France's History of Military Failure

[emprworm]

France's history of military failure

The military history of France:

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female

schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. ;)

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the

United States.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States

and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but, rather, "How long until France collapses?" How France got on the Security Council of the UN is a mystery. A farce.

[VigilVirus]

Yeah, I saw this on another forum a couple weeks ago. Was laughing real hard ;D

A quote from The Simpsons comes to mind.

Lisa (as Joan D'Ark): I've been chosen by God to lead the French army to victory!

Homer: Victory?! But we're french! We don't even have a word for it.

;D :D

[emprworm]

my brother sent it to me last night. it puts it all in perspective.

[Edric O]

O Emprworm, how have you sunk so low?

There used to be a time when you made thoughtful, well-argumented posts and debated in a respectful and mature manner. Now look at yourself: Taking pot shots at a nation's history, twisting several ambiguous facts to support your ideas, and insulting several dozen million people while you're at it.

Do you realy have nothing better to say than "America rulez, look at how much the frenchies suck"?

[VigilVirus]

In Emprworm's defense - it is all true. Some people (the french) don't want to admit it, but France has always sucked at war strategy, technology and military. The only time they didn't was during the time of Napoleon Bonaparte, but even he was outsmarted by the Russians (the whole burning of Moscow and giving it up to the enemy).

[Edric O]

Half of those "ties" he mentioned were actually victories...

And if they suck so much, how come they have been a major power (and even the de facto rulers of Europe at times) for centuries? Because military power isn't everything. This is what the war-mongers will never understand...

[VigilVirus]

Before the formation of the UN, military power was pretty much everything.

[slaphapy]

Half of those "ties" he mentioned were actually victories...

either way they still lost about twice as many as they even won or tied

[Edric O]

And this matters because...?

France has been a major world power for centuries at a time, something that cannot be said about America.

In any case, this is completely irrelevant to anything that happens now. Or are you such a racist as to claim that there is something wrong with the French people?

[exatreide]

"The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer"

Some what true...

However The french forces didnt show there usal relectence to fight in this war, hell they came back for round TWO!

and i think its cool that the french's first major defeat in the Napoleonic war was thanks to my boys the ottomans :)

Napoleon made some great mistakes, but however un like hittler, he was a military mastermind, able to manage minute details of his campaign, and leave some very importen ones out.

IE Crossing Egypt, with almost no water, and his forces invading russia in the dead of winter,

He had some large Victories.

Even though the french may have lost in both wars, They faught not as the french...somehow...er... yea...

And Emp.

The French had been fighting the war with the british in World War One, For several years before the americans even joined.

So dont give the Americans the honour of being the saviors, they wernt.

[DukeLeto]

France has been a major world power for centuries at a time, something that cannot be said about America.

lol, no offense, but the French pretty much suck at war.

BTW, here are some jokes I' got off the radio:

Why doesn't EuroDisney set off fire works? Because the French will want to surreender when they hear explosions.

French tanks have six gears: Five reverse, amd one forward, just in case they are attacked from behind.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows, it's never been tried.

;D ;D ;D ;D

[Edric O]

Let's take a closer look at that post...

...of all things, an Italian.

Silly me, I thought he was a Roman. ::)

...saved at last by a female schizophrenic...

No comment. Poor Jeanne D'Arc is rolling in her grave (assuming she had one).

Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

France only wins when America does most of the fighting.

Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

If I were French, I would be utterly offended. There's nothing there but racism, bigotry and stereotyping. This is sick. Disgusting.

[TMA_1]

Napoleon conquered large areas of land. like ex said, he knew how to fight a battle. The french havent been successful because they lack a real purpose many times. There have been many currupt leaders, many wars that had no purpose, many times of decadence in the country. All of these things together made them lack-luster fighters. It isnt because of who they are, or their culture per se. It is because they are just plain unlucky.lol that is my opinion. I dont like french culture at all either. I just think you waaaay overdo things. next thing I know, you will be talking in newspeak.lol ;)

[exatreide]

Well In the napolonic wars the french sure liked to fight.

As i said emp.

THEY CAME BACK FOR A SECOND ROUND!

:)

[Edric O]

VIVE L'EMPEREUR!! ;D

[exatreide]

Have you ever Seen Napoleons tomb? Its huge! For a defeated General, And a dead emperor, He sure gets a lot of respect.

and in my opnion he deserves every bit of it.

Viva la Napoleon!

[Edric O]

Viva la Napoleon!

You might just get lynched if you said that in France... because, you see, "la" is the definite article for feminine nouns...

[exatreide]

viva le napeloen?

hows that :P

[Edric O]

It's "Vive Napoleon" - You don't say "Long live the Napoleon", do you? ;) And it's "vive", not "viva". :)

[exatreide]

Ok, Edric, I cant spell in english...and you expect me to know french?

i expected better of you edric...i really did....

[Edric O]

Hehe, sorry. ;D lol

[Acriku]

France is a good country, a historically significant country, and military victories be damned for there is the great Napoleon. :)

[nampigai]

somehow I agree a little with you emprworm, I don't dislike french people (just as don't dislike american) However when it comes to military they haven't really proved to be a great power. They've had their moments and live high on being one of the victors in WW2 (then most other european countries were victors even the germans they had partisans too)

Like you say EdricO France has been one of the leading countries in Europe they suck dry the EU money chest with all their farmer support and GB and Germany pays. This is all from my point of view I may just as well be wrong. But I really find it hyporitic to say we might use our veto and then in the same stroke they send their flagship to the persian gulf. It would be horrible if US and GB was to get all the glory of a victory.

I am against the war if it can be avoided and I mean at all cost. This is also why Europe wasn't going to send military to Turkey right away, it seemed like a provocation. But a war is comming, I don't believe the brits and american would send so many men to the gulf just to get a taint.

[Terror]

well, i agree with Edric O. This stuff about France sucking at wars may have some truth in it. But France had many, MANY enemies, and it was a major power in many centuries. Yes, they have been decimated by the english, the vikings, the germans and what else on occasions. But Napoleon has done a campaign that was unthinkable until the world wars. He reached russia and expanded in multiple directions, and not to forget that it had an important influence on our current culture.

Also they have beaten the saracens in spain. Whereas spain could not fight them off and were losing the battle, the european knights gathered (the vast majority consisted of French heavily armored knights) and they pushed the saracens back and threw the out into the sea.

They pretty much fucked the 100 years war up because of their "old" battle strategies. They thought that fighting a battle should be about two armies clashing together, cavalry infantry and archers, all fighting a fair fight, on equal grounds and they had an unending thrust in the power of their heavy cavalry. England used a way more effective, and in the eyes of the French a cowardly battle tactic, through the use of longbows. This way they english have won battles vs. france where the french had 3 times the amount of men than england had. But by camping on a hill, they just butchered the french when they were running up the hill, and when the cavalry retreated they ran their own infantry who was following down, creating a total chaos and an unbelievable slaughter.

It was not until people like Bertrand du Guesclin and Jean d'Arc came and defeated the english. But all in all, the french have faught many battles, and achieved numerous victories, of which some may be even very important for what we are today, like pushing the saracens back

[Edric O]

Also they have beaten the saracens in spain. Whereas spain could not fight them off and were losing the battle, the european knights gathered (the vast majority consisted of French heavily armored knights) and they pushed the saracens back and threw the out into the sea.

Good point, I forgot about the great victory at Poitiers.

You know, Emprworm, if it weren't for Clovis and his French (well, Frankish) armies beating the Arabs at Poitiers, you would be bowing towards Mecca and praising Allah now...