Darwin Awards

[GUNWOUNDS]

***** DARWIN AWARDS ********

(these are true stories)

An annual honor bestowed posthumously upon the remains of that individual who, through voluntary, single minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to advance the evolution of mankind by eliminating undesirable elements from the human gene pool in a most extraordinarily stupid way.

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The Grand Prize All Time Hall of Fame Winner (from 1997?):

The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded 150' up the side of a cliff rising above the road, on the outside of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but on further investigation it became apparent that it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a Jett Assisted Take Off unit (JATO), actually a solid-fuel rocket that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the Arizona desert, and upon finding a long, straight stretch of road about three miles long attached the JATO unit to his car. He jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! As best as could be determined, he was going somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve. . . The brakes and tires were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car.

TODAY'S LESSON: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off' switch . . .and this guy was obviously not a rocket scientist.

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1997 Darwin Award runners up

There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower.. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.

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[AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed.

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[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had CHOKED him to death.

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[Location Unknown] Poacher Marino Malerba, shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

[Location Unknown] Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

[Location Unknown] Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sank like a stone and drowned as he was unable to swim.

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====================== Special Merits, we can only wish them better luck next time ======================

[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."

"He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

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[uPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

****************WINNER OF THE 1996 DARWIN AWARDS********************

Last year's Darwin Award was given to a man crushed to death by a coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

[exatreide]

"1997 Darwin Award runners up

There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower.. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.

"

That one is false urine is not a good conducter of electricity, havnt you ever seen mythbusters? they tried this and it didnt work, this story is BS. Urine is not a good conducter of electricity, they eventried to with the man barefoot and in water and it didnt work.

[GUNWOUNDS]

[quote author=ExAtreides

[Inoculator9]

Yeah Ex, that one is true.

[thomas]

watch the CKY videos they prove it works

urine is a great conductor, it contains alot of minerals which are the sole reason water is conductive, pure water doesn't conduct

[GUNWOUNDS]

watch the CKY videos they prove it works

urine is a great conductor, it contains alot of minerals which are the sole reason water is conductive, pure water doesn't conduct

ya mythbusters musta been lying to you on that particular show ex.

[Inoculator9]

Mythbusters itself never seemed to credible to me.

[GUNWOUNDS]

First Place - for 2003 Darwin Awards.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

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And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

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A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

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An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

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A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

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A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,

"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

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Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would- be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

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As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

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The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

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Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

They were quickly arrested.

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A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[GUNWOUNDS]

More darwin candidates that almost won.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in

two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide

sewer grate

to retrieve his car keys.

* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally

zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his

daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug

into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel

Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had

been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it

collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on

the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way

to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took

rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while

about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he

fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to

keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the

floor.

* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was

stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was

trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena

was wearing.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,

Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver

loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,

27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a

tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede

with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a

rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing

his skull.

* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out

cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane

torch

and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of

his house.

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his

wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up

in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the

dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,

but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP....

TACOMA, WA

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them

said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows

Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and

at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon

arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had

brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered

and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of

the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to

the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore

his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the

icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,

" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night."

"There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never

located.

AND THE WINNER....

PADERBORN, GERMANY

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant

Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,

figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and

suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say

ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an

olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer

force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to

the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as

the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said

flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. 'with no one there

to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a

watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be

just one of those freak accidents that "$hit happens."

[Atomic Mitten]

Muhaaaa !  ;D

When did that happen in the Zoo in Paderborn,Germany.Gunwounds ? do you have a date for that ?

[TMA_1]

well it is as credible as it can get, and myth busters was doing something differently than making something "pee" from a huge drop. The problem with urine is that it doesnt cast a steady stream at far distances, so I havea tendancy to disbelieve it. I mean havent you ever tried going away from the toilet while peeing?

hmm, I guess we shouldnt go there.lol

[Acriku]

GUNWOUNDS, I'm sure that material is copyrighted, even if it doesn't show the copyright, so please attach a URL to each of your posts linking to the main page.

[fremfedeliteNIAC]

A classic my chemistry teacher loves to tell us when talking about the flammable and volatile properties of hydrocarbons; (he's the spawn of satan btw...)

"I once knew a guy who was a raging alcoholic. Unfortunatly because of this he was very poor, and also often very depressed. One evening when he was at his worst, after a fight with his wifehe decided that he needed a drink, but his wife had gotted rid of it all to help him stop drinking. He decided to take a trip down to the local petrol station just down the road.

After coming back he didnt have the nerve to drink it straight so he mixed it with some milk before sitting in front of the fire....

After the third glass he began to feel a bit sick, and threw up... straight onto the fire.

In the insuing explotion he killed himself, set fire to his house and consequently killed his wife and children also.

heheheheheheheeeeee......"

*shocked looks*

Well if your gunna go I guess thats not a bad way to do it... original at least

[GUNWOUNDS]

GUNWOUNDS, I'm sure that material is copyrighted, even if it doesn't show the copyright, so please attach a URL to each of your posts linking to the main page.

i dont know if you noticed acriku... but these stories are all valid NEWS stories....  i.e. - you can look them up in a newspaper somewhere.  They dont own this material anymore than i do.  How do you copyright a true story about a man who shot himself in the face that was reported  in yesterday's newspaper?

[ordos45]

How do you copyright a true story about a man who shot himself in the face that was reported  in yesterday's newspaper?

It's easy to do.  The Associated Press, Reuters, and the other media agencies do so all the time and threaten with lawsuit if it is copied or otherwise illegally distributed. 

[GUNWOUNDS]

It's easy to do.

[Gobalopper]

I think the point he is making is that it is always better to credit someone when posting things you didn't write. You don't have to and you can't exactly be forced to but its more of a common courtesy type of thing.

[thomas]

I only cite my sources in papers

it's too much of a pain to do that for everything

[DjCiD]

One bum on fire makes for a toasty alley for the rest of us...

Some guy I passed while walking the dog in the city....

You must cite everything!! :D

[TMA_1]

I think you guys are being a little too hard on gunwounds, I have posted info that I didnt give links to, but I explained where it came from, as gunwounds did. he isnt a likable fellow, but that doesnt mean some of you have to be uptight.

[Inoculator9]

I agree, just because he doesn't cite sources doesn't mean his posts aren't credible :P

[DjCiD]

I was just being silly :D besides it's not like he tried to say it was his own work unlike that Baron guy Mahdi always has a problem with...

I don't alway cite my sources, I gave up on that after I turned in my term paper for English

[Inoculator9]

Lol, I know. I just like pretending to be serious.

"I'm a big boy!"

-Mr. Burns

[Acriku]

i dont know if you noticed acriku... but these stories are all valid NEWS stories....  i.e. - you can look them up in a newspaper somewhere.  They dont own this material anymore than i do.  How do you copyright a true story about a man who shot himself in the face that was reported  in yesterday's newspaper?

Who compiled it into a categorized network of articles? Who posted them for you to find? Who gave them 'Darwin Awards'? So what if they can be found anywhere, where you got them is what you should cite. It's rude to the provider that you don't atleast give a URL back to their site so other people can visit and look at more stories.

[SurlyPIG]

The Grand Prize All Time Hall of Fame Winner (from 1997?):

The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded 150' up the side of a cliff rising above the road, on the outside of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but on further investigation it became apparent that it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a Jett Assisted Take Off unit (JATO), actually a solid-fuel rocket that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the Arizona desert, and upon finding a long, straight stretch of road about three miles long attached the JATO unit to his car. He jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! As best as could be determined, he was going somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve. . . The brakes and tires were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car.

TODAY'S LESSON: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off' switch . . .and this guy was obviously not a rocket scientist.

According to my book The Darwin Awards - Evolution in Action by Wendy Northcutt, although this award is the most popular of all time, after it fooled the 1995 Darwin Award judges, it was later confirmed to be an urban legend by the Arizona Department of Public Safety.

Read the official JATO denial:

www.DarwinAwards.com/book/jato.html

But as far as urban legends go, this one is almost as funny as the story of a guy who superglued himself to the ass of a rhino...a rhino with a diarrhea problem.