The Grinch and other humorous shit

[Mihail]

THE GRINCH THAT STOLE AOL

Every newbie in Newville loved Steve Case a lot.

But the Grinch, who lived just north of Newville, did not.

Oh, he hated the service--all 6 million users.

The lame and the loony, the lonely, the losers.

It could be its logo was making him dizzy.

A dial-up number perpetually busy...

Or strange disconnects, but most likely of all

Was the time he spent waiting on hold when he called!

But whatever the reason, the bumps or the waits,

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating Steve Case.

Staring down at his screen with a sour, net scowl,

While Case sunned in VA with a monogrammed towel.

And he knew every newbie in Chat Rooms tonight

Would now gather in private rooms, clean out of sight.

"And they're sending their IM's!" he snarled with a sneer.

"While they tie up the phone lines, and buy Case's beer!"

Then he scratched his green face in the monitor glowing,

"I MUST find some way to stop AOL from growing."

For Tomorrow, he knew...

..All the AOL vandals

Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their handles.

And then! Oh, the spam! Oh, the Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

That's one thing he hated! The SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!

They would forward chain letters and Dr. Seuss rhymes,

A new virus-warning, that they'd dubbed "Good Times."

And totems for luck or a new snowball toy.

They'd collect business cards for a poor dying boy...

And THEN

They'd do something

He liked least of all!

They'd launch with their modems that AOL call.

They'd rush to their chat rooms, the old and the young

the clueful, the clueless, the smart and the dumb.

And after they finished their e-mail reading,

then IM to IM--the News would start breeding!

They'd breed! And they'd breed!

And they'd BREED! BREED! BREED! BREED!

"It's all Steve Case's fault," the Grinch said with a tisk,

"He's sucked up the market with all of those disks."

And the more the grinch pondered the AOL thug--

"I must stop the whole thing! I must pull the plug!"

"Why I've suffered their spam since at least '94!

And I won't suffer one piece of e-mail anymore!"

"I know just what to do!" he said, stroking his chin.

"I'll pull out their 19-hour routers again!"

It was dark in Virginia, the home of the spam,

As he crept past their now-silent parking lot cam.

He passed a grey chimney, and quick as a whisk,

he stole each and every last white floppy disk!

As he reached the grey buildings, quite slowly he crept

toward the humming computers where chat rooms were kept.

And as up onto AOL's mainframes he climbed

A well-known and tingly sound file chimed

He spun round to confront their security guards,

But a Grinch-to-Case showdown was not in the cards.

That morning a local school's tour passed through,

and the Grinch stood called out by CINDY432!

This Case fan stared accusing with watery eyes,

and said "Why are you shutting down AOL? Why?"

And so needing a dishonest answer to thrive,

He said, "I'm on staff here, and I work for Tech Live!"

"See, a sector near here will consistently fail.

There's a sound file here that won't say 'You've got Mail!'"

"And I merely stopped in to re-service this POP.

(And on Wednesdays we schedule maintenance stops...)"

"So we're fixing the service with all our tech powers.

The whole thing should just take a mere 19 hours."

Then he roamed through the office park stealing their files--

their CD's, and floppies, their modems and dials,

Then the last thing he did--which they ill could afford--

was to scarf up the service's last router cord!

Then he ran to Virginia to gloat from a hill

And he listened for Steve Case's crying so shrill.

For he knew in the morning Case sat down to write

his Community Update to send from the heights.

Steve will find out his service was stripped in the night.

His mouth will hang open, with nothing to write!

And his stock options worthless, he'll cry "I am through!"

Then the AOL users will all cry "Me too!"

And they'll rush off to ISPs, all at one time

and they'll savor the thrill of unlimited time

On a POP with a dial-up that actually answers

And with users besides just the chat room romancers.

But instead the next morning, despite all his lies,

the Grinch read in the papers, they'd doubled in size.

Though his newbies couldn't dial-in, they did something funny:

They continued to give Steve Case all of their money.

And he sulked in his Grinch cave, Virginia skies snowing--

He hadn't stopped AOL's service from growing.

"It came without UNIX.

It came without phones.

It came without chatrooms.

Or Steve Case's tomes."

All the New's kept on using those floppy disks pale,

installing the software that came in the mail,

Convinced that a service just couldn't be that bad

(And deceived by blind faith from that George Jetson ad.)

The Grinch pondered in horror the spams still to come.

"Maybe newbies--real newbies--are just really dumb."

"Maybe god made the clueless for Steve Case to fleece."

Then he set up a filter and left them in peace.

[Mihail]

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since

they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in

the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was

Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept

punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.

I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.

They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into

the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into

its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all

died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you

buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on

the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw

rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had

one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while,

that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call

the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was

only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30

seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish

the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my

freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't

improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the

bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed

to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't

take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends

didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell

they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

[erjin999]

Kind of mental, in a funny sort of way. I liked the monkeys one best.

Wierd.

[Megashrap]

Umm...*scratches head* Kind of mental, in a mentally disturbed sorta way.

[Tako]

tanks for the monkey AK but I have allergies so had to give him to my mother in law  ::)

[bryorama]

I liked the AOL/Grinch one. For all those people who took the time to read it.

[ordos45]

I liked the AOL/Grinch one. For all those people who took the time to read it.

Twas a bit long, but the Grinch did no wrong.  It may not be better for Steve Case, but it is for the net if the routers disappear without a trace.  An inspiring tale, to beware the little disks in the mail.

[Apollyon]

The second one is well-written.

[Seal89999]

Twas a bit long, but the Grinch did no wrong.