News Bulletin

[Mahdi]

In an aggressive move this morning, President Bush ordered the deployment of

Air Force squadrons to the areas of Ireland, New England, and Georgia.

"This is part of our war against terrorism," he stated. "I have meant

everything that I have said. It is time we show these people that America

will not tolerate terrorism."

When asked why those three targets, Colin Powell took the podium. "Dublin

is obvious," he stated. "There is clear evidence suggesting that the Irish

government and people are harboring IRA bombers that have attacked innocent

people in Ulster and London."

"Carpet-bombing Boston," Powell continued, "Is the logical next step

against IRA terrorists. Maybe there are no IRA safehouses or contribution

networks in Boston, but maybe I'm Nancy Kerrigan. The fact is, we're pretty

sure, and we feel confident about airstrikes at this point."

Bush also made it clear that these terrorists were "freedom-hating

religious fanatics, absolute madmen," from a violent fringe religious group

known only to the west as "The Roman Catholic Church." When asked where the

RCC's underground headquarters were, Bush responded "Our best guess is

somewhere in Italy," but assured that airstrikes would be sent as soon as

they had a closer fix on the charismatic leader of the sect.

When asked if the airstrikes against Atlanta were also against IRA and RCC

supporters, Bush once again deferred to Colin Powell. Powell stated, "The

US government has been gathering information on an unrelated terrorist

organization in that part of the world for a long time now. This

organization has led many terrorist bombings of churches and epidemic

levels of execution-style murders." When asked about the identity of this

terrorist network, he said "We believe they call themselves the 'Ku Klux

Klan,' or KKK for short. Many of their operatives are associated with the

violent fringe religious group known as the 'Southern Baptist Convention'.

We believe that they may even have members placed in local governments,and

in this case believe saturation bombing to be the best steps for the US to

take."

When asked if the residents of Dublin, Boston, and Atlanta could do

anything to avoid being bombed, Bush appeared frustrated. "Our policy has

always been the same. If they don't want to get hit, and get hit hard, they

need to turn over these terrorists at once. Otherwise they deserve

everything they get." He appeared confused when asked if the terrorists

would merely flee to other cities when the airstrikes began, leaving only

innocent people in the crossfire.

CNN's own Eric Mitton reached one Atlanta resident for comment: "I heard

what Bush said, and so I got a group of friends together. We knew that the

KKK were going to have a rally downtown yesterday, so we grabbed some

axe-handles and decided to go apprehend the terrorist leaders. We thought

we could pitch some money together and even fly them to the Hague for

trial. But when we got to the rally, the police pushed us back, giving such

excuses as "freedom of speech and assembly," and "innocent until proven

guilty." We KNEW these people were guilty! They're part of the terrorist

network, right? Put the police wouldn't let us get to them. Two of my

friends were even arrested."

The resident sadly added, "Well, as long as I can't stop Bush from bombing

my neighborhood, I guess there's nothing left to do but build a

bomb-shelter and learn how to fire an anti-aircraft gun."

Bush ended his press meeting by stressing that Americans unite and preserve

solidarity. "These will be pressing times," he said. "We're going to lose

some American airmen, and there will be a lot of collateral damage to the

cities surrounding our targets, but America must make a stand in the world

community and show that we will not let terrorist acts go unpunished."

[A satire by Eric B. Mitton. This is NOT a real press release. If you

thought it relevant, please forward it to others. You can contact the author at emitto01@tufts.edu]

[alejandro]

The Paranoial Times

Some kind of insane mind is now looking for all possible terrorist in internet, but that is excesive.

Translation of yesterday newspaper:

Jaime Fernandez, a young internet user from Valencia is now under investigation from NSA. September 13, he received an e-mail from NSA with a notice that his mail account is now "paralized" because he send some humorous e-mail to 7 friends, in this e-mail there was a picture with the title of Mr Bean Laden, the face of Bin Laden was modified with the Mr.Bean one.....

Well, that is a nonsense i have see the picture, Bin Laden looks like an idiot, and i dont know who is the stupid that thinks this is wrong.  

P.D:

NSA has nothing to do here, it is not allowed for an investigation against an Spanish citizen in Spain, they do it because before the terrorist attack they looks like idiots.