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Davidu

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Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

CIA training

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat his ass to death with the chair.'

GUNWOUNDS

GUNWOUNDS

Posted
Posted

CIA training

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat his ass to death with the chair.'

and the fed2k comedy award goes to

DjCiD

DjCiD

Posted
Posted

Jeff Gordon walks into a bar and sits down to have himself a drink. After ordering a beer he turns and notices a gorilla sitting down at the end of the bar. He motions to the barkeep and asks

"Pardon me whats that gorilla doing down there at the end of the bar?"

    "Oh him?" replies the barkeep "You really don't want to know" and he goes on back fixing drinks.

After some time, say 6 or 7 beers Jeff again motions to the barkeep and again inquires about the gorilla. And again the Barkeep shakes his head and tells him that he wouldn't be at all interested in what that gorilla was doing there. Jeff just shrugs his shoulders and lets it go.

Now its almost closing time and Jeff is just bursting with curiosity he waves down the barkeep and says" That's it I have tom know what that gorilla is for, I can't stand it any longer!"  The barkeep shakes his head disapprovingly and says "Are you absolutely sure you wanna know why that gorillas is down there?" boisterously he yells out "yes I am dieing to know!"

So the barkeep walks down to the end of the bar and pulls out a baseball bat from under the bar. He swings backward and with all his might *SMACK* knocks the gorilla upside the head knocking him off of the barstool. The gorilla jumps up and roars "GRRGRGRGRRRAAARRGGHHH" jumps up on the bar and roars again. Jumps behind the bar pulls down the barkeeps pants and starts going to town giving him head. The gorilla finishes jumps back over the bar gives on last mighty roar and sits back down. The barkeep walks down to where Jeff Gordon is sitting still holding the bat, looks back at the gorilla and asks Jeff "You want some of that?"

"Hell yeah!" says Jeff "but you don't have to hit ME with the bat" ^-^

Go Junior!! #8  8)

Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

Khan

Khan

Posted
Posted

I don't know why you guys take it so personally, its not like they are your jokes, just jokes you happen to link to this website.

Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

I don't know why you guys take it so personally, its not like they are your jokes, just jokes you happen to link to this website.

Hey! I take offence to your dislikes of my time consuming, detailed, highly artistic copy-n-paste plagiarism's. Man, some people.

Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

I've been raised on peter cook and chris morris but you're welcome to try. :P

Ok here goes....

Btw, no flame intended, just good fun  ;)

[attachment archived by Gobalopper]

Megashrap

Megashrap

Posted
Posted

ALABAMA'S WINDOWS XP

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.

Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right

cancel = hail no

reset = awa shoot

yes = shore

no = Naaaa

find = hunt-fer it

go to = over yonder

back = back yonder

help = hep me out here

stop = ternit off

start = crank it up

settings = sittins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP

tiperiter...........a word processor

colering book.......a graphics program

addin mershene......calculator

outhouse paper .....notepad

jupe-box ...........CD Player

iner-net............Microsoft Explorer

pichers.............A graphics viewer

IRS.................M/S accounting software

IRS2.................M/S accounting software with hidden files

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

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