Jokes

[Dude_Doc]

This is pretty funny:

Subject: Cats and Dogs

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:

Day 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY: Day 183

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 184

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

Day 185

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 186

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 187

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 188

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time!

[Dude_Doc]

This one too:

This is sung to the tune of

"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands"...

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.

If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.

If the terrorists are frisky,

Pakistan is looking shifty,

North Korea is too risky,

Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.

If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.

So to hell with the inspections,

Let's look tough for the elections,

Close your mind and take directions,

Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.

Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.

They've got weapons we can't see,

And that's good enough for me

'Cos it's all the proof I need

Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.

If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.

If you think Saddam's gone mad,

With the weapons that he had,

(And he tried to kill your dad),

Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.

If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.

If your politics are sleazy,

And hiding that ain't easy,

And your manhood's getting queasy,

Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.

For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.

Disagree? We'll call it treason,

Let's make war not love this season,

Even if we have no reason,

Bomb Iraq.

It's old, but hey, fun to "sing".

[nampigai]

ok I have one:

Bush and Rumsfeld is taking in a bar

suddenly Powell drops by

Powell "oi, you two! what are you talkin' bout?"

Rumsfeld "well... we are planning the 3rd world war, we will kill all moslems and ONE dentist"

Powell "why a dentist"

Rumsfeld to Bush "see, I told you no one would notice the moslems"

[bryorama]

Lol nice keep it up :O

[nampigai]

ok I have a morning joke, in Denmark we have are rather large bridge connecting Denmark with Sweden. (remember now I just got out of bed, so there may be some typos)

Manual for payment when crossing the oresund bridge.

Males

1.

drive up to the terminal

2.

roll down window and pay

3.

drive on.

Females

1.

drive up to the terminal

2.

put the car in reverse

3.

drive up to the terminal

4.

start the engine

5.

drive up to the terminal

6.

put the car in reverse

7.

STOP

8.

Stick the card into the terminal

9.

take the card out

10.

turn the card around

11.

stick the card in to the terminal

12.

take the card out

13.

drive on.

14.

put the car in 1st gear

15.

drive on

16.

start the engine again

18.

release the handbrake

19.

drive on

20

*sigh* have a nice day.

[Inoculator9]

Sexist :P Liked the cat and the dog thing, along with the great song. Here is a non-political joke of my own:

Guy walks into bar, cuts his finger, sits down. Guy says "Ooops, I've got blood on my stool".

[bryorama]

ha