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Davidu

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alexholker

alexholker

Posted
Posted

How To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."

Alex

  • 2 weeks later...
Mahdi

Mahdi

Posted
Posted

20 ways to get kicked out of a rotk showing

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.

4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."

5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts

7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians

10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.

12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

14. Ask people around you who they think is the next Terminator sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins

15. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused

Gobalopper

Gobalopper

Posted
Posted

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk round to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Edric O

Edric O

Posted
Posted

The people of China, through the voice of their glorious government officials who need not be elected because we all know that everybody loves them, have decided that their old national flag no longer represents their goals and aspirations for the future. As China enters the 21st century, a new flag is needed to symbolize the country's new path:

mcchina.gif

ordos45

ordos45

Posted
Posted

I see McChina Inc has followed Sun Tzu's advice

The general who is skilled in defense hides in the

most secret recesses of the earth; he who is skilled in attack flashes forth from the topmost heights of heaven. Thus on the one hand we have ability to protect ourselves; on the other, a victory that is complete.

McD's launched forward and became completely victorious over China! ;D

Wolf

Wolf

Posted
Posted

Number two, no cheese, with a large fries and a diet coke.

-the new national anthem

On a side note, this isn't really a joke, but it's funny. Doesn't anyone find it odd how America is the country that invented the concept of ordering a Big Mac, a ton of fries, and to be healthy, a diet coke?

Wolf

Wolf

Posted
Posted

Look at the spine of the Dummies book on the Bush picture. It has a metal pin in the top-center, identifying it as a three-ring binder before it had been edited.

ordos45

ordos45

Posted
Posted

Given the holiday season, and the wonderful raise of the terror alert. I wrote a small joke article. (P is the first letter of my real life first name.)

Washington-(PNN). On December the 23rd, anti aircraft missiles were hastily unpacked in the nations capital. While ostensibly concerned about national security, PNN has noted quite an increase in pace.

"We are concerned," said Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge," Of the possibility of suicide sleighs hitting government buildings."

Many Americans interviewed shortly after this statement commented it was ridiculous. However, Ridge explained further," We know Santa has been an operative of Al Quaeda for years now, and was providing them crucial intelligence in relation to the 9/11 attacks. Sheik Claus though, appears to be in failing health. This means he will undoubtedly prefer to go out a martyr so that he may enter Heaven and recieve his seventy virgins."

PNN was shocked to learn that one of Santa's reindeer, Blitzen, was captured on a test flight earlier today, and nearly detonated himself and the hundreds of pounds of anthrax laced explosives strapped to his body. Secretary Ridge gave the following comment," Blitzen's attempted blitzkrieg into the Capitol was foiled by our diligent armed forces. This is a great victory in the War on Holiday Terror."

Finally, it was asked of the Secretary if he would be making sure Santa's sleigh of martyrdom would be stopped tommorow evening. His reply," Ladies and gentlemen of the Press...the United States of America will never bow in fear to the terrorists of the North Pole. We will use all armed forces at our disposal to make sure Santa is shot down and tried for his crimes against humanity, and his transport of Weapons of Mass Destruction."

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