new story

[syeline]

forget it..

[Dante]

I don't usually review things (I find it so difficult to align my thoughts properly) but since I was asked by IM I guess I could give it a shot...

The plot is interesting, though it could do with something to make it a bit more personal. Something different from the author. This isn't really what I want to say though...

Trying to say it in as nice a way as possible... you really need to work on your grammar. Nobody will notice if a story is any good or not if they find it difficult to read. Capital letters aren't so bad but putting full stops and commas in the right place really helps. Sorry if I sound overly negative here, I'm not a very positive person. ;) Still, I think once the grammar is worked out you should be coasting along nicely.

Also, one more thing, did you mean to write 'crimson blue' ? Crimson is red, like scarlet... Maybe you meant a mix of the two colours, like a purplish...?

[Jack Leaf]

Well, I have to say, the grammar is rather horrible. Also, (mainly because of the grammar) the story is a bit confusing. There isn't also much detail, which makes it even more confusing. You don't explain the size of the floater, how high are they floating (rather low I guess, if you can shoot a flying object with rocket launcher) and etc.

The "plot"/idea is rather old and a bit clich

[syeline]

aight thank u guys. i wasn't really focusing on the grammer part. i jus kinda jotted it out to pitch the idea and see if u guys liked it. i'm gonna fix it up. The crimson thing i messed up i forgot crimson was red i ment teal blue. ya it is kinda cliched but wait to u see the other parts. they shouldn't be cliched. i m not very discriptive n this i realized i am gonna redo the first part again before i post of the second chapter. What is cliched in your mind about the first chapter so i can try n change it

[Dragoon Knight]

I agree with both Dustie and Jack Leaf when they point out your grammar mistakes... when those are sorted, then you can move on to more integral issues.

I think that what we find clich

[Dunenewt]

- Lastly, don't write sound effects.

[syeline]

thanx guys. the grammar problems have been fixed. i copy n pasted to word and fixed it up. your suggestions are really gonna help the story thanx. N e  of u play ever quest? or online rpg that require u to type fast? i play e.q. and i type with shortened words n bad grammar. I gotta learn to fix that lol.

  (I also wasn't really gonna focuse on ghrammar that mnuch jus pitch out the plot n see if u guys wanted more.

[syeline]

****i fixed that code thing once i read my story for the billionth time i thought the code part was a bit dumb. i edited out. that was a real dragger. right now im working on an old mythical story. ill be come back to this later**** incase u guys ont read in the story i posted it in a different post. working on a new story based in older times.