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Short story


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Here is a story I am writing, It is the first part. Tell me what you think of it.


while walking up Tibits Road, Ryan Waren casualy looked through the latest issue of "Children of Ice", his favorite comic. It was about a superhero,Artic Avenger, who could controll ice. He fought against isotope,a biological terror caused by a radiation spill. Ryan was not your average 21 year old. He was enthralled by the comics he read, and didn't like any of the girls at his collage, but loved aqua, the superwoman who could controll water, and defended paragon city with other superheroes. He also stated his opion out loud and didn't care what others thought, that cost him though. Although he didn't notice it many people disliked him.

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  Ryan looked at his leg, the bone was jutting out, then at the gangters, there was noway he was getting out of this mess."So what shall we do with the little puke?" asked havoc to the other two gangsters. "Why don't we just shoot him up with some Zolacion?" one of the gangsters asked. "No, you idiot. That might just deform him.....yeah lets do that." said Havoc.

 Havoc pulled something round out of his pocket, a vile. He then put it into a syringe." The cops will just think he ODed" chuckled Havoc. Havoc then brought the syringe down to inject Ryan.

       A million thing came through Ryans head. He couldn't think straight. He then became overcome with fear. and started mumbling."I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I shall turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. " Havoc then pissed at his mumbling kicked Ryan in the side of the head not too hard but enough to knock him out. Ryan then blacked out hearing "The cops won't suspect a thing...


Well here is the second part tell me what you think.

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ok part 3 of our epic.

What should this turn into, I have several possibilitys but I need your opinion. :D for my other version which enables you to join in as regular people or superheroes. corny huh. go to www.city of heroes.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=6168&pagenumber=1

or www.cityofheroes.com/forums/ and go to roleplay then go to the thread paragon city. by ivellios(me)

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I will rewrite the story but with little change but better english. I accidentaly put he heard havoc say "the cops wont suspect a thing" in a draft for my friends mom, who profread it.(she is the editor of his dad who writes science novels on creation[Hugh Ross])rather than "the cops will just think he ODed",and the ending, "The cops wont suspect a thing..." tie in perfectly. ok I have a fourth installment made so if you choose you want it to be more sci-fi than realistic I have to write a third installment and fourth is all ready done sop you will have four by tomorrow if you choose unrealistic. it wont be far out though. oh I think a good song to relate to this story is "Defy You" by The Offspring. what and you will see what I mean ;D ;D ;D ;D

Oh the suspense! ;D

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"No Pan, you spelt science correctly. "

Being picky about spelling's my job, anyway.

Um... the speech can be in slang, but the narration should be in standard English in any good text, unless it's not in English, of course.

And there aren't too many mistakes with the spelling.

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