Joke

[DjCiD]

There are numerous Joke threads in the General Forum, even a Dune Jokes one. It would make sense that all political and Religious jokes stay in this forum/thread.

There are three nuns talking with a Priest and he decides for their years of service they can go out and commit a sin and come back and he will forgive them. So the three nuns go their ways.

The first nun comes back her habit is torn and shes is cut on her arm and is carrying a porcelain doll. The priest ask what is your sin, and the nun replies trying to hold back her tears " I was walking down the street and saw tis doll in a window and just had to have it so I broke it and took it." The priest mumbled some stuff and told here to drink some of the holy water from the fountain and she would be forgiven. So she did.

Along comes the second nun and she is carrying most of her cloths and runs in crying "Oh father forgive me I just had to go see Jim Baker and have my way with him" again the Priest mumbled some stuff and told here to drink some of the holy water from the fountain and she would be forgiven. So she did.

In walks the third nun and she cannot stop laughing. The father tries to calm here but is unsuccessful. He asks here "Do you not want to be forgiven?" The nuns says "yes father but..." and again breaks into hysterical laughter. The father is getting angry he wants to hurry up and get this over with. Scornfully he says you must tell me what you did so I can forgive you. Threw here laughter he can barely make out... " I .... pissed... in the .... Holy water...."

[Davidu]

LOL, good one

[Anathema]

Lol Cid that last one was hilarious :D

A priest has a nice appletree in his backyard. Unfortunately, the neighbourhood kids constantly steal his apples. One day, he is fed up with it. He plants a sign in the yard "God sees everything".

The next morning, more apples have been stolen. He looks at the sign, and sees that someone has writtten somethign underneath the text.

"But he doesn't squeal"

A rookie priest gets to do the confessions for the first time.

Man #1 enters the church and starts to confess.

"Father, I have sinned. I have comitted adultry 7 times past week."

The rookie doens't know what to do with it, and decides to ask the elder priest.

"Let him say 1000 times ave Maria"

The rookie does so, and then man #2 enters the church.

"Father, I have sinned. Over the past week, I have comitted adultry 4 times."

The rookie doens't know what to do with this either, but he is to emberassed to take it to the elder priests. So he comes up with a solution.

"Comit adultry 3 more times, then say ave Maria 1000 times."

(note: sorry Iif I didn't translate the joke properly)

[DjCiD]

lol commit 3 more then... ;D too funny, I wasnt expecting that ;)

[emprworm]

trying to be faithful to what Gob said about making sure you label a thread as a joke before you bash another country politically, i am creating a political joke thread. Keep em clean. also, jokes against america are ok with me. Just keep them CLEAN!!!

warning: The following are jokes you would routinely find on comedy television. They are jokes that you would hear on the radio, read in a newspaper, watch on television.....but STILL you might not like them because they are political and poke fun of governments and nationalities, so be warned!!! But they are all JOKES

1. How many gears in a French tank?

Six, five reverse and one forward in case they are attacked from behind.

2. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands

up?

The French Army.

3. How do you stop a French tank?

Shoot the guy pushing.

4. How did the French advertise surplus World War II

rifles?

"Never fired, only dropped once."

5. Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?

To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

6. Why does the new French Navy use glass-bottomed

boats?

So they can see the old French Navy.

[Davidu]

LOL, you do love the French, don't you? ;D

[emprworm]

haha, those jokes were funny man. my brother emailed them to me the other night, i was laughing so hard.

[Edric O]

A Mexican, a Brit and an American just escaped from a sinking ship in a lifeboat with their belongings. But the boat is too heavy and begins to sink. They decide that each of them has to throw something overboard.

First is the Mexican. He throws his collection of sombreros overboard. He says: "We have plenty of those in my country!"

Next is the Brit. He throws his collection of teapots overboard, saying: "We have plenty of those in my country!"

The American thinks for a while, then pushes the Mexican overboard.

"We have plenty of those in my country!"

[slaphapy]

haha, those jokes were funny man. my brother emailed them to me the other night, i was laughing so hard.

LOL, there is a kid in my Astronomy class who is from France and he is a good sport...every day he tells "French jokes" much like the ones you posted

here are some more:

why do french people smell?

so that even the blind can hate them.

why did the french plant trees along the streets?

so that the Germans could march in the shade.

and some more:

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?

How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?

A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?

Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Why is good to be french? You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.

How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris? Nobody knows, its never been tried before

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

[Davidu]

HEAVEN is the place where the comedians are Irish, the pop singers are English, the Germans build the roads, the Italians cook the food, and the belgians brew the beer.

HELL is the place where the comedians are German, the pop singers are Belgian, the Italians build the roads, the English cook the food and everyone has to speak Irish.

//---

What I have learnt from the movies

1. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

2. Should you be heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight - don't worry! You enemies will wait patiently to attack one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

3. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

4. Rather than waste bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated machinery cantainig fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to tlk them down.

6. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweet heart back home.

7. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

8. A detective can only solve a case once he has benn suspended from duty.

9. Police chiefs deliberately assign all officers a partener who is their total opposite.

10. When they are alone, military officers of any nationality prefer to speak to each other in English.

11. When trying to defuse a bomb, you defuse it in the last second.

12. The hero ALWAYS gets the girl.

13. The hero is ALWAYS a former member of a special force of some sort.

14. The weapons always make flames when firing.

15. When firing, the hero hits all enemies, while the enemies seem to be blind.

[Gobalopper]

[Mahdi]

A Mexican, a Brit and an American just escaped from a sinking ship in a lifeboat with their belongings. But the boat is too heavy and begins to sink. They decide that each of them has to throw something overboard.

First is the Mexican. He throws his collection of sombreros overboard. He says: "We have plenty of those in my country!"

Next is the Brit. He throws his collection of teapots overboard, saying: "We have plenty of those in my country!"

The American thinks for a while, then pushes the Mexican overboard.

"We have plenty of those in my country!"

Same joke in Canada except it's a Pakistanian, American, and Canadian, and instead of being in a boat tossing stuff over, they shot stuff in a bar.

[quoudam72]

Two Canadians walk into a bar third one ducks.

[emprworm]

"Same joke in Canada except it's a Pakistanian, American, and Canadian, and instead of being in a boat tossing stuff over, they shot stuff in a bar."

dang, i never knew that Canadians had too many Pakistanians! ;)

[DjCiD]

Two Canadians walk into a bar third one ducks.

Two guys walking into a bar... you think after the first one did the other would have ducked

just a lil twist ;D

[slaphapy]

hehe... bar jokes now

(sorry for all the anti-french jokes)

a frenchwoman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm...

the bartender says: "hey, you can't bring that pig in here, this is a bar."

the frenchwoman says: "It's not a pig, it's a duck"

bartender: "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck"

[Davidu]

Two drunk people walking on a railway.

- Man, this stairs have to end somewhere!

- If they're too long for you, then we'll take the elevator. Oh, good, here comes one!

[Vanguard3000]

Q: What's the similarity of american beer and making love on a beach?

A: They're both f*cking close to water.

----------------

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

[edit] Censoring.

[slaphapy]

lol vanguard those are funny

[Edric O]

Nice pics, Gob... so if you can post that Chirac-Hussein morphing, you don't really mind if I do the same for Bush and another dictator, do you? ;)

[Gobalopper]

Hehe hey I didn't make that a newspaper in the UK did. :)

[Dante]

It's not a newspaper it's a tabloid and anything they print or create is lower than garbage.

[slaphapy]

lol it's still funny ;D

[Dante]

lol it's still funny ;D

How would you like it if someone did that to you because you stood up for your beliefs? Give me a picture and I'll do it for you if you like.

Jokes are supposed to be funny. As in, 'makes you laugh.' That wasn't funny.

[slaphapy]

perhaps you are taking this a little too sereously

no offence.... but i thought it was kind of funny... i laughed :-

o well, just forget it you don't have to like it but that doesn't mean others can't like it