Life, the Universe & Everything: Fenceposts at Dawn

[Dragoon Knight]

How weak!  You're so weak!  I'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE WEAK, SO YOU HAVE TO BE WEAK NOW, OK?

I'm doing so well, you know.  Despite everyone else telling me that I'm stupid, wrong and - ha! - CRAZY, I feel more confident than ever.  I've accomplished tasks, you know!  These must have been to lose all credibility and to emulate Navaros / emprworm, but by JOVE I've accomplished the HELL out of them!

Everyone is telling me that I'm wrong, but the joke's on them!  Everyone is wrong except me!

I'm so confident.

[Dante]

Bored now.

*Throws Mathematics textbooks into the portal*

[Dragoon Knight]

DOHOHOHOHO!  All I need is a moustache to twiddle and I'd be complete!

Wait, what are those... ARGH!  PURE LOGIC!  Get them away from me!

SAAAAAVE THE HAAAAAT!

*Takes hat off, throws it across the room, gets hit in the face with textbooks*

Ooh, Heinemann Mathematics 5.  With the Egyptian Safari thingy on the front.  Oh look!  The tow hook is disguised as a 5 - always liked that bit.

[Dante]

Where they hid the number of the textbook as an object in the picture on the front cover?

[Dragoon Knight]

Yeah, that!  I miss those textbooks.

What were we talking about again?  I feel like maybe it might have been important; that someone had the notion that it was a worthwhile discussion and that it would - or should - be remembered for its importance and how important it was.  Important.

[Dante]

Just a bunch of nonsense. Incidentally, I require a textbook on millinery.

[Dragoon Knight]

This was a triumph,

I've won everything: you lose, you suck.

It's hard to fill my ego any further.

I made up science.

I did it because, um, I forget.

For the sake of sour grapes.

They make a bitter wine.

But there's no point listening to anyone else

they can shout all they want, I'll ignore every yell,

'cos I know that I'm right

and I'll argue through the night

on the premise that we were designed.

I'm not even joking.

I honestly think I've won the war.

Even though I couldn't argue for shit.

Ignored my opponents.

Basically argued with the air.

Isn't it a wonder that

There's not a statue of me?

[Dante]

Now I think that I am just the cock of the walk

and I still don't see that I'm a laughable dork.

My hyperbole's the best

and my logic fathomless

but I still say that we're all designed.

So go ahead and argue.

It won't make any difference now.

I'm too far gone to listen to your 'data.'

Or 'rational debate.'

(THAT WAS A JOKE, HAHA, UR DUM).

Anyway, the bible sez,

that Richard Dawkins is wrong.

Look at me, still talking when there's gloating to do,

it's completely baseless but I've got to beat you,

so I'll try to act smug

and pretend that I can shrug

and behave as if we're all designed.

I still believe that we're all designed.

By a designer who must have designed.

I mean it's obvious that we were designed.

I can't be wrong saying we were designed.

And that everything else was designed.

All designed.

All designed...

[Dragoon Knight]

"I'm glad we finally got that sorted out, " Dragoon said, wiping his brow.

"It is the sworn duty of all sensible people to point out those who are wrong, " affirmed Dante.

"You're not going to start with that chafing business again, are you?"

"There are no certainties in this life.  No absolutes.  Except your failure."

"Wait just a bloody second, " Dragoon exclaimed, clearly incensed.  "This is my post, and I'm still getting called a failure by you?"

"Without a common enemy, you and I must fight to the death.  We've both said things you're going to regret, " Dante explained, calmly producing a blockbuster movie trilogy, then sharpening the Oscar into a rudimentary blade.  There was an ominous rumbling; though miles apart, communicating by magic, both Dante and Dragoon felt it.

"You had to jinx it, didn't you?" Dragoon asked, a mixture of calm mirth and abject horror.

"Let it be known that I blame you, " Dante announced, placing the Oscarblade down with exaggerated care.  "Now this is happening."

Time and space adjusted themselves without much fuss, but you should have seen the paperwork afterwards.  Both Dante and Dragoon now stood in a concrete-walled basement, lit by a single, swaying incandescent bulb.

"Well, it's been breached, " Dante stated with a shrug.

"All that ignorance.  We spent years capturing that.  That prison is meant to be impenetrable!" Dragoon cried, stepping forward to investigate.  The wall in front of him was ruptured, and the remains of an intricate locking mechanism lay mangled on the floor.

"Blaaaaame blame blame..." Dante chanted asbsent-mindedly, examining the shape and extremity of the destruction.

"How long do you think we have?" Dragoon asked, knowing that the abomination now loose was of particular annoyance to Dante.

"Oh about three seconds."

"Good job we're back, then, " Dragoon said, and they were.  So much paperwork.

From the portal, a palpable aura of frustrated indignation emanated, engulfing the two.

"I've held him off for as long as I can, " the wolf's voice filtered past, uncharacteristically angry.  "He's immune to logic, reasoning, sense..."

"Still, we must try, lest the world think that this sort of idiocy can be left unchallenged, " Dragoon put in.

"Really?" Dante asked, raising an eyebrow.  "I just planned to hate at him."

"That works, too, " Dragoon replied, cracking his knuckles.

"Good luck, " the wolf said, drifting into the ether.  "I just hope you're prepared for the magnitude of his failings..."

"Say a word and I will end you, " Dragoon said with a pointed look towards his purple comrade.

"Spoilsport."

[Dante]

Through the mists of the portal, a shapeless red-purple mass began to swirl towards the opening.

"Have to give it to that wolf," Dante said, quickly hiding a textbook under some fabric swatches and thread, "he's managed to hold the fort quite well."

"Not many could hold off that... thing for so long and still have a sense of hope for humanity."Replied Dragoon, popping a lozenge in preparation for the verbal barrage to come.

"Helps that he's a wolf, I suppose. Oop, heads up, here he comes."

The oozing mass of ignorance positioned itself in front of the portal, facing towards Dragoon.

"Thank god the shit comes from the other end." Dante said, his voice muffled.

"GOD HATES HOMOSEXUALS." The idiocy incarnate exclaimed, its voice nasal and obnoxious.

"Tell me what he's saying, I can't hear him." came Dante's voice, threading its way through the endless void.

"Hang on, let me get the voice right, then." Dragoon replied with a shout.

"I AM ALWAYS RIGHT."

"Shut up." Dragoon continued. "Ahem. No, that's not right... AHEM. No, closer though..."

"Just hurry up and stop failing, we can't let this thing run rampant for long." Dante instructed.

"Alright already! Ahem! Ah, there we go. Do go on, you insufferable idiot."

[Dragoon Knight]

Now let's talk about Dune.  You see Chapterhouse is at an end, and this is relevant to our conversation about sex. 

Don't you see that gay people need help?!  All they do is lead lives filled with orgies with a million men at a time, all of them shoving their manhood in places that no straight person would ever dare go!  They're all carriers of the dreaded HIV, and none of them are capable of participating in a monogamous relationship.

Believe me, because my all-encompassing and totally-not-biased experience has taught me everything I could possibly need to know about homosexuality.  Plus, the Bible totally has my back on this.

[Dante]

That's a good impression.

[Dragoon Knight]

Thanks.  I tried to capture the essence of everything that could possibly be wrong with the world and then turn it into a voice.  It was challenging, but I'd like to thank the vocal team; none of this would have been possible without those long months of training, and-

[Dante]

That�s nice.

In response: even if I believed in god, which I don't, the bible doesn't even nearly have your back on this. If you go by the Old Testament, then you needs must include all of the other stupid restrictions that your sky-wizard imposed on mankind. Prawns, for example. Old diddlysquat objected quite strongly to prawns. We've not long finished telling a certain hat all of this. Didn't you keep up?

[Dragoon Knight]

Do you want to talk about Paul?  We could talk about Paul if you like.

[Dante]

What? Why do you keep completely abandoning the subject? No-one's mentioned Dune. At all.

EVER.

[Dragoon Knight]

You're not answering my questions.  You need to have a proper discussion with me.  I am the master of proper discussions.  I should know, because the voices in my head tell me that I'm great.

I'm sorry if you're upset by my dirty words.  Here is a list of dirty words that you should be upset by:

- Cavity

- Waste canal

- Deposit

- Seminal fluid

- Lower colon

- Fecal matter

- Breast

- Anal

- Vagina

- Pudendum

- Homunculus

Also, I happen to know a guy who says that his mother's uncle's best friend's daughter's husband's sister's dog's vet's brother's wife's niece's teacher's son is A GAY and is a TOTAL WHORE.  So every other gay man must be the same.

[Dante]

What.

[Dragoon Knight]

Listen, I know about the gays.  Not gay women, you understand, because I can only focus on gay men.  They occupy my thoughts all the time.  They come in my mou-HOMELESS SHELTER and tell me how horrible their lives are.

Then I tell them how horrible their lives are.

But here's the trick, see.  I make sure they know it's because I, er, THEY like the cock.  I launch into a self-righteous diatribe that ensures they think that, because they possess a genetic disposition to being attracted to the same gender, their lives are hollow, meaningless and devoid of all hope.  Unless they stop being gay, of course.

Some people might say this is impossible.  But look at me!

Wait, no.

[Dante]

I was debating whether I should feel sorry for you or be possessed of a rage akin to the white-hot fiery magma of the Earth's core. I'm happy to reveal that the latter prevailed, you hopelessly deluded little turd.

Before I rip into you like a diamond-tipped halberd into a rotting, putrescent pig corpse, do you have anything else to add?

[Dragoon Knight]

*Yawn*

He who controls the spice, controls the universe.  I'm prepared to talk about sex.

Now I may not know the difference between transsexuals and transvestites, but honestly, who needs to know these kinds of things when engaging in a discussion about sexuality?  Never mind that we weren't meant to be discussing it in the first place, it's you that keeps bringing it up, not me.  Despite this being blatantly false and me doing nothing but shitting up every single recent discussion with my own, hateful agenda, I AM NOT A LIAR.

And I married a minority to prove I'm not a racist!  You see, it's important to show everyone that, just because she's a minority, doesn't mean that she can't mingle with the rest of us!  HOW IS THIS RACIST, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

[Dante]

Alright, here we go.

Homosexuality is not a choice; it is a defining factor of a person's being. Male or female, homosexuals are born, not made or brainwashed into existence. As they grow, they will eventually understand their feelings towards their own gender. It is innate; as immutable as eye colour, in that if you try to change it, you will fuck that person up. Your pathetic little mind cannot grasp these basic concepts and yet you still persist in arguing, based on your own repressed sexual urges and all-encompassing fear of them.

Homosexuality does not necessitate having wild orgies, or STDs, or drunken lifestyles. How is it that you can - in almost the same breath - claim that they engender nothing but debauchery and abominable behaviour among themselves, as well as being among the most wealthy and best-treated sector of society? How can you say that the majority of homosexuals are living in gutters, shooting semen in every direction at once, while simul-fucking-taneously saying that they are also living the high-life with a billion dogs named PRECIOUS?!

You arrogant, twisted, hopelessly lost, racist idiot. Do not think that you are the first of your type to be quashed around here. There have been many like you, not the least of which was an extremely (and we're talking remedial, here) Stupid Hat. Every failure to answer a question is noted; every blas�gnorance of a point is taken into account. You hopelessly irredeemable, microcephalic, gash-faced toad-swallowing, garbage-licking-

I�m out of adjectives. Bring me a thesaurus!

[Dragoon Knight]

There's one on your bookshelf.

[Dante]

Ah, Roget�s Thesaurus, from the Penguin Reference Library. Very good.

There are leeches sucking blood from festering sores that have more compassion than you. There are rocks at the centre of the Earth with a better understanding of humanity.

You are a mentally and emotionally disfigured grotesquery of nature. A bald, suppurating wound upon your country and your people. A foul, stinking, inconsequential, miserable blight to everyone around you. You wretched, deplorable, loathsome, nauseating, reprehensible, scum-sucking, depraved, sordid, gelid heap of GANGRENOUS AFTERBIRTH, everything about you is wrong, ugly, misshapen, dirty, repugnant and vulgar.

I am running out of words to describe you, you oafish, clodhopping, hunchbacked, brainless, worm-eating waste of genetic material. You putrescent, mildew-munching accidental progeniture of a drunken encounter in a seedy alley, go perform cunnilingus on an obese sow, it is all you are good for.

Know that for every day that passes, more gay people are born somewhere in the world.  They span the globe, have done since time immemorial.  They are teachers, doctors, electricians, actors, neighbours, brothers, sisters, teenagers, elderly, religious, atheistic, black, white, fat, thin, happy, depressed, left and right handed and they will all be a damn sight better off when you finally burn in hell.

[Dragoon Knight]

Can it be my turn now?  I know someone in real life that I'd like to be saying this to.