Sard's very first true poem

[The_Sadukar]

Here it is, my very first real poem, please read it and comment.

This Final blaze of Glory

All who’ve come know of the battle ahead

Hard will it be, few will survive

But still they’ve come,

‘Cause they no longer care for their lives

Tis only for glory they care

I am one of them

I long for death in battle

And so I’ve come

I am weary of my life

Tis only for glory I care

In front of us are our foes

Many they are, few will survive

But still they’ve come

To defend their homes and kin

For glory they do not care

The charge is sounded

And forward we ride

Hard and fast

Knowing that

Battle soon will be joined

We clash into our foes

They fall before us

But others take their place

Though to us it does not matter

For this is our final blaze of glory

[GhostHunter]

It was all held together pretty well though there should be some more smaller climaxes from time to time.

However,

"We clash into our foes

They fall before us

But others take their place

But to us it does not matter

For this is our final blaze of glory"

caught my attention quite a lot. It was a very good way to end the climate of the poem. All around good job, Sard.

[Apollyon]

Ok, it's pretty good but read some of it through and see how it sounds.

"‘Cause they no longer care for their lives

Only for glory they care"

To me that does not sound particularly flowing.

"‘Cause they no longer care for their lives

'Tis only for glory they care"

Would IMO sound better, and the addition of that "Tis" at the start of each of those lines would help the metre in my opinion.

"I am one of them

I long for the death in battle"

I think it would sound better without the 'the' before death. That's just a syntax point really.

"And forward we ride

Hard and fast

Knowing that

Battle soon will be joined"

That's good. Enjambement between the later lines gives a real sense of the speed of the charging cavalry.

All around a good job, I think, and like GhostHunter said, the last stanza is particularly memorable.

[ordos45]

Ditto on that last stanza, it does break away as a wonderful ending.

[The_Sadukar]

Thanks chaps, and Apollyon the poem have been improved as you sugesstet

[lowzeewee]

Nice one. ;)

[Apollyon]

I do wish you people would use the 'Poems' thread for posting these things, it would be much easier and that is what it's there for. ;)

[Jack Leaf]

Man... now I have to make new song! :O

;)

[Cyborg]

Good songs don't roll out on a conveyor belt, Jack.

Remember that.

I liked your poem very much, and it's of good quality.

However, I took note of your two "but"s at the start of the two lines in the middle of the last verse.

Personally, I think this sounds better:

"But others take their place

Though to us it does not matter"

[shygirl4]

its not very romantic :-

[Jack Leaf]

Poem doesn't have to be romantic to be good. Everyone has his/her style. I write a lot of romantic, but in Finnish, and if I am right there's only 3 or 4 guys who can speak Finnish...

[Cyborg]

I like the sad ones best.

And it's a plus if they're allegorical.

Like my "Walking in fields of blight" ;D

[Apollyon]

I've only ever written one romantic poem lol. It's in the poems thread if you want to read it. I prefer deeper poetry over romantic stuff myself.

[The_Sadukar]

As do I

[Inoculator9]

Looks good Sard :) Vaguely, VAGUELY, reminiscent of Sir Alfred Lord Tenison:

"Storm'd at with shot and shell,

Boldly they rode and well,

Into the jaws of death,

Into the depths of hell."

[Apollyon]

And into a travelling salesman

hoping to sell

his latest gadget his all; his life,

despite the wishes of his wife

who had since birth caused him much strife.

...

[Inoculator9]

Apollyon, you are akin to those great Greek poets of old :)

[Apollyon]

Noooooooooooooo

*Bashes head on rock*

God I hate Homer, the annoying bastard. Still, not as bad as Pliny... Although Nema would disagree I'm sure. ;)

[Inoculator9]

Oh faffle potz :P In that case, you're just a complete fart :P

[Apollyon]

Whew. Close call. Rather be a fart than a Greek poet anyday. (no offense to any greek poets out there...)

[Inoculator9]

Argh... ye have insulted me noble honour... a curse on you, may the gods infest your home with lice and whatnot.