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The Mariner of Golden Dawn


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hey guys! havent posted here in awhile! this is my new story that is based in the books written by Tolkien. It is a story that happens long ago in the First Age. I hope you guys like it. This is just the preface to the entire story.

This tale is one little spoken of, and in the Fourth Age all but a few of the Edain still remember it. The Eldar and their kin see this story as a children's tale, but on the contrary! For rare is it when a man so loves that which he cannot see, that he sails to a place without assurance or hope of ever returning alive. This story is of which I will tell you comes from the First Age. The age of the dawn of man, and of the foredooming of the exiles of middle earth. There are few stories that have lived beyond the ancient age, and even fewer that deal with mankind. This story holds deep sway in my heart, and ever since I heard it from my departed mother it has sparked something inside of me that few other tales have. It is a strange tale indeed when there is actual communication between Eru and the Edain, the second born. Out of the undying love for Iluvatar and of the search for truth, Mursil sailed to places that had previously never been touched by those who came before the Eldar race. I speak of this story out of my own love for the Father of Ages. I am old in my age and soon await to see waht lies beyond the circles of earth. I hope beyond all hopes that it is what many great scholars have spoken of. I wish to leave this earth and see what Mursil saw; that is the face of Eru. What he will sing to me I do not know. I do know though in my heart of hearts that it will be all that I have ever longed to hear.

This will be the last tale written by my hand, as I feel the time coming soon when I will give my spirit to Iluvatar. I will entrust it to the Thain of the great smials, who promised to honor me by placing it in the Red Book. I will not be here to see it, but I give it as my last gift to all creatures of middle earth.

Aragorn, Son of Arathron: Heir to Arnor and King of Arnor and Gondor.

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"This story is of which I will tell you comes from the First Age"

Omit 'is'.

Foredooming?

Too many 'tales', I thought.

Quite well written, but a bit dense and ar rimes verbose for my liking.

Also, how can Aragorn be both heir and King of Arnor at the same time?

Keep going with it, though, it certainly has potential.  :)

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thanks! (by the way I have seen things like that written by royalty. It means that they didnt usurp any throne to be where they were, in other words saying "rightful ruler of -insert nation here-".lol)

again thanks on the comments though! :) will have more soon.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Mursil looked at his son one last time before entering his small and humble boat. He could see a white shimmer on his cheek, and knew that his only child was grieving. Mursil whispered a lost word of love to him and pushed off.

~~~

Gulls flew by, trailing the small craft that Mursil had made. The vast and holy sea sang to him as the waters ebbed and flowed on the corners of the boat. After a few hours he dropped the sails and prepared for sleep, while allthe while he thought of what would come of his journey.

Ormwe had made it a quiet journey so far, but he had not gone as far as he had hoped. He could still see the vast shore line of Beleriand.

With one last soft song to himself he laid down on a bedroll that he sprawled in the cramped corners of the craft. The hiss of the sea was soothing and yet at the same moment overwhelming. For some reason he could not sleep that night, and so stirred up in a daze. When he looked upon the water something amazed him.

The sea had laid out a glowing road for him. A bright color of green trailed on and on for many fathoms. At first confusion entered into his heart, and he did not know what to do. He had heard of many fearful tales of the sea and suspected something dangerous of this omen. He then decided to set sail and flee from the brilliant road of water. After a few minutes the glowing trail could barely be seen. and this is where his journey began.

Below he could hear gurgles out of the water. He pulled out a short lance and began to angle his sail back towards the brightness of the waterpath that he was before afraid of. Then in an instant out of the water a head unveiled itself.

~~~

Ill write the next in a little bit, I think this will be good though hehe :)  kinda really short but I gotta go to the store so ill pick it up in a bit.

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"Mursil looked at his son one last time before entering his small and humble boat"

You could remove 'small' from there, it's unnecessary imo.

"The vast and holy sea sang to him as the waters ebbed and flowed on the corners of the boat"

I never thought of water as ebbing and glowing 'on corners'. I think 'around' or even 'off' would work better.

"Ormwe had made it a quiet journey so far, but he had not gone as far as he had hoped. He could still see the vast shore line of Beleriand."

Is Ormwe a god or something? And to whom doe the subsequent 'he's refer? It seems a bit ambiguous.

The same is true with the following paragraph:

"The sea had laid out a glowing road for him."

Generally it's a good idea to restate nouns when beginning a new paragraph instead of substituting them for pronouns.

"A bright color of green trailed on and on for many fathoms"

Fathoms is a measure of depth isn't it? Perhaps knots is better?

"and suspected something dangerous of this omen"

From this omen? I know you're going for the oldywoldy archaic language, but this just sounded a bit silly. :P

"Below he could hear gurgles out of the water"

Noun thingy again.

--------------------

Those are pretty small niggles, and it was a pretty good read overall. Watch out for overusing 'he' as subject in most of your main clauses because it can end up sounding like a list of statements. Glad to see you're continuing with this so keep it up. :)

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  • 1 month later...

"A bright color of green trailed on and on for many fathoms"

Fathoms is a measure of depth isn't it? Perhaps knots is better?

How about leagues? Sounds old worldy

Ah! this is quite refreshing after all those threads about killing, and macho monkeying. Thanx TMA-1, keep it up! ;) :)

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fathoms can be an amount of depth, but it is also used for long distance measurements like a rough equivilant to a mile, a very rough one though. Ill keep it up i have been gone for awhilke though.

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