United Airline files Chapter 11, who's next... Santa?

[DjCiD]

From Santa:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve

the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South

Carolina,Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due

to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was

renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the

new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so

keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your

local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side

of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys

to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences

between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba

Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that

reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an

RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't

smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit

can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead

of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one

time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba

Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott

and Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to

hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a

Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and

"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.

Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit

IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars

crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the

wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents

under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

[Mahdi]

See, thats why it's good to be Canadian. Santa's Canadian. So we don't have to worry about him not serving us.

[DjCiD]

Is that why he always ate my Bacon?! and besides I thought Santa was an -ish not an -ian...

[Mahdi]

Nope, the North Pole is in Canada. Santa is a naturalized Canadian.

[DjCiD]

So was he born an -ish and when he moved up North to open up Global Operations he was then forced to be naturalized by those darn Mounties?!

[offtopic] Who would win in a war the Mounties or the Swiss Army? I love their knifes... [/offtopic]

[emprworm]

this is a wonderful example of the greatness of capitalism.

In the 70's United was one of the top 3 airlines of the world. They dominated the market place. Their workforce was a megolithic mass of unions. They decided how the industry would run and how people would fly. Just like a big socialist government.

Then in the 90's you had all these 'little' airlines spring up. They rebelled against the Big Brother UAL. They pay their pilots less and charge less. Their business philosophy was to specialize which was radically different from the mega-giant UAL. They dont go to as many destinations as UAL, but specialize in "northwest' flights, "southern flights," etc.

well, the big socialist grandaddy UAL could not keep up with the times. like the record industry, they tried to 'force' the marketplace to accept what they thought it should be, rather than letting consumer demand shape the market place.

Like a big socialist government, UAL tried to dictate how people would be flying. They tried to tell the public "THIS IS HOW THE INDUSTRY WILL BE AND I DONT CARE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT" and the people, in unity, all stood up and raised high their middle finger at UAL, like a mighty flag banner soaring in the wind, and yelled in glorious, harminous song: "SCREW YOU!"

and the socialist government UAL took a nosedive and fell flat on their big, phat, beuracratic dictatorial antiquated butt.

[Mahdi]

Preety much,except don't think he was forced to becoem a Canadian.

As for a war between Mounties and the Swiss army, the Mounties are police officers, not the military. Plus, the most famous Mountie of all is so famous because he never once even touched his gun,even though there were many a situation when he probably should have, dealing with all those no-good greedy gold digging Americans during the gold rush. Anyone else see a fundamental difference in Canadian/American cultures right there? Wyatt Earp, one of the msot famous American law enforcers of all time, is famous because he was such a quick draw and killed 25 men. Sam Steel, the most famous Mountie of all, is so famous because he never once touched his gun or killed anyone.

[DjCiD]

I was told it was because they didnt have bullets :P ;D

I have a pic of a guy in a boat with a gun mounted in the middle that says 'Join the Canadian Army! Now with a boat!' but doubt its board material so I wont bother to upload ;) I think hes wearing a gasmask too ;D

[Mahdi]

Actually, the Canadian Navy is state of the art. Well, the non-submersable part of the navy is. The submersable part should just stay submersed. Damn Brits sold us lemmons.

[nemafakei]

I'm sorry, but Father Christmas (aka 'Santa') would under normal circumstances be thought of as a terrorist. We all know what Bush thinks about bearded men in odd getups, who operate secret networks, in places Bush has barely head of, to deliver things to America, by means of fast-moving, large airborne objects...

Let alone breaking and entering.

[DjCiD]

I've soiled myself in laughter ;D

I thought G.W. still went to get his pictures taken with on Saint Nick with his wish list ^-^

[Acriku]

Breaking and entering, leaving behind "mysterious and unexplained objects" in which no one is afraid to open. If Santa wanted to he could kill every person who celebrated Christmas. When will Santa turn evil? Maybe the elves will take his wife hostage while he is gone, and force him to do it ;)

[exatreide]

I thought santa was danish?

[DjCiD]

Food?! You thought he was food? man thats dumb... j/k I thought he was an -ish not an -ian ;D

[Anathema]

Does Santa really exist?

There are 2,000,000,000 children (people beneath 18 years) across teh whole world, but because Santa (probably) skips the muslims, hindoes, jews and buddhists, the entire amount of children would be 18.9 % of the total: 378 milliion, according to reliable sources. An average of 3.5 children per household gives a total of 108 million households. We'll assume that per household there is at least one good child (this is an optimistical estimation).

Santa Claus has 31 hours time due to the different timezones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he works from east to west (seems logical). This are 3.48 million houses per hour, or 968 houses per second. This means that per christian household with good children he has 1.033 miliseconds the time to park, jump off the sledge, plant the presents under the tree, climb out of the chimney, start the sledge up agian and procede to the next house. IF we assume that these households are scattered across the world equally (wich woud not be true, but for the sake of the calculations we assume so) we are talking about 1.3 kilometres between 2 households, and a total trip of 140.4 million kilometres. That means that Santas sledge travels with a speed of 1258.1 kilometres per second: 4,194 times the speed of sound. Comparison: the fastest verhicle ever, the spaceprobe Ulysses, only reaches 46 kilometres per second. A standard rendier (forgive spelling) wouldn't reach more then 60 kilometres per hour.

The sledges weight leads to something interesting: assuming a child receives a small box of about 1 kilogram, the sledge tows at least 108 million kilograms, of wich the weight of Santa is still ignored. On land, rendiers can't tow more then 160 kilograms. Even if a flying rendier can tow ten times as much weight as a normal one, we can't accomplish anything with 8 or 9 rendiers, we would need 675,000 (this could be the entire population, wich would explain why we never spotted one). The total weight is now 148.5 million kilograms.

148.5 million kilograms with a speed of 1258,1 kilometres per second would mean a large force of friction. The rendiers would be heated the same way as a space probe wich travels through the Earths atmosphere. The frontal 2 rendiers would abosorb an estimated amount of 14.3 billion kilojoule per second. Probably, this would make them explode and the 2 rendiers behind them would be exposed to the friction.

Also, there would be sound booms as never heard before. In 0.00426 seconds the entire team of rendiers will have exploded. In the meanwhile, Santa would be exposed to G forces equal of 17,000 times normal gravity. A 600 pound Santa Claus would be tossed into the air with a force of 443,150 newton.

Conclusion: if Santa ever delivered presents on Christmas, he's probably dead.

[exatreide]

u forgot eat the milk and cookies.

[rogue1896]

god that was funny. i'm sittin hear in the middle of the library trying to pass time and i read that. i started cracking up and every1 thought i was crazy. lol. funny. ;D