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Thoughts: Thursday, December 19, 2002. 1:16 AM

I'm going to work hard at finishing these mods and maps. It's simply killing me how nothing is getting done in general, and how slow progress is. No matter how hard I try, work just seems to be getting delayed. All this family crap at this time of the year is just plain great, as far as timing is concerned. I need to be able to concentrate, and I seriously do not need their crap. Sometimes, I really wonder whether they are just overreacting, or do it to try to get at me. Nevermind. Whatever the reason is (if there is one), it can be laid to rest before it surfaces. :P :-X

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Thoughts: Tuesday, December 24, 2002, 11:48 PM

It's almost Christmas here in Australia. For some reason I don't feel anything, no excitement, no happiness, absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. It feels strange doesn't it? Perhaps you'll grow to get used to it, perhaps not. I once remember someone said: "as you grow up, your heart dies". Perhaps they were right. Pfft, I don't know. This whole Christmas thing did wear off for me a long time ago, the fun of the occasion started to wear off, and eventually, it just felt like another year. But why do I feel now as if it is all just a drag? Why have I been feeling so tired lately? So many questions, and so little answers. I feel as if I could just leave this place, leave this whole reality and collect my thoughts. Find someplace quiet where I can be by myself and reflect on the times that have past, and the times that are yet to come. It is if I am searching for something. I do not know what that is, but I know that I must find it somehow. I watch the people on the street, I watch the people in the house that I live in go about their daily business. What separates me from them? It is there, I know it is. Is it my troubled state of mind? Am I just being overly paranoid? Only time will tell.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Starting the new year I expected things to be quiet and easy. As you can understand I was surprised/shocked to see the work ahead of me when I came in the office. Another group of 7 people joined and I was asked to train them. It's always nice to hear these things upfront and not on the day itself. So I quickly sorted some documents I already had written and started the training. Still not feeling quite well from the new years eve party (had drunk way to much :)), I believed I was heading for a harsh day at work.

My mobile phone went off and it was my brother in law who had arranged tickets for LOTR and if I wanted to join. OF COURSE ! So tonight I'm going to see LOTR and am really looking forward to it. An hou later I get a message that I need to call my wife. First thing that comes into mind is that somethings wrong with my daughter (she's been sick lately, having bad stumoch pains). When I called I received the news that my new car has arrived and I can pick it up this afternoon. YAY ! As you can understand I'm going to go home EARLY to pick up my new car and before I head of to see LOTR, to get some sleep :D

So in the beginning it looked like a hard day, but in the end it's a good start of the new year :)

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Well I am just doin fine. Been writing and sketching a bit here and there. listening to music and whatnot. dunno, life without metaphysical purpose is worthless indeed. Studied more of The Screwtape Letters. The bible too. Pretty good stuff.

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Thoughts: Sunday, January 5, 2003, 10:31 AM

How pathetic. I can't believe how many times I've received this stupid virus attachment in my e-mail. It's the same old s**t every time!! Exactly 47k. Always the same thing about 'being in love' and blablabla. I know this isn't the best thing to be putting here, but it was just so niggly that I had to make a note of it.

Heh, oh well. One more for the trash can. ::) :P

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Dear Wynona,

Why does everybody in the world get e-mails with viruses attached and not me? I don't know what I am doing wrong. Perhaps I am not selling myself enough on the open web? I hope the viruses find their way into my Inbox, for a tired and lonely receiver will be there waiting, wishing. Perhaps one day Wynona, perhaps...


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Dear Wyona.

Cait broke up with me......aka the Sait alia of the knife(her fed2k screen name)

She didnt even have the decency to phone me. SHE SENT ME A FUCKING DEAR JOHN EMAIL!

god damnit.

she somehow got the im to one of my online....lovers?


i only get to see her 10 min a week anyway.... i knew this whole dating thing was for the dutch. we had fun a couple times...but i knew she was going to brake up with me sooner or later. BUT A FUCKING DEAR JOHN EMAIL? god how lame is that. i feel like dog urine now.......... :-

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thoughts: Wednesday, January 15, 2003, 3:25 AM

Man do I feel like a moron or what. I just played a game of Haegemonia online. If that really qualified for 'play'. It was terrible. The guy probably felt sorry for me. He LEFT my system through the wormhole after taking one of my planets, and said he'd GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE!! WTF?!?! Man, you can flame me, you can own my a**, you can do anything you like to me online, but you DO NOT humiliate me like that. The least he could have done was destroy me, and let me die with dignity. But leaving me alone after it was CLEAR that I was at his mercy with just about nothing, compared to all his battleships was as f*****g humiliating and lame as you can get!! I couldn't believe it. I was sitting there for like, 30 seconds after he typed that message on the screen shocked and dumbfounded out of my wits. I just could not believe and comprehend what the message said. I never, NEVER, in all of my time online believed that something as incredible and disgusting as this could EVER have happened to me? What did I do to deserve this s**t? Please, tell me. I'd really like to know, because maybe I'm missing something here. Maybe I've got this whole damn thing wrong.

Ok, ok, so you're probably thinking that I'm overreacting. Ok, it's just a game, it's just a game. But the way he talked, saying he was going to kill us and all that crap, it was so annoying that I was almost going to puke. It was just, well, plain rude. Perhaps in a week or two I'll look back on this, and say to myself: "what the heck was I complaining for? That was nothing!!" Maybe. But right now, I feel like a complete tool. Perhaps I deserved it. Perhaps I had it coming all along. Anyway, I hope that if it ever happens again, that they'll just let me die. If I am not worthy of death, then what am I worthy of at all? :O :( :-[ :'(

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Ok. Today has been the worst day ever.

it started out ok. untill i went to my first period class.

Me and my best G Arik were sitting across from each other when the teacher said.

"Only 6 people in this class are passing."

Arik then said.

"Put er there buhdy were the majority!" And we high fived

then the teacher yelled at us.

I put my head down and smiled thinking. Maybe its not us. maybe its your teaching style.

Then she sent me to the office. she must have seen me smile or something.

Well i go down to the offise.

its 8:41 now. School started at 8:38. in the office in three minutes! a new record! hehehe.

Well i sat in the office till 9:30....Ok slept. there till 9:30. When the 8th grade principul mrs Bitch AKA Mrs. Eaton. Comes out and wakes me up. and asks why i am there. I tell her and they throw me in isolation. Which is prety much like in prison when they throw you in the hole. Except in this there is alight. and its really small.

I was in there for 4 periods. I had a FED2k from my wrist to my elbow lol. I was so board.

When she finaly came and told me to come to her office. I sat down. And she said which surprised me. "Whats this about a hit list?"

I was like. "A hit list? Uh what?"

Well aparently my fucking LA teach went through all my privit stuff. including my jurnal. And on page 267 of it. There is a bunch of signitures. She thought this was a hit list.

ok 2 things

1. If it was a hitlist. Why would i have people sighn tere names in it.

2. why did she think it was a hitlist when i had Video Game petition written on the top of it?

Uh! So she went and got it. When she did. She started fucking reading it. MY PRIVET STUFF! but oh well who cares about privicy since the patriot act they can look in whatever they want. YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS. Thasts what she said.

Isnt that a slave? I asked

"Yes sort of." She replyed.

Then when i went to finly went to class at 12:05. Everyone kept saying. Am i on your hitlist ect. I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING SCREEM AND RUN HOME. I HAD TO PUT UP WITH THAT FOR THE REST OF THE FRELLING DAY! AND IT WASNT EVEN A HIT LIST! it was a petition to stop leibermen from passing a new law about m rated games. BUT NOT SHE CAN READ MY JURNAL. WHICH HAS STUFF ABOUT ME AND MY Ex-Girfirend in it. Stuff about gwen stefani... And a bunch of other priviet crap. If i am lucky i will get it back and nothing will happen.

if she decied againt it. she can keep it. And Have me expeled. Sent To juvy/PHyatric care. ECT! GOD I AM SO Frelling pissed!


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Thoughts: Monday, January 20, 2003, 3:45 AM

Yes!! I got first preference!! I got into TAFE!! If I can complete this course adequately over the next two years, I will be able to get into Uni and finally complete my degree!! OMFG, I really was not expecting this. I was hoping for it, but I was definitely not expecting it. I take this as another chance (how many of them have I had? ::) :P) to get things right. I'd better not f**k it up this time, or I'm really screwed. I know, it'll be hard, I learnt that the tough way, but I have to discipline myself for the times to come. So for now, I'll play Emperor and Haegemonia while I can, and watch DVDs and just chill out online, because pretty soon, I'll have to keep myself from doing what I get the most pleasure out of. I'll enjoy it while I can.

I might even play some games online on WOL.

-Ix. ;)

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thoughts: Monday, February 17, 2003, 10:35PM

Pheww!! Today was the first official day of TAFE. Get up out of bed by 6:00AM, be ready and out of the house by 6:45AM. Arrive at the institute at 8:20AM. The rest was pretty much all touch and go. By the time I got home, it was about 7:30PM. I'm glad that the rest of the days of the week aren't like this on the timetable though. On the first test, I got 100%!! :D It seemed so simple, I was amazed. I must spend too much time on computers, lol. ::) So much for all my spare time. I hope I will achieve grades that are of high enough standards to satisfy myself, I don't want to mess things up now. :- I'm tired. I can't think up anymore to say right now, so I'll end it here.

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Dear Connie

I cried my heart out today because my photos from the Cavern didn't come out. I think people will think I am shallow for crying about that when theres a war on our doorstep, but sometimes it's just easier to focus on the little things.

I rang Johnny to apologise for the photo incedent and he was lovely and thanked me for all my work on Saturday herding the masses to the Cavern.

I'm listening to my new Kelly Osbourne CD, and I really have to go get my hair cut soon.

I'm going to Manchester on Wednesday on my own and I'm sh*tting myself about it. I have to find the religious studies dept and talk to the tutors ON MY OWN. *is a wimp*

I met a lovely boy this weekend and thought he was great. Then I found out he is 5 years younger than me. Which doesnt matter once you reach a certain age, but seems just... wrong when you are crossing a teen-20s boundary. Gah, sixth formers should be banned from having misleading facial hair.

Mind you, I dont actually want a boyfriend at the moment, its just kinda weird being on my own after so many years with my ex. But this is not the diary to discuss that in..

I'm just gonna keep on throwing myself into promoting The Plastic Mac and making sure they get somewhere this year. I have 100% faith in them. They are amazing.

Babye for now Connie, please don't kick me offline just yet.

Love Amy


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it seems like i lost some money yesterday after man U was held to a 1-1 draw,Arsenal thrashed ManC 5-1 and Everton beat Soton 2-1 though i thought it would be ended at 1-0 and i would earn money but at least for the rest,i had won-looks like i just lost $6 in the end

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Thoughts: Sunday, February 23, 2003, 5:28PM

It's bloody boiling in here!! 36 degrees!! >:( Why does the stupid weather always have to play up on the weekends when I have some spare time to go online? I have to sit here in this heat and [hide]piss all over myself (sweat ;))[/hide] in this heat if I want to go online, because I have to go and study later, get some sleep, and do other time consuming tasks. :( Things are getting more and more hectic, and I guess I'll have to adapt. I'm not looking forward to getting up at 5:40AM tomorrow morning, but you do what you have to do. The good things is, my map of the Solar System is almost finished. Just a few more hours of tweaking the planetmoon orbits, and getting the spacing right, along with some extra features, if I feel like it, and it'll be ready in about 3 days!! :D I hope the Haegemonia community like it, after all, they did complain about the original maps that came with the game, being too unrealistic, since the planets were too close to each other. You want to take years to get from one planet to another? Then I think I'll have just what you're looking for very soon. 8)

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Thoughts: Wednesday, February 26, 2003, 11:31PM

Today is a black day in the history of my life. Why do I sense a pattern in my interaction with my fellow human beings? Why do I feel so distant from them, even though I am still of their kind? Is there something that I must learn about them? Or is there something that I must learn about myself? Perhaps my mind is not yet as mature as I thought it to be. When I told myself that: "Human emotion is something that I will never understand", I didn't know just how ironic those nine words would prove to be. A few years later, they come right back at me, haunting me, taunting me, slowly devouring me, in the infinite chaos that is my mind. I keep telling myself that life is a learning experience, and that you don't have any real purpose, only to live, and experience life. Maybe I think too much about these things. But I can't really describe what I'm feeling right now. The closest I can get is to say it is a maelstrom of anger, hate, sorrow, pity, confusion, and strangely enough, calm. Has my mind been warped by experience through life, so far that it has gone beyond the point of no return? How can I get up every morning, and go about my casual business like I'm perfectly normal? I feel as if I'm slowly being torn apart into 3 separate pieces. The first piece wants to have a satisfying, fulfilling life, go out and meet people, socialize, and leave the past behind, where it belongs. All the lovely dovey bullshit. The second part is like a mind forever locked in a prison of ice, completely indifferent to the human beings that it interacts with, regarding them as only pitiful entities, worth nothing more than a few words, and a quick dismissal. The last part is the worst of my deepest inner self. The black side of my heart. It wants to be hated, it wants to hate. It will look from happiness to atrocity without changing expression. Almost no amount of reason, or persuading will deviate its' course from utter pleasure out of pain. Deep inside, it probably cries out for someone or something to release it from it's never ending cycle of pain and misery. Sometimes, I think that it may be crying out to death. I know I don't want to go that way, but I also know that it's a true part of me. I can't deny it. I don't want to. :( I could be really blunt, and justify what I'm feeling by saying that it's just all a bunch of chemicals and electrical signals being fired from the neurons in my brain. Yeah, I could say that. But it just doesn't cut it. Is it me? Am I a person that is fated to forever see the bad side of people? Will life continue to contort my jaded mind, and reinforce the already too powerful feeling of distrust against people? I want to trust people. I want to like them. I want to be able to get something positive out of my interactions with them. Unfortunately, as much as I try to convince myself that this can be achieved quite easily, the feeling that it can't is just too powerful. It is a feeling that is permanently embedded in my deepest inner mind now. I see it as the reason why whenever someone does something nice for me, even if it is genuinely out of the kindess of their heart, that I question what it is that they are trying to get from me. It's the reason why whenever I talk to someone directly, I watch them intently, trying to pick up slight deviations in the tone of their voice, or a small change in their body language, that might give some kind of indication that they do not like me. I do not know why I sit here at this hour, and spill my genuine thoughts on life to you. I do not know how you will interpret it, whether you will dismiss it as pathetic, childish rant, or someone that has low self-esteem, and is just trying to get attention. It's 12 midnight now, right as I type these words. Right in the middle of my favourite time of the day. The last hour of today, and the first hour of tomorrow. Or you could say that it is the last hour of yesterday, and the first hour of today. I'm talking about 11PM-1AM. I probably think too much. Dwell on pointless issues that will get me nowhere in life. But if you could feel what I feel, you would know what kind of a mind trip that this is, and that is has been more than a bumpy ride on this winding path I travel. Who knows what I may encounter further down the track? Into the darkness we go, hopefully with eyes wide open. I can only hope that it will not be my undoing...

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Thoughts: Friday, February 28, 2003, 12:35AM

I have a test on data communications today. I just finished stuyding minutes ago. I don't think the test will be really that hard, although I don't want to underestimate the difficulty of the content. I've already completed my 'journal' entry, that our teacher considers so important towards our future reference and learning. Thank goodness class only goes from 9AM-12PM today. I'll be more than glad to see the end of the week again. I have to run some serious backup and maintenance today when I get home from class. I didn't get the time to do it yesterday. Additionally, I didn't get enough time to do a single improvement towards completing my Solar System map. :( Still no word from Bershe about the beta I sent him. If I don't hear from him later today, I'll have no choice but to proceed with completion of the map without his opinion and expertise. After all, I did teach myself how to build maps. :) 8) I really want to release this map to the community sometime before or during the weekend (during the weekend will probably be more likely ::)). It quite fun building maps in 3D, even though it's only text editing I really enjoy doing it. ;D Then I'll have to set aside some time to organize my work papers, complete unfinished tasks, and refresh myself for the next week. It's almost quarter to 1AM. I'd better get to bed soon. I have to get up early this morning. The routine is already kicking in. I hope my body is adjusting properly. :P

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well.. hey opendiary. today has been pretty pointless if im honest with you. i went to work, i daydreamed. icame home and daydreamed and now i am here.. and still semi daydreaming.

sometimes i get so fed up with just... *people* i dont understand why things have to be such a chore to everyone, when really.. it genuinely is easier to just BE NICE to each other.

it's all just... eurgh. im lonely and fed up being lonely and having no one to talk to about it. i dont want my chuggie (my ex boyfriend) back, but i miss the closeness.. and the security. i try to talk to my friends about it, but they're all "yeahyeah.. you dont need a man blah blah" and i dont *need* a man.. i need some love though.

lots of people have a little love for me.. but every one of them has a significant other who they love wholly.. and then me second.

i dont think im asking too much to be first .. just for once.

tomorrow im going out with a bunch oif people who i love very much and their whole selction of significant others... except one who is recently lonlified too. bleeeuuurrrghhhhhh.

i have been working my ass off for this band, but i havbe a horrible gut feeling that actually they just think im kinda pathetic.

i dont know.. i havent felt this rubbish in a long time, so hopefully tomorrow will be a bright happy day and i will be my spritely self again.

babye opendiary.. until next time


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Dear Deep Thought:

The three main problem areas in my life are Air Cadets, Six Form and Rachel.

Yesturday at Air Cadets they were all misbehaving and making pathetic jokes about my religion (Wicca) so, as I'm a corporal, I just snapped on parade. I called them juvinle and pathetic. If they complain I'll probably get demoted just for telling the truth.

At Six Form I'm just behind. I mean I understand the tactics of World War II, Marxism, etc but am crap at school work.

Rachel is a girl I want to go out with but I'm a stupid and pathetic coward so someone had to tell her for me. That must drop my chances from about 0.00001% to about - 100000000000000000000%.

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