Davidu Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Intro.The huge metal structure over Ilan was quite busy. Since the Headquarters of the Response Fleet 4 were dispatched into the quadrant the space-station over Ilan became a hub of trading, not only a military outpost.The quadrant was a rogue region, and the Human Directorate decided to pacify and control the region. It was believed that the region had important resources, and besides, a mostly human region left out of the HD's control? That was outrageus!---The man walked with enough self-confidence to show that he wasn't a push-over, but his face expressed the curiosity and energy of a youngster, not the calm and self-control of a fighter-pilot. - Hello. - SIR! - Excuse me, room 5893? - Right, left, right and right again. That is the 5800's sector. - Er... Thanks. - No problem.The man picked up his sack and moved on. Quite a weird appearance: a guy in a parade uniform with a sack on the shoulder full of clothes and God-knows-what. - Hey, man, wassup with the outfit? - Well, I like it better. - Look at the guy? Hey! I'm talking to you!The pilot stoped, turned and walked to the soldier who was looking for trouble. - Well, fly boy? What'cha gonna do? Fry my ass with yer lasers?The pilot slowly put the sack down and in an instant had his hand deep in the soldier's throught. - You were saying?The soldier tried to say something while cluthcing his hands on the pilot's arm. - Listen, man, don't bother me with this shit again.And the pilot let the soldier go, picked up the sack and moved on the endless corridors.At a crossroad, a rather small screen showed the lates news:"... light skirmishes at the HD - Kvash border... new planet colonised in the Goran system... the HD military continues bombing of Foth rebel planet... "But the pilot though all of this was normal. He grew up with this kind of news.As he reached the 5800 sector he realised that was the "fly-boys'" sector. On the corridor he now saw dark-blue-ish uniforms, not the dark-green uniforms of the soldiers. The guys were playing cards on the corridor, or drinkig, or just chatting. - Wha... a new guy... said some shaggy character. Peace, man, I'm Snarl. - Hi there... Snarl. I'm ... Spot. - Wha?.. That's not a name! - Callsing. - Ah! I'm... er... Mark Gomar. - Sven Parr. - Wha... what a name...Sven looked round at the other guys that were, by now, staring at him. - Snarl is a bit high right now. But he's one of the best pilots here, said a rather dark guy in a doorway. - No, man, I'm the best there is! shouted someone a bit far away. - No way shithead, I'm the best! - Er... good to see I've got good comrades. - Yeah. What's with the outfit? - You're gonna laugh, but it was my only clean thing I had. - Well, then I ain't gonna keep you if you're stinkin'! the black guy laughed. By the way, I'm Bob "Hatch" Jefferson. - Yup. Nice to see you.As he eneterd the room, Sven felt right at home in the small metal coffin that was called "quarter". Enough room for a bed, a small table and a storage compartiment. Seemed like the Military really tried to make the men bond. No individuality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowzeewee Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Not bad... ??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davidu Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 Not ready yet... that's the intro. Should be a bit movie-like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuvollari Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Lol...I couldnt read it all :( too long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowzeewee Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Lol...I couldnt read it all :( too long.Too long? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davidu Posted November 18, 2005 Author Share Posted November 18, 2005 So... actually it's too boring... Man, i tried not to create such a high intensity thing as I did in the last fanfic. I mean... it was just too compressed, so I tried to air it up a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mihail Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 I think you "aired it up" a bit too much. It seemed too casual for me, relaxed. Of course, this is probably me, since I don't like slang words(Wassup, yo).Ā ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davidu Posted November 18, 2005 Author Share Posted November 18, 2005 Hmm... yeah, I thought that too... maybe I'll rewrite it. Anyway... I'll move on when I'll have some more time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuvollari Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Anyway nice jobĀ ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExSPlug Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Not bad, assuming it's a intro only. But you will need more tension after this IMO.I actually like the use of slangs, somehow adds more depth to characters.And spellcheck, quite a bit of words are mispelled :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davidu Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 I don't think I have time to continue it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.