Computer stupidities. time for a laugh..

[Nyarlathotep]

Stories from Tech support (as some via e-mail are just a laugh and I worked as tech support guy for Dell):

* A girl walked into a computer center. She said she was having problems with her Mac. The guy asks what kind of Mac she had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."

* Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? Windows 95?"

Customer: (a little too excited) "95, 97, 98, I've got them all!"

After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1.

* Friend: "Hey, cool a Mac! Does it have Windows!?"

Guy: (incredulous stare)

Friend: "Oh, wait, that was stupid. All Macs have Windows."

* Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."

Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"

Tech Support: "Make sure all windows are closed."

Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."

* Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"

Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"

Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"

Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"

Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."

Tech Support: "And then what happens?"

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."

Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."

Tech Support: "And that is what?"

Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"

Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."

Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."

Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."

Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"

Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."

Comments from the Tech Supprt guy: Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.

* Tech Support: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."

Tech Support: "What program is it?"

Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."

Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"

Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

* Customer: "I have Windows Thirty One."

Tech Support: "Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?"

Customer: "No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two."

Tech Support: "Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95."

Customer: "What's Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?"

Tech Supprort: "You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this."

Customer: "I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON'T IT WORK?"

Tech Support: (giving up) "Ma'am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95."

Customer: "I've heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn't that be better than Ninety Five?"

* Read in a message board of a local BBS: "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

* A user trying to install new software: "I'm having a problem here. Do I put the serial number in the box that says 'serial number,' or do I put it in the box that says 'company'?"

* Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "When I change my font sizes, the letters change size."

* Tech Support: "No, sir...clicking on 'Remember Password' will NOT help you remember your password."

* Customer: "I just uploaded a file, but now it says I need to turn it off."

Tech Support: "If you sent us a file, that's uploading. If you got a file from us, that's downloading. Did you get a file from us?"

Customer: "Sorry, yes."

Tech Support: "No problem; it's easy to mix them up. When did the computer tell you to shut down or restart?"

Customer: "After I installed it."

Tech Support: "The file?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Which file did you download?"

Customer: "[program]"

Tech Support: "That's normal. You just need to restart before you can use the program."

Customer: "I was afraid of that. I can't afford to do that, so how to get rid of it?"

Tech Support: "Why is restarting a problem? Are you running another program?"

Customer: "I have lots of programs on there, and I don't want to erase them all."

Tech Support: "Have you been saving your work?"

Customer: "Yes, but I don't have a printer, and if I shut down won't I have to start over?"

Tech Support: "No, if you saved your work, when you restart, everything on your computer will still be there."

Customer: "Are you sure? That's not what happens on my calculator."

Tech Support: "I'm sure. I restart all the time."

Customer: "Thank you! This is such a relief. I had this thing a couple weeks now, and it keeps wanting to turn off."

Tech Support: "You don't need to do a shutdown, just a restart. Do you need some help restarting?"

Customer: "No, I'll just try this button."

* Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"

Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"

* Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive -- go to A: and type 'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place -- it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?"

* Tech Support: "Sir, are you familiar with computers?"

Customer: "Of course! I am the main tech at ACER Africa!!"

Tech Support: "Ok. Have you loaded the display drivers for Windows 95?"

Customer: "Where is it?"

Tech Support: "It's on one of the black disks which you've received with your PC."

Customer: "Oh! I see it. There's three of them. On one is written OS/2, the other is Windows 3.11, and the last one has Windows 95 written on it. Which one do I use?"

* Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."

Customer: (THUMP! Pause...) "No, that didn't help."

* A gentleman with a western accent called up saying that he was not satisfied with the service and wished to cancel. After telling him that he would need to call back during business hours and speak with customer service, tech asked if there was anything he could do to make the service more satisfactory.

Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months now, and still I can't get connected."

Tech Support: "Have you called us about this before?"

Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times."

Tech got his username and looked him up. Sure enough, there were two tech logs under his name, so techI read them briefly. Virtually everything that could be checked had been checked. Something about the way he was talking to the tech made the tech a little curious, so he continued to ask questions.

Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you doublecheck your settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?"

Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here."

Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?"

Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."

Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?"

Customer: "I ain't got no icons."

Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?"

Customer: "Nope."

Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"

Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop."

Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?"

Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee."

Tech Support: (pauses and takes a deep breath) "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your computer?"

Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's words."

Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'"

Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around."

Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?"

Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect."

Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"

Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected."

Tech Support: "Go--"

Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."

Tech Support: "It what?"

Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."

Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?"

Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all."

Tech Support: "Excuse me?"

Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more."

Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web page?"

Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens."

Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?"

Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean."

Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?"

Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get connected."

Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--"

Customer: (interrupting) "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect."

Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages on the Internet."

Customer: "I follow ya."

Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person."

Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?"

Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser."

Customer: "I do?"

Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?"

Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'."

Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after that, go ahead and call us back."

Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."

Customer never called back

There's a lot more, might post that later. Feel free to add some yourself :D

[VigilVirus]

ROFLMAO!

[rogue1896]

ROFL!

[Acriku]

Ah makes you feel smart :)

[Nyarlathotep]

Here, some more:

* Tech Support: "Sir, I need you to click once on your America Online icon."

Customer: "Ok..."

clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka

Customer: "Uh, 'invalid path'."

Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the icon ONE time for me?"

clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka

Customer: "Icon still says 'invalid path'."

Tech Support: "Could you PLEASE CLICK ONE TIME, and ONLY ONE TIME, on the America Online icon?"

Customer: "Uh, just one time?"

Tech Support: "YES."

Customer: "Ok."

* Customer: "I can't print anything!"

Tech Support: "Yes, the print server's down for maintenance. Didn't you read that email I sent?"

Customer: "No, I never got it."

Tech Support: "But I got the return receipt from you. You must have seen it: 'Server down at 4:00pm for maintenance'."

Customer: "Oh, that one. I didn't understand what you meant."

Tech Support: (sigh) "The tech is here trying to fix the SCSI controller. The server was downed so he could work on it."

Customer: "What? I don't understand. Why can't I print? I'm not a computer person! I really need to get these reports out."

Tech Support: "When the message said, 'Please print your jobs before 4:00pm tomorrow,' what didn't you understand?"

Customer: "Huh? What? I really need to print these reports out. It's important!"

Tech Support: "You can't right now. The server is turned off. Like I told you yesterday."

Repeat for another ten minutes.

* Story:

Me and a friend live in a small student hall of residence where we have gained a reputation for helping people sort out their computer problems. Last year a fresher electrical engineer upgraded his motherboard and CPU. He came down to dinner that evening and complained that his computer kept freezing up shortly after booting. We offered to take a look at it for him, but he insisted that he and his roommate could sort it out themselves. A week later the problem was still there, but his roommate had 'found out' that it was a problem with the sound card, so they were going to buy a new one the next day. I asked if I could just take a look at it before they bought it.

Me: "What's that noise?"

Him: "Oh, that's the CPU fan."

Me: "It shouldn't be vibrating like that."

Him: "It's fine."

Me: "No, it should be flush against the CPU and fixed firmly in place."

Him: "Don't worry. It's fine."

After much persuasion, I got him to remove the case.

Me: "The fan's being held on by an elastic band!?!?"

Him: "Yeah, the arm things snapped off when I was putting it back on."

Me: (as the rubber band starts to smolder): "Do you have ANY IDEA how hot a Pentium 4 gets??"

Him: "Look, the computer's frozen again. Can't wait to get that new sound card."

It turned out he had tried to fit the fan on upside down. The fact that the arms only bent the other way didn't deter him, even when they snapped off. Of course the problem was a simple case of the CPU overheating. Now every time I now see him holding a screwdriver with a look of purpose on his face I want to run screaming.

* Student: "Can I check my email here?"

Lab Attendant: "Did you sign up for a student account?"

Student: "Yes."

Lab Attendant: "Ok, just sit at one of the terminals and enter your login name and password."

Student: (blank look) "Login name? What's that?"

Lab Attendant: "It's the name the system assigned you."

Student: (another blank look)

Lab Attendant: (sigh) "The one on the piece of paper we gave you that says, 'Do not lose this information.'"

Student: "I threw that away. It wasn't important, was it?"

* Customer: "Hello, is this tech support?"

Tech Support: "Yes, it is; what is the nature of the problem you're having?"

Customer: "I can't seem to power this thing up."

Tech Support: "If you are unable to boot your computer, sir, I suggest you contact the manufacturer. This is Internet technical support."

Customer: "Computer?"

Tech Support: "Yes, your computer."

Customer: "I don't have a computer."

Tech Support: "What is the item you are having difficulty with?"

Customer: "My new lawn mower."

Tech Support: (stifling a giggle) "Sir, you have reached Internet technical support. I suggest you double-check the number and try again."

Customer: "No, I'm sure I got it right. Are you going to send anybody out to fix this damn thing?"

Tech Support: "Sir, we do not support lawn mowers. Please check the number and try it again."

Customer: "What kind of *@#%! service is this? *&$#^ you! I wasn't born yesterday, you know!" (click)

* Tech Support: "Ok, sir, please set the modem speeds from your telephone numbers down to 2400."

Customer: "Why can't I leave them at 57,600?"

Tech Support: "Because, sir, you have a 2400 baud modem. 57,600 is not appropriate for your modem."

Customer: "Everything is too slow at 2400."

Tech Support: "Well, you can always upgrade your modem."

Customer: "How can I do that?"

Tech Support: "You can purchase a new modem at any local computer store. Most of them will even install it for you."

Customer: "I don't want to buy a new modem. Can't I make this modem go faster?"

Tech Support: "No sir, you have a 2400 baud modem. That is as fast as this modem will go."

Customer: "Ok, I set it to 2400." (tries to sign on and fails again) "See? That wasn't the problem!"

Tech Support: "Ok, let's go back in and make sure that your changes to the modem speeds were saved."

Customer: "Why can't I at least put it at 9600??"

* Most people eventually figure out that you have to press return after your login ID and after your password or Windows will gripe at you and become generally unpleasant and sullen. Not one couple, who called all of nine times and still hasn't quite managed to get the hang of it.

Customer: "Ok, tell me again; what do I do after I enter my password?" he keeps asking.

* Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?"

Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me."

Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle]

Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e."

Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."

* Customer: "How do you spell 'Internet America'? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net'?"

Tech Support: "No space between 'inter' and 'net'. It's spelled normally."

Customer: "Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?"

Tech Support: "That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A."

Customer: "I-C-K???"

Tech Support: "'A' as in apple"

Customer: "There's no 'K' in apple!"

* Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"

Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."

* Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

* Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

* Customer: "It tries to log in and then gives this error number. I forget what it was...uhm...six one something? Or was it seven...? Four something? Or was it--"

Tech Support: "Ok. Open up 'Dial-Up Networking'."

Customer: "Ok. I double clicked on the icon on my desktop. It's now dialing."

Tech Support: "No sir. Click on 'cancel'."

Customer: "What? There's nothing here that says 'connect'. There's just a 'cancel' button."

Tech Support: "Click on 'cancel' please!"

Customer: "Oh, now it says it couldn't connect due to an error..."

Tech Support: "Click on 'ok' please."

Customer: "...of type 619. I can't click on 'cancel'. There is an 'ok' button."

Tech Support: (sigh) "Click on 'ok' then."

* At a computer lab for the business school of a large university. While most students have their own login name for our network, some students that rarely use the lab can use a generic student login that does not require a password. One such student came up at the help desk.

Student: "I'm trying to log in as student and it's telling me 'access denied'."

Tech Support: "Did you read the instructions posted on the front desk?"

Student: "Yes, and it's still not working."

Tech Support: "Did you just type 'student' for the user name with no password?"

Student: "Yes. Is 'no password' one word or two?"

* A lady struck up a conversation with someone on an airplane.

Her: "And where are you going?"

Guy: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention."

Her: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you."

* E X C E L L E N T ! !

overhearing a co worker with a customer on the phone

Tech Support: "Ok, if you want to access the program you just installed you need to first go to the start menu...the start menu.... Ok, you get to that by moving your pointer, with the mouse, to the start button...the start button.... You are using Windows 98, correct? Ok, the start button?...in the lower left hand corner of the screen?...the START button...the button that says 'start'... lower left hand corner...start...yes, it looks like a button...says 'start', that's right...start.... Now move your pointer to that button.... No leave the mouse on the table and just slide it.... See how the pointer moves on the screen...? Yes, very neat. Move it over to the start button.... Yes, the button we were just discussing.... Press the button.... What...? Oh...ok, now what I want you to do is push the power button again to turn the computer back on...."

[rogue1896]

once again, ROFL! ;D i feel bad for those ppl, the tech people. some morons really are...well...morons. haha

[GhostHunter]

ROFL, shit is SO funny LOL, can you continue the thing u said goes on further in the first though plz, I liked that, buy my fav is the "So does your apple have windows" one, ROFL

[Nyarlathotep]

ROFL, shit is SO funny LOL, can you continue the thing u said goes on further in the first though plz, I liked that, buy my fav is the "So does your apple have windows" one, ROFL

Glad you guys like it. I will continue tomorrow, as it's 3:30am here.

My fav is the last one (overhearing a co worker with a customer on the phone, as you can imagine what the customer is responding) ;D

[zamboe]

ROFL.

Sooooooooooo good.

I will translate some of them to spanish and post in other forum i visit.

[rogue1896]

and you had to deal with some of these people. ouch. that musta been hard. lol

[nampigai]

Damn I think i peed my pants, this was just what I needed I was going cold on the job but this helped me get through the friday

[Anathema]

Tech: yes?

Customer: My coffee cup holder is broken.

Tech: your what?

customer: My coffee cup holder

Tech: Eeeeh....did it come with your computer?

customer: yes, it did. I push this button and it comes out and I put my cup on it. Now it's broken. The brand is "32 X".

[Caid Ivik]

[attachment archived by Gobalopper]

[Nyarlathotep]

As promised: ;D

* Helping a friend get online for the first time.

Me: "Ok, do you have your Internet Explorer ope--"

Him: "What!? Your Internet EXPLODED?"

He was hysterical. I explained it all to him, but he was still terrified. Later, when I was done showing him how to surf the web, he asked:

Him: "Are you sure the Internet is safe to use?"

* A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.

Tech Support "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"

Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????"

* Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to sign up on our service."

Customer: "Well, I saw on the news that I should never give out my credit card information!"

Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, we have to have a way to bill you."

Customer: "No other service does this!"

Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the others don't allow you to use a checking account."

Customer: "No honest company would ask me for my credit card information!"

* Story:

The second day I worked doing phone tech support, I was called by an elderly woman who was sobbing and panicked. After spending twenty minutes getting her calmed down, I finally found out what her problem was. She had been on the Internet and recieved the ever-popular message "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." Immediately afterward, she had heard police sirens down the road and thought, "They're coming to lock me up!"

* A day from a computer tech at a community college. One day, an officer from our security department stopped by to talk to me. His face looked grim. He pulled me quietly aside.

Officer: "We have a new part time person working in our office who uses the computer, and I have to ask you something, but you need to keep this confidential."

Tech Support: "Ok, what's the problem?"

Officer: "Well, over the past two or three days I've glanced over at the new person's computer, and several times I've seen a message that says 'You have performed an illegal operation,' but he keeps clearing it by clicking something. I need to find out what he's doing wrong and if we should call the local police."

* Story from a nationwide ISP, doing overnight technical support. A man who had immigrated from Croatia called to ask us, in his thick eastern European accent, mind you, why we were kicking him offline.

Customer: "Why do you guys keep kicking me offline?"

Tech Support: "Can you hold on a moment while I look at your account logs?"

Customer: "Sure, but please hurry."

Tech Support: "Ok." ... "Hi, thanks for holding. It looks like our servers are reporting that either your modem is hanging up like a normal disconnect, or the connection is just being lost. This is usually attributed to line noise. I'd advise you get in touch with--"

Customer: "No, that is not what it is!"

Tech Support: "Well, that would normally be the first place I'd look. The modems are just losing touch with each--"

Customer: "All right. Apparently they do not tell you everything there. What I'm trying to look at are some Croatian newspapers to keep up with what's going on in my old country. The government did not like me when I was there and they do not like me being in touch with my family and events there today."

Tech Support: "Sir, the government there cannot disconnect you from the Internet here. You are in the United St--"

Customer: "My government was very powerful. They can do lots of things you would never imagine."

Tech Support: "I'm sure in Croatia, the government would have the power to disconnect you from the Internet. The service providers are under their jurisdiction there. However, in America, there is nothing they could do to force our computers to knock you off line. You're safe. I'm telling you, the first and foremost place I'd look is the telephone company to have them do what's called a 'data grade check'--"

Customer: "No, no, no. That is alright. I just wanted to know if you were doing it intentionally, or if it was them. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night."

* Story:

I was in the process of putting some new PCs in place of older ones in a small department here in the hospital. While I was working away, an older lady (the person in charge of the department) noticed that I had replaced her old 15" monitor with a brand new 17" monitor. She immediately came up to me and said:

Her: "Could you put my old monitor on the new computer?"

Me: "I could, but wouldn't you prefer the larger 17" monitor?"

Her: "Well, I wouldn't mind it, but I installed a $75 screen saver on the old monitor, and I don't want to lose it."

Me: "Well, don't worry about that. The new monitor will have that exact same screen saver."

Her: "You can transfer the screen saver off of my old monitor to the new one?"

Me: "I sure can."

Her: "Good."

* Tech Support: "Ma'am? I want you to stop clicking on your computer, move your hands away from the computer, don't touch the keyboard. Just stop. Move your hands away from the keyboard."

Customer: "But..."

Tech Support: "No, please follow my instructions."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Now, look on the screen. Do you see the To: field on your email message?"

Customer: "No, oh wait a minute, there it is, now I see it!"

Tech Support: "Great, now when I let you start typing again, this is where you would put the e-mail address in."

Customer: "Oh, I'm supposed to put it there? Oops, where did it go? Oh NO! What's happening to my computer?!"

Tech Support: "Ok, calm down, what is your computer doing?"

Customer: "It's got all these flying window things that are coming out of nowhere! They're going all over my screen, and, huh, ooooh, pretty colors."

Tech Support: "Uh, ma'am? That's your screen saver."

* Customer: "I have a very big problem! If you don't help me right now I will return the computer!"

Tech Support: "Well sir, what can I do for you?"

Customer: "Well, I just got my system today, and my friend installed a screen saver, and it comes up fine...BUT EVERY TIME I MOVE THE MOUSE IT GOES AWAY!!!!!!!"

* Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"

Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."

Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"

Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."

Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"

* Tech Support: "What type of systems do you have?"

Customer: "I have four. A Pentium 200, a Pentium 66, a Pentium 33, and a laptop."

Tech Support: "I don't think Intel ever made a Pentium 33."

Customer: "It's a 486 Pentium."

Tech Support: "Um, did you mean to say 486SX or 486DX?"

Customer: "It's a 486DX Pentium."

* Tech Support: "Ok, when the machine reboots, hit the 'del' key a few times. You should see a blue screen."

Customer: "Ok, it tells me that I am in the Cosmos setup."

* Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"

Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

* Tech Support: "What operating system are you running sir?"

Customer: "Word."

Tech Support: "I think you mean windows, sir."

Customer: "Oh yeah, WordWindows. It's very popular."

* Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have?"

Customer: "Windows 94."

Tech Support: "I presume you mean Windows 95?"

Customer: "Of course not. I've got the version that came out first."

* Customer: "I just shut down Windows 95, and it says, 'It is NOT safe for me to turn off my computer.'"

Tech Support: "Um...are you sure?"

Customer: (terrified) "Yes!"

Tech Support: "Sir, read me the screen letter for letter."

Customer: "Ok. I, t, i, s, n, o, w--"

Tech Support: "There! It says 'now', not 'not'. Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"

[Terror]

HAHAAAHAAAH this is some kickass stuff

[Timenn]

Lol! Where do you get those from Nyar?

[Nyarlathotep]

They can be found everywhere on the net if you search for it. I just had some pages I remembered from my tech support days with Dell :)

[DjCiD]

DoC you worked for Dell? cool I got a Dell ;D

I just hope your not that one guy that everytime i called he read to me the same thing I just read off my PC in the trouble shooting section... it finaly told me to call them and when I did, the guy starts the exact same thing to me. >:( I wa like I just did this! That couldnt of been you... could it? Nah ^-^

[Nyarlathotep]

Nah, I doubt you got me on the phone (remember, I live in the Netherlands) :)

[Marcel71]

hehe, it reminds me of my own experiences.

Sometimes i give trainings.

For example i say:

Click Internet Options under the Tools menu.

After 15 minutes they say they can't find it.

I stand behind them. They click "File" move slowly the mouse down the file menu reading everything what's in it.

I think, it's under the Tools menu. They go to the Edit menu and move their mouse slowly down to read all the options...

I think, they will get eventually there, just be patient (in meanwhile i would like to take the mouse out of his hands and give him a smack on the head).

Eventualy he comes to the Tools menu, goes again slowly with his mouse down all options, and stops at "Internet Options". I think FINALLY !!. Then he goes further to the next menu.. arghhh

Another one: Pupil says: my mouse is not working. I say, "k, let me see". I take his mouse and move it around, the cursor on the screen is follows the mouse.

So i say:"it works fine, let me see what you do"

He picks up the mouse, keeps it in the air with the bottom of the mouse turned to the screen, and makes cirkles....

He says:" U see it is not working " :O

hehe, and this is why we (computer people) get payed so much.. hehe, because of the dumbness of other people ;D

[DjCiD]

Nah, I doubt you got me on the phone (remember, I live in the Netherlands) :)

I dont know... they did have me dailing a bunch of weird numbers... might of gotten the overseas dell by mistake ^-^

[Nyarlathotep]

Nah, you're story would have been up there ;D

[nemafakei]

[Nyarlathotep]

Give me time and I'll post more tech support screw ups :)

[Nyarlathotep]

As promised Tech support screw ups:

* Customer: "Hi, I can't seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?"

Tech Support: "Well sir, what dialup software are you using?"

Customer: "The one you provided."

Tech Support: "And what version is it?"

Customer: (says the version number)

Tech Support: "Oh, that's the problem you need the latest version."

Customer: "Ok, how do I get it?"

Tech Support: "Well, just transfer the file via FTP."

Customer: "Well that would be nice, but I can't connect to the Internet."

Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) "I told you just to FTP the file sir."

* Probelem with an ISP and customer calling to find out what's wrong.

Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?"

Customer: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end."

Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--"

Customer: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX."

This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one.

Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem."

Customer: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network."

Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac."

Customer: (stunned) "I'm sorry?"

Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC."

Customer: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98."

Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs."

Customer: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC."

Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here."

Customer: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?"

* Customer: "My system's really slow on bootup."

Tech Support: "Have you been on the net for a long time?"

Customer: "Well, yeah, about a month or two."

Tech Support: "Try deleting the cache. Oh, and do you have a virus scanner?"

Customer: "Yes, it was the first thing I put on the hard drive."

Tech Support: "Oh, get rid of it. That's the problem. Those virus scanners screw things up on your disk. Get rid of it."

Customer: "Isn't that risky?"

Tech Support: "And you'll have to format your hard drive with Quick Reinstall. That's really all I know."

Customer: "Um...sure. Sure I will." (not)

* Customer: "I'm trying to access the University's network from my computer in my dorm room. Can you help me?"

Help Desk: "Which lab are you in?"

Customer: "I'm not in a lab. I'm in my room."

Help Desk: "Then you're not on the network."

Customer: "But I want to connect over the phone line. What number do I need to dial?"

Help Desk: "You need to call [phone number of help desk]."

Customer: "No, that's your phone number. I need a dial-up number for the computer."

Help Desk: "I don't understand. What are you trying to do?"

Customer: "I want to connect my computer to the school's network through the dial-up."

Help Desk: "Why don't you use a computer in the lab?"

Customer: "That would defeat the purpose of having a computer in my room."

Help Desk: "Well, your computer is not connected to the school network."

Customer: "I know! I want to use my modem to connect."

Help Desk: "What's a modem?"

Customer: "Never mind."

* Customer: "I was thinking of installing Linux, but I was wondering if you knew if the modem works under Linux."

Tech Support: "Oh, I'm sorry, we only support Windows."

Customer: "I know. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible."

Tech Support: "But we only support Windows."

Customer: "I know, but just to save me some time, have you heard of anyone that got Linux to work with the modem?"

Tech Support: (getting annoyed) "Why can't you just use Netscape?"

Customer: "Uh, wha? It's not a browser, it's a--never mind. Thanks for your help."

* Customer: "When my computer boots up, all I get is a black screen that says, 'boot2/'."

Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?"

Customer: "I'm using Windows 98 and NT 4.0."

Tech Support: "Ok, I'm the Mac tech. The Windows tech is gone, but I can try to help you."

Customer: "Ok, what should I do? I've reformatted the hard drive and have fresh installs of both operating systems."

Tech Support: "Sir, have you put any cheese or mustard in your a drive?"

Customer: "What? Did you just ask me if I put cheese or mustard in my floppy drive?"

Tech Support: "Yeah, we've had that happen a lot lately."

Customer: (staring blankly at roommate, who was laughing uncontrollably on the floor) "I think I'll wait for the PC tech to get back. Thanks for the help."

* Customer: "Yes, I'm having trouble with the connect suite for dial-up."

Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "I get random disconnects, I can't always get the dialer to work, and web pages often give strange time-out errors. I set everything up according to the documentation."

Tech Support: "Yes, well, that program doesn't work on everyone's computer."

Customer: "I know that. It doesn't work on mine, for instance."

Tech Support: "Well, we don't know why it doesn't always work. You should consider getting a new computer."

* A company hired a new technician, and at first he seemed to know what he was doing, but soon he got in over his head. A customer brought in a system and said she couldn't get on the Internet. When the tech couldn't get the plug-n-play modem to work under Win3.11, he assumed it was a new modem, and it couldn't be done. He called her.

Tech Support: "Ok, this modem, since it is plug-n-play, will not work in Windows 3.11. You'll have to get a new modem or install the Windows 95 upgrade."

Customer: "But I've been using that modem for over a year in Windows 3.11, and it never gave me any problems."

Tech Support: "Well it doesn't work now."

Customer: "If it worked before, why would it not work now?"

Tech Support: "Lightning must have hit it, and now it won't work in anything but Windows 95."

* Customer: "Hi, I have a problem with my left speaker, no sound is coming out of it."

Tech Support: "Have you adjusted the balance in the volume properties?"

Customer: "Yes, it's definitely not that, and it's not a sound card or connection problem either. Could you just send me some new speakers? It's still under warranty."

Tech Support: "Errrm, ok, I want you to go to DOS and type 'format c:' and then restore your hard disk from the master CD."

* Customer: "I just got an old Pentium motherboard, and I wondered if I could get a pinout for the power supply plug, so I can power it up and see if it works."

Tech Support: "What happens when you turn it on?"

Customer: "Ummm...nothing, I don't have a power supply for it. I need a pinout to wire up a standard power supply."

Tech Support: "I see. Can you get into Windows?"

* About filling in a form online with a TAX company

Tech Support: "How can I help?"

Customer: "I'm having a timeout problem when filing online. The modem dials up ok, but after connecting I get a timeout error."

Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?"

Customer: "A MultiTech 28.8."

Tech Support: (pause) "We only support 9600 baud. What's 28.8?"

Customer: "Twenty-eight point eight K-baud."

Tech Support: "What's K-baud?"

* Asking info about a DSL service

Tech Support: "1.54mbit up/down."

Customer: (after some calculations) "Hmmm. That's about 173KB/sec, right?"

Tech Support: (pause; sound of typing) "No, that's 1.54MB/sec."

Customer: "No, that's the speed in bits per second. I wondered what it was in bytes per second."

Tech Support: (pause) "No, it's 1.54MB/sec."

Customer: "No, 8 bits equals 1 byte--"

Tech Support: "No, bits and bytes are the same thing!"

Customer: "Um, that's not true. That's why a 56K modem is a 56kbit modem that usually gets 5 KB/sec transfer rates."

Tech Support: "Well that's because people take out the dot when they say it. It's actually 5.6kbit or 5.6kbyte. The .6kbyte is just lost in the connection."

* Overhearing a co worker who calls tech support

"Hello, my name is [name]. My computer no longer communicates on the network. . . . Yes, the network connection is plugged in. . . . Yes, both ends. . . . Ok, I've rebooted the computer. Still nothing. . . . I don't have a 'Start' button. I'm running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Windows NT. . . . NT. . . . Ennnn Teeee. . . . I don't think that will work. . . . Well, ok. I'm pulling down file [long list of instructions]. . . . I don't have that menu choice. . . . Ok, we'll try it again. I pull down file [long list of instructions]. That menu choice doesn't exist. . . . Yes, thank you, I do know how to spell. . . . No, there is no menu choice by that name. . . . I'm sorry, it isn't there. . . . No, I do not have a 'Start' button. . . . No, I am not running Windows 3.11. I am running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Uhhh, no, I don't think they are the same thing. . . . Look, you can keep saying that the choice has to be there, but in fact it is not. I'm running Windows Ennn Teee. It's different from Windows 3.1. . . . No, the choice third from the bottom is [name of option]. . . . I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. . . . Hello? . . . Hello?"

Co-worker redials.

"Hello help desk? My name is [name]. I called a few minutes ago with a network problem. I'd like the name of the tech assigned to my case. . . . Thank you. Now, could you assign a different person to the case please? . . . Because she's a moron. . . . Yes, I did say moron. . . . Thank you."