Joke

[Megashrap]

Nah, more like 6. I have used my foot at many o restrooms for flushing, turning water on, starting the air dryers. Some are that damn bad. No hands!

[Megashrap]

NATIONAL TRANSPORTATION SAFETY BOARD

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured. This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH S**T!"

Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Florida, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my damn beer and watch this s**t."

[Ice_Cube]

Funny story if you are technically minded about a "1337 haXor".....

[edit] Link now dead :(  http://www.totalillusions.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=321.dk [/edit]

[erjin999]

Error: Go away...

That link you gave isnt very friendly... :(

[Ice_Cube]

Weird, was working at time of posting  :-

Nevermind

[Megashrap]

BATHROOM BREAK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[jeff2429]

NATIONAL TRANSPORTATION SAFETY BOARD

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured. This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH S**T!"

Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Florida, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my damn beer and watch this s**t."

Hehe  :D man where do you keep getting these from.

[Megashrap]

SAYING MORE WITH LESS

Pythagorean theorem:

24 words

The Lord's Prayer:

66 words.

Archimedes' Principle:

67 words.

The 10 Commandments:

179 words.

Lincoln's Gettysburg address:

286 words.

The U.S. Declaration of Independence:

1,300 words.

The U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:

26,911 words.

[Megashrap]

FALWELL AND CLINTON

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice......"

[Tako]

lol funny all the lot

[erjin999]

Clinton one was good. Keep it up scar. Wish I could be bothered to go back through those jokes Ive got and copy them here, but its just too much hard work.  :'(

[Dante]

Eh, there hasn't been a really funny joke since the CIA recruitment one a few pages back; though some of the elevator ones were good...

Not especially funny, nor a joke as such, but it was hilarious at the time.

A few weeks ago, I went to visit Dragoon in Edinburgh. I took the train back with another friend. We were just passing a junkyard of sorts that was next to the firth (that's a large body of water, for those of you who don't know). Anyway, I happened to glance out of the window and remarked, "Oh look, an eyesore." My friend then looked out of the window to see what I meant, caught a reflection of sunlight from the water and cringed immediately back into his seat going "Ow." So without the description, the conversation was:

"Oh look, an eyesore."

"Ow."

Which we thought was funny...

US government: *eyes Iran* Say, you are not hiding any weapons there, are you? We have to make SURE...

North Korea govt: HEY! *I* have nukes! *I* am making MORE nukes! And I wanna kick your ass! Wanna see? Wanna see?

US government: Shut up, you! So, where were we? Oh yeah, Iran...

Somehow I keep hearing this dialogue with the voices of Zim and Gir...

-Maritza Campos, webcomic: College Roomies from Hell.

[Megashrap]

The Definitive Guide to the Internet

Recently I've noticed that there are quite a few people who still aren't familiar with all of the common terms and acronyms associated with the internet. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I've decided to help define these terms and acronyms so our new internet friends can feel comfortable using them.

Definitions:

Active X - This phrase is used to distinguish web sites with adult or pornographic content (hence the "X").

AGP - Aroma Gust Protocal. A code used to let other internet users know you've detected a fart.

AI - The gramatically incorrect way of saying "an eye."

ANSI - Children that can't sit still or fidget too much are considered antsy (ANSI is the common internet way of saying this). When you grow impatient with something, tell people you're feeling ANSI (this will make you sound intelligent).

ASCII - Pronounced "Ass Key." This is a term used in most gay and bisexual news groups to let someone know you're interested in them. All ass pirates use an ASCII as their method of exploiting ass. (No relation to real pirates.)

API - This is a short way of saying "a pie." It would be correct usage to say "My friend baked me API."

Bandwidth - This is what the internet had before it became a popular means of distributing pornography.

Basic - A useless programming language designed to frustrate and confuse users (See COBOL for more on useless programming languages).

Binary - This is what real programmers write their code in.

BIOS - BI-sexual Operating System. A politically correct operating system pre-installed on Macintosh systems.

Beta Version - The final state of a program published by Microsoft.

Browser - A program used by people who are intimidated by looking at raw HTML code. (See "Cowards" for more on people that are intimidated by raw HTML code)

Cache - Potentially incriminating evidence... ahem.

CD-ROM - An object that costs approximately 3 cents to make that the music industry uses to cheat hard working people out of $15 dollars with.

CGI - Computer Glossary Index. Anyone that wants to sound intelligent in a computer conversation needs to mention that own a CGI.

COBOL - A programming language with broken, ugly code and ass-backwards syntax.

Compiler - A program designed to tell you how wrong you are. It's a great way to induce stress and frustration.

Compression - The communistic model of government. Or was that suppression?

Cowards - People that are afraid to use vi, pico, or any other unix-based text editor to develop web pages.

Cursor - Pronounced "Curse-OR." The name of a robot from a popular 1950's B movie about a robot that cusses like a sailor.

Database - This is something the IRS uses to check up on honest, hard-working citizens to give them a hard time.

Direct X - Direct access to a site with pornographic or adult content.

DOS - A bastardized copy of the operating system CP/M.

DNS - Destroyed Node Sequence. This is a fatal error caused by a virus on the internet. If you try going to a web site and it says something to the effect of "This site has no DNS entry," promptly turn off your computer and never use it again. Call technical support for advice on how to fix this problem.

Edutainment - Software that is written with the intent to educate and entertain. So far, all work done in this field is theoretical, as entertaining educational software is impossible to make.

FAQ - Fat Ass Quotient. The daily limit of how much time you spend on the internet multiplied by how much candy you eat while you sit around.

Flame - New users are encouraged to ask for Flames. They're messages from people who want to tell you how much they appreciate your existence.

FTP - Free TelePhones. Click on every site that says "FTP" to increase your chances of winning a free telephone.

GIF - A once popular image format, now primarily used for pornograhy banners.

GUI - Gross User Interface (See Windows 95/98).

Hacker - Anyone that uses America Online is a hacker. Hackers often speak entirely with their CAPS LOCK KEY on, so other hackers know who to pick out.

Hex Editors - Programs that let you play around with stuff you shouldn't.

Hub - It's short, reverse polish notation for the phrase "Uber Haxor" (UbH). Most America Online users are Uber Haxors.

ICQ - A program that helps people spend countless hours talking to strangers about Star Trek and other geeky topics.

Internet - A once useful method of exchanging information about math, science and academic research. It's now overrun by wankers, cocky 14 year old dweebs and home pages for people's pets.

IMHO - Integrated Modular Hypermedia Object. Anyone that knows anything about computers uses this phrase a lot. You should use it often too.

IRC - Precursor to ICQ. You know all those cool people who have lives and go out on the weekends? The people who don't go out on weekends hang out on IRC.

InterNIC - A group of people who control the universe.

ISDN - ISDN is needed for people who are impatient or ANSI (mainly people who want to look at porn faster).

ISP - Institute of Stupid People. This is what people are talking about when they say they're affiliated with an ISP.

Java - This word has no real significance other than it sounds really annoying when said fast and repeatedly.

Kernel - The internet way of referring to Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

LAN - Lame Ass Network. Most schools, businesses and libraries use a LAN to connect computers together locally.

Legacy Systems - Worthless computers that break down often and cost a company millions of dollars to maintain.

LOL - Lame Obnoxious Loser. If you say something and someone types LOL, it means they think you're a lame ass and they don't like you.

Megahertz - This is what you say when you're wounded or sick. Proper usage would be "My arm megahertz."

Millenium Bug - This is a virus the media has contracted to annoy everyone until the year 2000 has passed, at which time we can all go on with our lives and forget about this bullshit.

Microsoft - Commonly known as the "evil empire," and "world domination, inc." Maker of software caked with bugs. Violently against innovation of any kind.

NNTP - National Nerd Transaction Process. The act of buying Star Trek or Babylon 5 memorabilia.

NYSPOS - No, You Stupid Piece Of S**t.

OOP - Followed by an "s," or "oops," it's the worst thing you can hear from a system administrator.

Ping - The sequel to the popular game "Pong."

PCI - Poor Concept Innovation (See Microsoft).

PPP - Porn Porn Porn! A wanker's paradise.

Quake - If someone challenges you to quake, always accept the challenge and talk as much trash about them as you can. If you happen to win, gloat. If not, quit the game prematurely and be a bad sport about it.

Routers - The magic gnomes that transfer all queries on the internet.

Shareware - Neutered software.

Syntax - Some random rules you have to follow while programming to make your life more difficult.

Surf - All internet savvy people use the phrase "I surf the web" all the time. You should too.

Teleconference - A fancy way of saying "I'm using the phone." Executives love saying this word because they think they sound intelligent at meetings when they do.

Unix - Unix or Uniks are people who have their eye brows grown together so it appears as one.

Usenet - It's how people in Alabama say they're "using 'it'."

Virus - See Windows 95/98.

VGA - Very Gaseous Ass. Someone who farts a lot.

Windows NT - Microsoft's "about-damn-time" solution to Unix's 20 year head start. Popular with people who don't know unix well enough to rely on it entirely.

Windows 95/98 - An operating system riddeled with bugs and ineffective utilities.

Web Master - A web designer with an ego.

XModem - A modem only used for downloading porn.

Y2K - Overhyped bullshit.

Zoom Modems - Modems that are horribly slow and impossible to configure.

That's all I have for now. If you'd like to add anything to the list, mail it to maddox@xmission.com. Proper credit will be given.

[Megashrap]

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=uscc_part1

The last 2 about had me in tears.

[Megashrap]

FLAT TIRE

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.

They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. 'Cool,' they thought. 'This is going to be easy.' They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.

It said:  Which tire?? (worth 95 Points).

[Megashrap]

THE TEST

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The

second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples."

[Megashrap]

A HUNTERS JOURNAL

1:00 am Alarm clock rings

2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed

2:30 am Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up

3:00 am Leave for the deep woods

3:15 am Back home to pick up gun

3:30 am Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent

4:00 am Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight

4:30 am Set up camp

6:05 am Head for the woods

6:06 am See eight deer

6:07 am Take aim and squeeze the trigger

6:08 am CLICK

8:00 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill

9:00 am Head back to camp

12:00 NOON Fire gun for help--eat wild berries

12:15 pm Run out of bullets--eight deer come back

12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach

12:30 pm Realize you ate poison berries

12:45 pm Rescued

12:55 pm Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped

3:00 pm Arrive back at camp

3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer

4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets

4:01 pm Load gun--Leave camp again

5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you

6:00 pm Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp

6:01 pm Load gun

6:02 pm Fire gun

6:03 pm One dead pick-up

6:05 pm Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer

6:06 pm Repress desire to shoot hunting partner

6:07 pm Fall into fire

6:10 pm Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire

6:15 pm Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp

6:25 pm Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block

6:26 pm Start walking

6:30 pm Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud

6:35 pm Meet bear

6:36 pm Take aim

6:37 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud

6:38 pm Mess pants

6:39 pm Climb tree

9:00 pm Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree

Midnight Home at last

Now I liked that one but I thought I would try one of my own of how my very first squirrel hunting trip went when Years ago..

4:00 am  Get up

4:20 am  Sneak in Dads room to steal all his army supplies MRE's anything made of camoflauge and all his cool camo makeup for your face.

5:00 am  Buddy picks you up

5:20 am  Stop at convienience store so everyone there getting coffee and gas can see your ultra badass camo atire.

5:30 am  At the woods

5:31 am  You suddenly realize you forgot your can of OFF Spray as a cloud of insects hit you in the face like the plaque.

5:35 am  Back to the store to purchase anything that kills bugs, being that it is a 7-11 store you end up with a can of Raid.

6:OO am  Back to woods

6:05 am  Try to tell your buddy where you will be located at by looking at your compass to try to pass off sounding like a Black-Ops Re-Con.Specialist.

6:30 am  As you approach what you think to be a nice area for squirrels, you look down and spot an 8 inch long garden snake.

6:32 am  Garden snake quickly meets about 5 or more rounds of 12 guage pump-action fury.

7:00 am  Buddy finally comes to see what all the fuss is about.

7:01 am  Tell buddy you boldly shot an 8 foot long rattle snake that came within an inch of striking you, but it took off.

7:05 am  Getting bored cause no squirrels have been seen.

7:10 am  Noise in the tree above, Finally.

7:11 am  What is thought to be a squirrel is actually the landing of a large BLue-Jay.

7:12 am  The total obliteration of a innocent pine tree begins. Followed by a never ending hail-storm of tree bark.

8:00 am  Since no squirrels have been seen, it suddenly becomes a target practice free-for-all on any object in a 300 square ft radius due to boredom.

8:10 am  Out of shells

9:00 am  See 10 Squirrels on the way back to car. And Since it's in season you attempt to mow down any that are nearby with car on the way home.

9:15 am  Enter house smelling like an Exterminator from spraying an entire can of Raid on.

12:00 Noon  Finally get all the black and green greese paint off your face, and after scrubbing at it for 3 hours leaves your face red.

12:05 Have a day long discussion with buddy how those pine-cones, tree limbs, bark, mud, coke cans, lizards, ants and other poor unfortunate things were

Pwned by your awsome 12 guage mastery.

 

[jeff2429]

Last 5 post, made by scar. CALM DOWN! 

THE TEST

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The

second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples."

Thats a good one. :D

[Megashrap]

[slaphapy]

[slaphapy]

http://engrish.com/image/engrish/carefully-fall.jpg

http://engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=place-gently.jpg&category=Clothing&date=2003-11-05

[Megashrap]

A VERY DEEP HOLE

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening.

They listened....and heard nothing.

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened....and still heard nothing.

Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole.

Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here.

The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

[alchemi2]

a personal favourite of mine

[Mahdi]

http://www.justwide.com/files/SamJackson-CoachJules.wmv

So funny....

[alchemi2]

Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.

The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.

Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.

Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"