Funny quotes#2

[d3m0nger]

Woot WOOT

I like my coffee like I like my women: $2.50

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genjer: so my sister asks me if this shirt makes her look fat

genjer: and I was like, "no the fat underneath does"

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<GigaVirus> I've never had a firewall and never been hacked :/.

<GigaVirus> .

<GigaVirus> That was dumb to say.

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<CheeseSteakJim> i like porn because it doesnt laugh at my penis

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<discore> hey kali say 'clue'

<kalihasno> clue

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<@Goshin> thereslike

<@Goshin> halfacookieunderneathmyspacebar

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cows would live a lot longer if they werent made out of steaks and leather

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<freakar> In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man likes to snicker and yell "Polo!"

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<Lord-Data> "your dog can be smarter!" ... god .. spam is reaching for ideas me thinks

[leo]

LOL liked the most the 1st two. :D

[d3m0nger]

I used to date a blind girl. Her name was ::... ..:.: .:::. .::.. ....: .:.::

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<threeve> woohoo moms password is still same as last month

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<nikoJ> Terron, what would you do without the internet?

<Terron> I don't understand the question

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<Amit> I was going to commit seppuku but I accidentally commited bukakke

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<Myren> someone ping flood this bastard please: 127.0.0.1

<darthv> ok

*** darthv has quit IRC (Ping timeout)

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<navs> i give up

<wolf> navs: isn't that the translation of the french national anthem?

<navs> hahaha

<boobie> hahaha

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<dsbnh|VC> saw chocolate boxer shorts yesterday

<dsbnh|VC> first thing that hit me was "may contain nuts"

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<omgwtf> did you guys hear about that actress who got stabbed

<omgwtf> reese

<omgwtf> reese something

<Boon> witherspoon?

<omgwtf> no with a knife

<omgwtf> HAHA!

[bryorama]

I like the third one with the first set. Makes me laugh. Poor sucker.

[nampigai]

not a quote but rather funny:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/girlsinging.html

[Jack Leaf]

<Kaini> Jani must feel terrible home cause the net is working :O

<Drayst> I guess he feels same like wanking without imagination

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<Keruo> my friend told me a funny thing, he was in some new pc-presentation

<Keruo> well they had a new project, small watertight box and other neat stuff. they wanted to show how good it was and drowned it

<Keruo> then my friend asked what will happen if the man writes "eject"

<Keruo> *blob*

<[Mika]> HAHA =DD

<[Mika]> The cd-player wasnt watertight? ;D

<Keruo> the presentation ended shortly

[d3m0nger]

not a quote but rather funny:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/girlsinging.html

After the fifth time that movie repeated itself I started to laugh really hard.  :D

[d3m0nger]

<@David> Yay I get laid today! Been a month.... needing it by now

<@Sony> ...........

<@Sony> TMI TMI TMI

<@David> Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing

<Malpine> Thanks for the info

<@David> eh?

<@David> damn i meant PAID

<@David> I get PAID today

<@David> dammit

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<SPLURGE> bitch tells me i got a drinkin problem

<SPLURGE> i tell her she has an ugly problem and im tryin to make it less obvious

<SPLURGE> we dont get along so well after that

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Strategy: what the fuck

Strategy: shipping cannot be 27$

Alpha: it better come in a wooden crate with a midget cradling the harddrive for that price

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<reo4k> just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc

* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)

* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)

* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)

* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)

* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)

<ibaN`reo4k[ex]> that's gotta hurt

<r`heaven> :(

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<headlessj> i dl winrar, and it came in a .rar file

[slaphapy]

lol these are funny... where do u find all this stuff... you cant just be saving the stuff you see every once in a while... i like the first one in the last post, classic type error... lol...

"Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing" that can mean so many things... at least to Americans...

[d3m0nger]

I got most of them from www.bash.org

and some other classics can be found on www.warbucket.com

Have fun :D

[slaphapy]

LOL these are awesome... i like these (seen a few before but not as funny as these) POTENTIALLY UPSETTING LANGUAGE:

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok

<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof

<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

<melusine > O_______O

<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

______________________

classic timing example:

<anamexis> oh man

<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right

--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind

<anamexis> and it exploded

<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard

<anamexis> but I got it away just in time

<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)

<anamexis> :<

[d3m0nger]

I can't even count the hours I spent reading those quotes, I probabley know them all :P

I suppose you will reach that rank any time soon

[Jack Leaf]

I am not sure if I can find that amazing quote of "bad timing", because Bash.org does not have search function, but let's try...

EDIT: No wait, it has.

[Jack Leaf]

Hmm, I forgot to post it.  :P

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me

GarbageStan23: why?

Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!

GarbageStan23: oh shit!

Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever

Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

[d3m0nger]

LoL that's nasty

[desert_storm]

LOL!!! I CANT STOP!!!!  TOOOOOOOO FUNNY

[d3m0nger]

* TheHedge has quit IRC (hub.dk hub.il)

* PoPe-PoPe has quit IRC (hub.dk hub.il)

<Willlow> PALESTINIANS TOOK OUT TEH JEW INTERNET

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calin> we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator

<ecoli> ew.

<ecoli> wait, you "caught" him?

<ecoli> like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store?

<Aero> he doesnt answer

*** Quits: calin (No route to host)

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<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler

<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown

<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown

<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews

<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

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<LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder

<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed

<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"

<LordChewy> "i know dad"

<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"

<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "C:Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"

<LordChewy> and he just shut up

<kingKahn> what is it?

<LordChewy> its his porn folder

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<Fenris> My mom found me perusing bash.org and looking up quotes about incest, and was like OMG!

<Fenris> Now she actually goes there regularly to make sure there aren't any new text words that have been searched for

<Fenris> I saw her looking at the site yesterday, and was like, "WTF??"

<Fenris> And she said she was just checking to see what kind of stuff I look at online.

<Fenris> I swear, someday I'm just going to rape that bitch.

<ctone> ...

<ctone> now theres a quote for bash.org

<Fenris> Don't you fucking dare.

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<DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

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<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today

<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor

<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

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(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?

(alec_eso): 1, morganj

(morganj): bastard.

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Charlesowns> Man i was surfin porn and like "normal" surfin at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hell  tab down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5 submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy loud goin "i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot sperm" then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore fetish gayporn.

<Charlesowns> man my mom started crying and now she thinks im gay... it owns

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<skrike> I think the people above me are having sex

<skrike> either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.

[Alexander_Ordos]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D *Falls from chair*  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[leo]

OMG these are excellent LOL.

[Dunenewt]

lol the bishop one is the best.

[alchemi2]

Damn im now addicted to the site  ;D

anyone we know 

ApoIIyon is now in the look for perl camel shirts

<top_dawg> thinkgeek!

<ApoIIyon> thinkgeek == think$$

;) :P

[Apollyon]

*Gasp*

;)

[d3m0nger]

<kylev> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

<kylev> hahahahaha

<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor

<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"

<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about

<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism

<`Neo> bahahahaha

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<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it

<spitfire> haha mendo

<spitfire> take a screen shot

<spitfire> wait

<spitfire> that made no sense

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<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit

<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die

<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"

<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?

<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

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<Fashykekes> Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

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<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm

<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then

<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass

<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat

<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

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<FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.

<FM{FF1}> ...men.

<FM{FF1}> GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

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<reuben> somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away

<reuben> i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob

<cristobal> why don't you put ice on the stairs

<cristobal> and heat up the door knob

<cristobal> and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer

<cristobal> then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....

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<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.

<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough. :(

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<factorial_nine> "Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."

<factorial_nine> GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

[Jack Leaf]

Old, old, old... but funny stuff anyway. >:)

[Mahdi]

Most of those were in the first funny quotes thread.  One is an old, old joke some jerk is tryign to claim as his own (the sperm one), and one I found really funny, the australia one.