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Jokes Thread Two

GhostHunter

By GhostHunter
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GhostHunter

GhostHunter

Posted
Posted

Want to restart this thread up, it was really good and delivered a good amount of laughs, people just need to continue to post in it this time.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems:

1) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3) Half the people you know are below average.

4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 ) If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9) All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12) OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19) I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

20) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

nemafakei

nemafakei

Posted
Posted

Mostly good, but I fear he has done a fair bit of research (see no. 29); I've heard many before (mostly from Terry Pratchett, especially books written over a dozen years ago).

Atomic Mitten

Atomic Mitten

Posted
Posted

A man goes to his local Doctors and says to his Doc,"You gotta help me doc, I think i'm a moth"

So the doc says , "well you should really go and see a psychiatrist" says the doc !

Oh I was going to, but when I came past your office I saw your light on !

slaphapy

slaphapy

Posted
Posted

2) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

9) All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

30) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

hahahahha

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

i dont' get it what's so funny? I already do all these things ;)

19) I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

25) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

33) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

my new sayings :D

GhostHunter

GhostHunter

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Okay, how about someone else posts some?

Mexican Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Atomic Mitten

Atomic Mitten

Posted
Posted

Two builders on a building site,

one says to the other," you know what I'm gonna do when I get home tonight, first thing when I go through my front door " !

no says the other, what then ?

I'm going to rip my wife's panties off !

Why you gonna do that then says the other ?

Because their killing me , you know they pinch me at the sides and under my balls !

Rotfl ;D

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