Joke

[erjin999]

Ok here goes....

Btw, no flame intended, just good fun  ;)

You is a photospecialist type person scarman. You are lethal with a pixle, and I think you know it.

[Super-ness]

Khan is tehSuck.

[Kiyouta]

*Calls on mods to do the right thing*

Come on guys, this is a JOKES thread, its supposed to be a happy thread, not full of ego-driven flames. Instead of just quoting tens of Maddox's pictures why don't you just post the link to the site? I personally think the writing that goes with the pictures is funnier.

So here it is:

http://maddox.xmission.com/

And Scar5150, there was no need for your MS Paint images. If thats not a beginning of a flame I don't know what is...

[Megashrap]

Lighten up a little Mr. Buzzkill, they are only jokes.

[Andrew]

http://www.ggg-gmail.com/

Much better than gmail. :)

[Megashrap]

Lol, I like the login.

[Megashrap]

Saturday morning ...

Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.

'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.

After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'

'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'

'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.

'Okay, Daddy'.

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '

And what happened?'

'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.

'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.

There is a long pause, then Bob says ...........'Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!!

[Khan]

Ok here goes....

Btw, no flame intended, just good fun ;)

Lol I like the one at the compy, the baseball cap was a nice touch. ;)

See you're way funnier than the things you copy :P

[GhostHunter]

beser> Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.

beser> Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other. One door has a sign hanging over it saying "Those with prejudice walk through this door" The other door's sign said "Those without prejudice walk through this door". Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn't openable because as the tour guide says "Everyone has prejudice".

beser> So, I start tugging on the door and say "What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?" and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes

;D

[Megashrap]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again either!"

[Khan]

LOL that is a good one

[Kiyouta]

This one courtesy of Dave Chappelle:

"Hey that Kelly Osbourne, her song 'Papa Don't Preach', I kinda like it.

But I got a better song for her; its called 'Daughter Don't Sing.'"

;D

[Khan]

Hehe, the rick james thing was funnier though.

[Megashrap]

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?

[hide] Strapadictomy. [/hide]

[Megashrap]

THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF EUROPE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

[GhostHunter]

LMAO.

[Megashrap]

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them

on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,

and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the

wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they

know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After

a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day

been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then

scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8 ) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,

ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to

play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask

them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency

procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,

don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and

muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut the hell up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering

inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the

wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in

horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other

passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

24)Enter with a briefcase with a cooking timer inside ticking while clutching it tightly, then make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, wide eyed and grinning while slowly nodding yes at another passenger for a while, then

announce loudly, "I have 2 socks!". or "I like bacon!" or "My cat died!".

26) After sneezing using a tissue and telling the others your very sorry, fire a snot-rocket into the floor and say, "score".

[Megashrap]

HUNTING FOR GATORS 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

[Tako]

a woman goes to the supermarket and buys

* 1 liter milk

* 1 box of eggs

* 1 liter fruit-juice

* 1 ounce of Ham

* 1 pack of coffee

she puts it all on the counter and behind het is a drunken man, he glances at the things she is buying and says to the woman

"you are single"

the woman is agitated and looks at her grocery's but sees nothing out of the ordenary

a bit angry about the remark of the drunken man (who is right by the way) she turns at him.

curious as women can be she makes a disicion

"ok you are right but how can you tell?" she akes the drunk

he replies "you are ugly as the back end of a horse"

[Megashrap]

FIVE STAGES OF A HANGOVER

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a

steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke

--- yet you haven't pee'd once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of

alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.

[Andrew]

he replies "you are ugly as the back end of a horse"

I actually LOL for that :)

Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Almost spit my food out for that one. So true. Guys can stink a place up in a matter of minutes. Especially on road trips.

[Dragoon Knight]

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

:D Bwah ha ha haaaaa... I really should be breathing right now, but laughter prevents it. ;D

[Megashrap]

TYPES OF MEN IN THE WASHROOM

[hide]1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8 ) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough -- Bangs d**k on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch d**k like baseball bat.[/hide]

[Andrew]

14) Tough -- Bangs d**k on side of urinal to dry.

That made me go eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww. Very dirty.

[jeff2429]

:D Can't stop laughting at those.:D

So scar, I hear your favorite is #3.