Insert Title Here(Small Fantasy Novellette)

[Mihail]

This is a small fantasy novellette that I'm thinking of writing up and sending to a magazine,whatever.Like he thread title,I haven't thought of a title for it yet.Please review like a critic would,what made you bored,places which you didn't understand,cliches that are TOO cliche...d  and anything else you can think of.Thanks in advance! :)

PS:Text in () marks is NOT OOC,text in [] IS.Also,text in italics symbolizes thought

Chapter 1

Felix was leaning against a sparkle tree,idly playing his lyre(As all nymphs like to do) when the faint sounds of rough singing and shouting reached his ever-alert ears.Felix spread his wings,tucked away his lyre and fluttered through the treetops for a while,until he came to the Road,where he saw many companies of strange creatures yelling and shouting in strange tongues,carrying great swords and shields of metal,hacking at trees and plants,looking around with eyes Felix couldn't see under their dark black fur.

The nymph withdrew his head back into the treetops,deep in thought.

Who are these strange creatures...of darkness and hate and coarse voices?What are they doing here,in Hyperborea?Are they the Men or Orks of old legend,finally here through some unknown vortex?Why are they heading for the Old Mountains?And why is that dark spot growing ever larger?I will have to ask Gartha...

And with that,Felix turned and sped back to Ceb.

[ExSPlug]

Try not to use too much commas and divide the sentences...

[Vanguard3000]

You'll need to flush it out.  A lot.  take some time to describe Felix's surroundings before going right into the story itself.  You'll want to do this not only to draw the reader into your world, but to personify Felix's own lazy/carefree manner at this point.

[bryorama]

What Vanquard said, other then that, very good. *Thumbs Up*  :)

[Mihail]

K,thanks.I'll keep it in mind,and will soon rewrite it. :)

[Mihail]

Chapter 1

An aging iron nymph stormed out of his workshop."FELIX!WHERE ARE YOU?I'M GOING TO KILL YOU WHEN YOU COME BACK!"The nymph bellowed,hi face turning from a dull gey to a livid purple.

    Felix was sitting safely in the shade of a sparkle tree,on the edge of the Old Forest,idly playing his lyre(As all nymphs like to do) when the faint sounds of shouting reached his ever-alert ears.At first the young nymph ignored it,thinking it to be old Gasur,and flitted a bit further into the forest.But it seemed to grow louder,and wasn't coming from town.It was coming from the...Road?

    Felix spread his wings,tucked away his lyre and fluttered through the treetops for a while,until he came to the Neverending Road,where he saw at least 4 companies of strange creatures yelling and shouting in strange tongues,carrying great swords and shields of metal,hacking at trees and plants,looking around with eyes Felix couldn't see under their dark black fur.

The nymph withdrew his head back into the treetops,deep in thought.

Who are these strange creatures...of darkness and hate and coarse voices?What are they doing in Hyperborea?Are they the Men or Orks of all the old legends,and have come here through some unknown vortex?Why are they heading for the dark spot on the Spine of the World?I know!Old Gartha will know!

And with that,Felix turned and sped back to Ceb,forgetting all about his smithsmaster and his anger...

[sorry for the shortness,but I fixed a few things in it,although not too much]

[lowzeewee]

It's good but there are a few grammatical errors and spelling errors I spotted:

Paragraph 1->"hi face"->His face

~->"dull gey"->Dull grey

Also, leave a space when you start a word when a full stop/comma before it.

Yeah that's my 2 cents, or 1 euro-cent. :D

[Cyborg]

Remember that after exclamation marks, commas, periods and question marks, you must insert a space...

[lowzeewee]

expression marks

Exclaimation marks

[bryorama]

Exclaimation marks

Exclamation marks.

[Cyborg]

Forgot that.

Fixed.