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GhostHunter

A Power Now Decenigrated

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Hey, just wrote up a rough draft for a ff, please dont add on, just tell me what you think about it, k thanks :).

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Pausing like he actually was considering the demand John spoke in a almost carefree manner "Oh, we shall be eliminated you say? Well Thalix, we shall have to see about that, wont we?" Before the Thalix General could respond the Commander yelled "All forces attack!" The fleet moved into the atmosphere, the battle for Caladan had begun.

Every time someone starts speaking, you should start a new line.

Represenitives

Spelling error: Representatives

The sun glared down upon the pundi rice field, not a cloud in the sky either Bryan Williams thought to himself.

I think the structure should be something like this:

The sun glared down upon the pundi rice field.

Not a cloud in the sky either, Bryan Williams thought to himself.

troops landing down

I think you should say either: troops landing or troops touching down in their ships. Troops landing down just doesn't seem to sound right, IMO.

sweat dripped down from his blond hair and done his slim face with blue eyes he truly questioned if that revolt would ever truly come to be.

Lol. Sweat dripping down his hair? He must either be really hot or really scared then. Nice description though. 8) Oh yeah, and I suggest getting rid of one of the 'truly' words. It's been repeated too soon.

The whistle blowing throughout the fields

I think you should say: The sound of the whistle blowing throughout the fields or as the whistle blew throughout the fields...

Doesn't sound right :P

Go easy on the paragraphs and tabs as well. You should only start a new paragraph when you're talking about something new or going on to a new section or chapter. If you're generally talking about the same thing or same scenario, don't make a new paragraph. At least that's how I've been taught.

Apart from the spelling mistake and the grammer stuff etc, etc, this is a great rough draft. Of course, all this is just IMHO and how I've been taught, I may be wrong about some things.

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Hey dont dis his speeling.

Im noot dissing his speeling, Im juste correctieing his mistakeas becaorse i fink it wud have bean bad if he left it alonne. ::)

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