

And now... the main attraction! SIMILES AND METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS!

1) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might actually work.

2) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

3) "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

4) He was lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

5) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

6) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around with power tools.

7) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

8) She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

9) Her eyes were like limpid pools; only they had forgotton to put in any pH cleanser.

10) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

11) Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first generation paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

12) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidently staple it to the wall.

13) The Hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots whe you fry them in hot grease.

14) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

15) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

16) He spoke with the wisdom that comes only from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

17) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

18) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

19) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

20) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintergrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formally surcharge-free ATM.

21) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

22) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vagtable soup.

23) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00p.m. instead of 7:30.

24) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

25) Long seperated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced acorss the grassy field towards each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topaka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

26) They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

27) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that also had never met.

28) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

29) Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap; only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

30) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

Man that took a long time to type! Enjoy!

[Anathema]

The first ones were really funny, but they gradually became unfunnier :-

[DjCiD]

some of my favs ;D

• [*] The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.

[*] Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

[*] McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

[*] It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidental staple it to the wall.

Man don't you just hate when you accidental staple you tongue to the wall :D

You wanna scream out in pain kinda like when you have yours eyes poked out with icicles ^-^

The vegetable soup one kills me... him too *splat* :O

[slaphapy]

lol that staple one was halarious... i fell out of my chair and was ROFL

others i couldn't stop laughing at:

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap; only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

He spoke with the wisdom that comes only from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

thx dust scout for these great similes/metaphors

[DjCiD]

LMBBO ;D

He spoke with the wisdom that comes only from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

How did I miss this one!! It's too halarious... I must have been looking at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it and gone blind and missed it ^-^

[Inoculator9]

LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! LMAO!

THATS BRILLIANT! Mob informant... east river... cleveland... solar eclipse... surcharge... ;D

[Dante]

Personally I liked the hummingbirds... :)

[Inoculator9]

Bernard Shaw... LMAO ;D

[Aeris]

LMAO, those were hilarious, but I don't think they were from High school essays. I recognized some of them from the "Worst Analogy" contest. I hope none of those were actually from essays... :O

[bryorama]

ROFLMAO hahahahahahahhaa omg i can't stop, I woke someone too.... HAHAAHAHAHAH truly, i keep thinking about it.....0O