Americans advised to prepare for Franco-Russian occupation

[Edric O]

As recently as two years ago, this picture was taken of U.S. president George W. Bush weilding the One Ring:

Americans felt safe under the protection and watchful eye of the Dark Lord. They felt proud of their status as the world's only superpower, granted upon them by the posession of the One Ring. But, unknown to ordinary Americans, the Ring became lost to the Dark Lord soon after declaring Mission Accomplished in Iraq. To this day, it is unclear how Bush lost the Ring, though many learned scholars theorize that he traded it for a bag of pretzels when he was short on cash.

In any case, without the power of the Ring, Bush's plans began to unravel. An Iraqi insurgency formed and began to grow, mocking the president's announcement of "mission accomplished" (which was made at a time when he still had the Ring). To make matters worse, the loss of the Ring made it impossible for Bush to carry out his plan of deceiving world opinion with fake nuclear weapons created and planted in Iraq by the power of the Ring. Only at home, in the USA, where the Ring had been used most often, its dark magic lingered on enough to give Bush a victory in the 2004 elections.

In the Dark Lord's entourage, all believed that the Ring was lost forver... until this year's May 9th celebrations in Moscow. While the world believed that they were only organized in order to mark the 60th anniversary of the end of the second world war, Russian president Vladimir Putin had a much more sinister purpose in mind. He wanted to meet Bush in person at a grand event that would demonstrate Russia's new might... in more ways than one. Here, caught on camera, is the moment of truth:

Putin reveals to a shocked Bush that he holds the One Ring now, and he explains his unstoppable plans for world domination. The days of the United States of America are numbered. Bush will have no choice but to surrender himself and his country to the new Dark Lord, Vladimir Putin of Russia.

It is expected that Bush will soon announce the American people of the imminent subjugation of their country, and advise them to bow to their new Russian masters.

But the Russians have not obtained the One Ring on their own. Another shocking photo from the 9 May celebration reveals who was behind them all along:

French President Jacques Chirac gives Putin the thumbs up mere moments after he declared his evil intentions to Bush. The worst fear of American patriots everywhere has come true: The treacherous French found the One Ring and took it to Russia, where they signed a secret dark pact with the Russians to work together for the enslavement of the human race. As a first taste of the coming darkness, the territory once known as the United States of America will be divided into Russian and French occupation zones, named Новая Россия and Nouvelle France, respectively. The first draft of the division between the two occupation zones can be seen below:

The Russians have agreed to let the French have the Statue of Liberty, which currently stands in the future Russian occupation zone, off the coast of New Leningrad (as the city will soon be known). The statue will be transported back to France and re-carved in the shape of a giant potato, as vengeance for the American blasphemy of "freedom fries". For that matter, the word "freedom" will be eliminated from the English language and replaced with the word "French". The English language itself will be slowly phased out over a period of 20 years (16 years in Новая Россия, since the Russians insist on completing every five-year plan in four years), to be replaced with Russian and French.

One of the major disagreements between the Russians and the French was over the new symbol that would be used to represent Новая Россия and Nouvelle France after the occupation. The Russians insisted on their imperial two-headed eagle while the French refused to accept anything other than the Gallic rooster. In the end, as a compromise, it was decided that the symbol will be a two-headed chicken.

Finally, a comprehensive program of re-education is being discussed by America's new overlords, with the aim of creating a new American culture by fusing the best elements of Russian and French cultures. The only thing decided so far is that the staple diet for all Americans will consist of cheese and vodka.

All supporters of the old regime who refuse to collaborate with the Franco-Russian authorities will be ruthlessly hunted down, arrested and given the choice of being deported to either Siberia or France. It it expected that most will choose Siberia.

[exatreide]

Cheese and vodka? Sounds tasty...

Sigh, Time for a insurgency to begin again... Driving the french out of the south after they loose a single massive battle in which they could have easily avoided, and then years of fundamentalist sucide bombings and gurrila warfare to remind the soviets of who actully managed to take Afghanistan,  ;D(sorry had to)

Then again..Cheese and vodka is mighty tempting...

[Caid Ivik]

Should we not put this to Fanfic or General?

[Kiyouta]

Fanfic? But isn't that for stories of fiction? ???

[Anathema]

In the end, as a compromise, it was decided that the symbol will be a two-headed chicken.

;D

[ps501]

Cheese and vodka? Sounds tasty...

Sigh, Time for a insurgency to begin again... Driving the french out of the south after they loose a single massive battle in which they could have easily avoided, and then years of fundamentalist sucide bombings and gurrila warfare to remind the soviets of who actully managed to take Afghanistan,

[Egeides]

[offtopic]

I'll use this thread to bring something which would have been off-topic anywhere else:

EdricO, the link in your signature about human nature and Communism is broken, and I wanted to see where it led.

[/offtopic]

;D

[Edric O]

You should have IM-ed me! :) It's fixed now.

On another note, how do you think the Dutch and the Canadians will react to this bold move by the French and Russians? Will they feel their own plans for world domination are under threat? Or perhaps they are behind this whole scheme?

[Egeides]

Canadians shall pass humans in from the US, and pass washed money out to the US. We don't change with time, we're always useful.

Dutch shall convert their 13 smoking on one same Rotterdam 1 km residential street (not kidding) to 13 heroin den, apparently a presently sustainable growing trend. They don't change either with time, so the government wont want trouble and will say that statistics are good and not ask their inspectors to count all-important parallel/implicit markets.

PS: The information about Rotterdam's pot market is almost first-hand. I met an interesting Surinamese fellow in Rotterdam (there's a HUGE Surinamese immigration to Rotterdam), and he wasn't a pusher (for that: go to train station and stand still).

[Ninja_Sher]

Dude you forgot the one who could really control the occupation,,, england!!! so it should be a anglo-franco-russian pact :D:D:D. oh also put romania in for the sake of entertainment he he .

[Barbarossa]

Huh, I like the new diet. The whole Russians controlling Chicago and thereby me makes me nervous. I think I'll move in with the relitives in Ireland.  ;D

[tag]

I think you're making way too much of all this.  If that were the -real- Ring then the bearers would have been invisible to the camera photographing them.

What you're seeing are the results of the World Leader's annual game of Lord of the Rings Risk! where the winner gets to keep the ring that comes in the box (and thus Lord it over everybody else at high publicity events such at that aforementioned).  The alliance between Jaques Chirac and Vladimir Putin should, of course, have been obvious by the fact that as a pledge to their pact they agreed to share the same style of hair, continuing the precedent of Bush and Blair back during the '02 game.

--Bashar

[Edric O]

I think you're making way too much of all this.  If that were the -real- Ring then the bearers would have been invisible to the camera photographing them.

Not necessarily. After all, Sauron wasn't invisible when wearing the Ring. So it has been established that a powerful Dark Lord can choose to remain visible even with the Ring on his finger.

[SpiceGuid]

Um, I'm sure I'm gonna get flamed for this, but I saw on e-bay a vintage French WWII military rifle. The description said "Never used, Dropped once, good condition"

The plan is France at West front, Poland at East front, those filthy nazis stand no chance.

But lives are too precious.

So to surrender and wait US assistance is a much safer plan :-[

I can tell you, those who believe the world problems could be better solved by french "diplomacy" are just plain naive. French diplomacy is all about cock-a-doodle-doo.

24 countries will vote the European constitution.

1 country will reject it.

What a great cock-a-doodle-doo!

Another Chirac historical moment.

Provoking our US ally was not enough.

Now we have to shoot ourselves in the head...

All supporters of the old regime who refuse to collaborate with the Franco-Russian authorities will be ruthlessly hunted down, arrested and given the choice of being deported to either Siberia or France. It it expected that most will choose Siberia.

Can't blame them.

[ps501]

I can tell you, those who believe the world problems could be better solved by french "diplomacy" are just plain naive. French diplomacy is all about cock-a-doodle-doo.

But as the plan is coming together, rumor leaks out that there is apparently one massive problem with the plan.

[Edric O]

Just to go back on the serious side for a moment...

24 countries will vote the European constitution.

1 country will reject it.

One country? Ha ha ha!! First of all, the Brits utterly despise the European constitution, and will do everything in their power to stop it from passing. Same goes for all the Nordic countries.

And they all have damn good reasons for it. The European constitution, as it stands now, is a load of crap that should be overwhelmingly rejected by the peoples of Europe. Vote NON on May 29th! But let's not get into that here...

[Barbarossa]

I have not had a chance to read any parts of your new constitution, what are it's problems?

[Ninja_Sher]

The plan is France at West front, Poland at East front, those filthy nazis stand no chance.

But lives are too precious.

So to surrender and wait US assistance is a much safer plan :-[

I can tell you, those who believe the world problems could be better solved by french "diplomacy" are just plain naive. French diplomacy is all about cock-a-doodle-doo.

24 countries will vote the European constitution.

1 country will reject it.

What a great cock-a-doodle-doo!

Another Chirac historical moment.

Provoking our US ally was not enough.

Now we have to shoot ourselves in the head...

Can't blame them.

Dude you are one hech of a scared cat he he, afraid of the wrath of america ??? what a joke. Hey you know what putin wears ring in his mid finger right so it would nice show his mid finger in a special motion ( you know what I mean mid-finger anyone ). It would be really funny then.