Advice please.. boy issues.

[Chani]

Riight, so there's this boy (or man if you like.. we're both 22) and I've liked him for ages.

I met him a few years back and I was still with someone at that time and he was with his girlfriend then too. So I never mentioned it or anything, just harboured a secret crush for 2 years.

And we get on better than any other 2 people I know, we have so much in common and we just think the same... like.. our minds are of the same stuff.

And me and my boyfriend broke up about 7 months ago and about a month ago he and his girlfriend broke up too.

Since then he has been pretty much out making the most of his new single status, and he has been telling me about how he likes one of the girls he has recently pulled quite a bit and might consider starting a relationship with her.

BUT.

I went to stay with him last week so we could go see a band, and there was another girl there who he took a shine to, and they were having a good ol' flirt all night.. much to my despair.

I should just say here, he isnt normally a promiscuous kind of guy, he's very kind and respectful. He isn't a bad bloke at all.

Anyway, we share a bed cos it's easier, but not for any.. you know.. rudeness. We sleep in sleepwear and everything.

But, in the morning, and I still can't quite figure out how it came about, we ended up kissing. A lot.

And now he's gone away for a month, and I don't know what on earth to think. He said he didn't know I liked him liked that and he said some very ncie things, and it is very out of character for him to say something and not mean, espcially nice things like that, but promiscuity is also out of character for him anyway. I think he likes me, like how I like him, but I don't know if he is thinking it was just one of those things and probably wont happen again, or even that it might happen again but it didnt mean anything to him. Which is bad because it means something to me.

And i'm willing to let it go if I have to because I seriously value his friendship. But sometimes friendship is the best basis for more. And I really do like him. And I can't get in touch for a month now cos he's away. Argh.

I don't know what advice I'm asking for now, but I feel a bit less stressed for typing it out! Any nuggets of advice would be gratefully received though since you are mostly boys and may be able see from his point of view a bit better than me!

Do I text him and hope he replies and doesn't think I am being too... much, making too much of it?

Do I leave it and risk him thinking I don't care?

What to do what to do?!

x

[nemafakei]

Consider there first: What would be the best possible outcome? Are you in any way sure that your feelings are to be permenant?

And "he isnt normally a promiscuous kind of guy, he's very kind and respectful" This surprises me, given your other statements (are you not perhaps looking through slightly rose-tinted glass?); even if he is good natured, is it that he has enough will that you may depend on him?

If you can, email him. You can fit a lot of data in that, unlike a text message. If he is a REALLY trusted friend, I suggest you tell him yor position, and hope he understands. Do not ask anything of him; just make him aware of what's going on in your head. Otherwise, remain friends, and hope that your emotion subsides.

But remember that you would most likely do better avoiding leaving yourself vulnerable, and creating a crutch for yourself in dependsncy on someone.

[Apollyon]

If he is as good a friend as you say, then go for it! Like Nema said, I wouldn't reccomend a txt message as they can seem very impersonal in my opinion. Don't pour your heart out so to speak, just inform him roughly how you feel.

Good luck. :)

[exatreide]

i say go for it if you dont do it and he ends up marrying someone else you will regret not going for the chance when you had it.

[Anathema]

If I were you I'd thoroughly consider if you want to develop a long term or perhaps permanent relationship with this guy, otherwise I don't think you should risk your friendship.

[Terror]

well, if you were kissing each other, i don't think that he has any other intentions than to stay with you, unless he's an asshole. I'd say, grab your chance, it's now or never

[SpiceGuid]

In my opinion you pay the price for not being explicit enough.

May be you should be more possessive.

May be he is indifferent because you are too reserved.

He will not engage unless you clearly engage yourself.

Boys also want to be choosen, show him he's yours and he will forget others. The more you wait the more he is convinced nothing has happened. Acting more explicitly would place you both in a more confortable position. Don't force his decision but force him to take a decision.

Don't send text or email in my opinion, boys think written passion is childish and cold. If you have no other mean then use phone rather than (e)mail. At least phone is vocal contact, text is no contact. Contact is an advantage because it's courageous, text is cowardice.

You seem to know him well, if you have hints that he's not loyal and faithful to girlfriends then friendship is best, he wouldn't be different with you whatever good friends you are.

[Navaros]

Since then he has been pretty much out making the most of his new single status, and he has been telling me about how he likes one of the girls he has recently pulled quite a bit

Does "pulled" mean "banged"? Not sure what you're trying to say there. If pulled does mean banged, and then you're kissing this guy: ewwww! Although if he said he's "making the most out of being single", the only meaning that phrase really has is: having fun banging as many girls as possible.

If you want to apply the NAV REALISTIC PROMISCUITY TEST

[SpiceGuid]

I agree with NAV, a boy has to be patient and considerate, whatever you love him, beeing a loose girl would be far from a good idea.

[gryphon]

I wouldn't suggest an SMS or email message. A written letter could although as you are good friends I would talk about it to him in persone. You are good friends so in the worst case he is flatterd and you probably stay friends. You have certanty at that point. The best case ofcourse you know the answer to. .. .

[ looks at Ex, think he has taken it pretty good sofar. . . . what about your crush for him ? :-X ]

[exatreide]

yea ???

[thomas]

I agree with NAV, a boy has to be patient and considerate, whatever you love him, beeing a loose girl would be far from a good idea.

LOL LOL ROTFLMAO!!!! ok. . .er neverming

but yea thats not good, I agree with spice guild and nav

[Davidu]

Have patience. Mail him, let him know what you think/feel. Then wait. But don't flood him with messages. That's annoying. Anything else... good luck, take your time, you've still got a lot of time ahead.

[Chani]

thankyou guys, for your help.. i appreciate it a lot.

i have taken it all on board and am thinking. i dont know what the hell to do still... my stomach feels like it has a thousand butterflies in it, and they are working hard at tying knots in it too.

i'm going insane.. thats the only explanation.

[Apollyon]

Welcome to the club! :D

[gryphon]

my God, he's in love to .... .;)

Have you guy's tried pesticide for those butterflies ?

Eating Chili could do it to .. ..

No, serious. Think that if you are in love you shoudn't wait. It's not going to last forever [ or atleast untill the pesticide isn't fully working ] so enjoy it while it last. Go for it, there isn't mich you can loose as you are together with that persone. Just go for it, else you might regret it in the future that you didn't try.. .

[SurlyPIG]

i have taken it all on board and am thinking. i dont know what the hell to do still... my stomach feels like it has a thousand butterflies in it, and they are working hard at tying knots in it too.

i'm going insane.. thats the only explanation.

No you're not, this is just what we do best. ;)

You mentioned that he said a lot of nice things about you but you weren't totally sure that he meant it...well, given that he's your friend, I would be highly surpised if he wasn't being honest with him. If he didn't know you very well I'd say he might have been trying to let you down easy, but true friends are honest with each other.

You just need to decide whether persuing a relationship with him outweighs the possibility of losing or diminishing your friendship with him.

If it's any consolation, he just broke up with his girl and this uncharacteristic behaviour of his regarding other girls is probably just him readjusting to life without his ex. If anything, he's more confused than you are. I would exercise caution in your timing of anything monumental you say to him, whatever your choice may be, because he's probably even more confused than you are.

Of course, the risk you run is that he might meet someone else and hit it off... :O But try not to think about that too much...

[Inoculator9]

Well, since he is currently incommunicado, I would say go ahead and email him.

I have a few thoughts on the issue:

1) since you started kissing after spending a night together, in the literal sense, it might seem to him like "it couldn't have been avoided" and along with that logic might come the feeling that it was not a meaningful event.

2) IMO, when you think you've found the person you love, go for it. Make every effort. Some might say that acting in this fashion reveals a certain desperation, but I disagree with this analysis. When something this important is at stake, you should not give consideration to something as unimportant, in comparison, as slightly bruised ego.

3) what is the reason for his month away?

[Chani]

innoculator:

1) you have a fair point, except that i have stayed there before and nothing has happened or felt like it should happen (except for my wanting it to, heh)so i dont think he would be thinking it should have.. if you get me.

2) i agree.. i think i'm gonna have to jump in feet first.

3) he's on tour with his band... so he's mostly living out of a van with no communication access for the rest of the world.

which is REALLY frustrating!

[Dante]

On the bright side, you've got a high chance of winning over this guy (or any others) given enough time. Must be the charming personality. ;)

Some of us only have a 1 in 7 chance... usually less. :(

[Inoculator9]

I understand... but, does that include sleeping in the same bed? I'm sorry if that seems prying, but I am really just trying to make that point.

[Chani]

yea we usually share a bed. just its usually innocent. i do a lot of travelling to see bands and stuff.. and most of my friends are in bands or to do with bands, so we think nothing of sharing a bed/ floor/ chair/ blanket/ wherever we can find to stay when going to gigs.

[King-Mega]

Hey Chani my stomach feels like a thousnad butterflies when I am near the girl I am in love with.

8)

[Davidu]

@gryphon: lol! did you try those pesticides yerself?

[nemafakei]

It seems you know this person more than well enough to make your own, well-founded, judgement, but, when you do, remember to do so impartially, and do not let your emotions decide. Take their viewpoint into account, but let your mind make the final decisions.