The Truth in the Eye (Short Story)

[GhostHunter]

[Dragoon Knight]

Excellent stuff, Ghost.  Keep writing!  I want to hear the rest of this story!

I like this style of writing - you're writing her thoughts as they form, intertwining them with the story's progression.  It creates a genuine air of suspense.  I'm afraid you've got me interested now, and failure to continue writing this piece of work, which has promise to be brilliant, will result in a lynch mob at your door. :)

[Vanguard3000]

What Dragoon said.

Interesting-sounding story, and well written.  I hope to see more.

[Seal89999]

Excilent Ghost!

I really love how your work in so much detail, it really adds to the beef of the story. I also liked the thoughts concept. It works well in these high stress/suspence situations. Keep it up! Looking forward to more....and as Dragoon said.....lack of more will result in a lynch mob...  :)

[snc4113]

You know how I feel about it. Excellent work.. and of course, I agree about the lynch mob.

[ordos45]

Interesting indeed.  :)  You get a real feel for the character and her nervousness about all of what's going on, as well as the sense of her knowing she's just a pawn in a much larger picture.

[GhostHunter]

Okay, I said two chapters would be done but its only going to be this one considering its a little bit lengthy.

Chapter Two

God will avenge our deaths, for we are his greatest children

- Turb Ewicthz: last recording of the 5th legion

The pungent scent of death arose from the training ground, a 7th legion soldier stood victorious over a lifeless corpse. Slowly he put his dagger back into its sheath and bowed; honoring the old dueling tradition.

[Vanguard3000]

There are two things in particular that I liked about this chapter.  The first is your backstory regarding wormhole-travel.  Methods of interstellar travel in sci-fi always interests me, and this is no exception.  I like how the process involved is still, after so very many years, largely a mystery.  Only it's long-dead inventor may have truly understood the process completely.  It's interesting that he would have considered himself to be a messiah of sorts, bringing civilization to the stars.  And if no one else over ten millenia (do I have that right?) has been able to figure out what he was doing, could he not be considered a sort of saviour to the people?  I hope to read more about this Ballin, which would presumable be closest to uncovering the mystery.

Another thing I liked was the idea of people challenging the Legionnaires for money.  It's an interesting way for this great military force to prove its power to the universe.  If a sixteen year old trainee can beat some of the best challengers, then who would dare go up against the entire Legion?

As far as the technical aspect goes, I think it was well-wriiten.  I like how you chose to show the reader Talon's thoughts and observations, such as the slight grin his trainer bears at one point.  This in itself almost shows his training, how he has been tought to notice the subtlest body language.

[snc4113]

OMG! I told you, and you know it, that you're an awesome writer.  Great job! :D

[Inoculator9]

Excellent job Ghosthunter :)