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Yes, More funnies from Rogue

rogue1896

By rogue1896
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rogue1896

rogue1896

Posted
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HOW TO BE ANNOYING

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others

that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for

alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting

entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume

properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints

by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal

Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's

roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ

Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"

"Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically

restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.

When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the

tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't

want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a

can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as"Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the

phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce

each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow

down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play

along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is

necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a

notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't

cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward

silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any

moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing

the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard

Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

(This is only a joke lists please don't try this at home)

50 Fun Things To Do At Walmart

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding

them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air

fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin

narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got

a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the

volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so

long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough

for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test

drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.

Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing

field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized

and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them

in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm

Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't

you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,

yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are

any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with

G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he

knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:

Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies

?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various

funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly

make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal

position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the

store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much,

and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

this is just 2 sections. i might make more later. you guys don't have to read em ALL. just a few. but these are REALLY funny. if you don't think so you're delussional.

rogue1896

rogue1896

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Things NOT to say to the nice police officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!

Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a

police

officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's

nightstand

.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to

work at

McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning,

too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us

does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car

around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained

specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell

off my

lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,

forcing me to

speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Whatever you do, don't search my trunk

What exactly is "legally drunk"?

So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

Do you know where I can buy a good radar detector?

If you think this car's fast wait until you see my corvette!

Can you just put that ticket in the large box in the back seat with the

reast of my tickets?

Boy I'm surprised your hear dunkin doughnuts is having a 3 for 1 sale

Can you hurry up your wife is expecting me

Can you hurry up the liquor store closes in five min.

No I don't know how fast I was going the speed gage stops at 110 .

rogue1896

rogue1896

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Twenty five best responses if found asleep at

your desk:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 4 in the morning and look what

happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed

about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy

Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my

hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the

last time management

course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning

a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"

(SLEEP) I learned at the

last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related

stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a

solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the

workaholic!"

2. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen"

VigilVirus

VigilVirus

Posted
Posted

Just wanna share a joke I just heard:

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor.

He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

VigilVirus

VigilVirus

Posted
Posted

Ah, that reminds me of this joke:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's

card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman

who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was

quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to

handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun

in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a

body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told

him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,

and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

DjCiD

DjCiD

Posted
Posted

Marco Polo is a game played in water. one person is blindfolded and all your frineds hide around you. You say "Marco?" they answer "Polo!". this inside walmart is the joke ;)

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