The_Sadukar Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Here it is, my very first real poem, please read it and comment.This Final blaze of GloryAll who’ve come know of the battle aheadHard will it be, few will surviveBut still they’ve come, ‘Cause they no longer care for their livesTis only for glory they careI am one of themI long for death in battleAnd so I’ve comeI am weary of my lifeTis only for glory I careIn front of us are our foesMany they are, few will surviveBut still they’ve comeTo defend their homes and kinFor glory they do not careThe charge is soundedAnd forward we rideHard and fastKnowing thatBattle soon will be joinedWe clash into our foesThey fall before usBut others take their placeThough to us it does not matterFor this is our final blaze of glory Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostHunter Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 It was all held together pretty well though there should be some more smaller climaxes from time to time.However,"We clash into our foesThey fall before usBut others take their placeBut to us it does not matterFor this is our final blaze of glory"caught my attention quite a lot. It was a very good way to end the climate of the poem. All around good job, Sard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Ok, it's pretty good but read some of it through and see how it sounds."‘Cause they no longer care for their livesOnly for glory they care"To me that does not sound particularly flowing. "‘Cause they no longer care for their lives'Tis only for glory they care"Would IMO sound better, and the addition of that "Tis" at the start of each of those lines would help the metre in my opinion. "I am one of themI long for the death in battle"I think it would sound better without the 'the' before death. That's just a syntax point really."And forward we rideHard and fastKnowing thatBattle soon will be joined"That's good. Enjambement between the later lines gives a real sense of the speed of the charging cavalry.All around a good job, I think, and like GhostHunter said, the last stanza is particularly memorable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ordos45 Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Ditto on that last stanza, it does break away as a wonderful ending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Sadukar Posted October 29, 2003 Author Share Posted October 29, 2003 Thanks chaps, and Apollyon the poem have been improved as you sugesstet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowzeewee Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Nice one. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I do wish you people would use the 'Poems' thread for posting these things, it would be much easier and that is what it's there for. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Leaf Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Man... now I have to make new song! :O;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyborg Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Good songs don't roll out on a conveyor belt, Jack.Remember that.I liked your poem very much, and it's of good quality.However, I took note of your two "but"s at the start of the two lines in the middle of the last verse.Personally, I think this sounds better:"But others take their placeThough to us it does not matter" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygirl4 Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 its not very romantic :- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Leaf Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 Poem doesn't have to be romantic to be good. Everyone has his/her style. I write a lot of romantic, but in Finnish, and if I am right there's only 3 or 4 guys who can speak Finnish... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyborg Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 I like the sad ones best.And it's a plus if they're allegorical.Like my "Walking in fields of blight" ;D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 I've only ever written one romantic poem lol. It's in the poems thread if you want to read it. I prefer deeper poetry over romantic stuff myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Sadukar Posted November 1, 2003 Author Share Posted November 1, 2003 As do I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inoculator9 Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 Looks good Sard :) Vaguely, VAGUELY, reminiscent of Sir Alfred Lord Tenison:"Storm'd at with shot and shell, Boldly they rode and well, Into the jaws of death, Into the depths of hell." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 And into a travelling salesmanhoping to sellhis latest gadget his all; his life,despite the wishes of his wifewho had since birth caused him much strife.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inoculator9 Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 Apollyon, you are akin to those great Greek poets of old :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 Noooooooooooooo*Bashes head on rock*God I hate Homer, the annoying bastard. Still, not as bad as Pliny... Although Nema would disagree I'm sure. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inoculator9 Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 Oh faffle potz :P In that case, you're just a complete fart :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 Whew. Close call. Rather be a fart than a Greek poet anyday. (no offense to any greek poets out there...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inoculator9 Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 Argh... ye have insulted me noble honour... a curse on you, may the gods infest your home with lice and whatnot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.