Mexican Bandito Pirates Scourge of the Great Lakes travel log

[Mahdi]

Mexican Bandito Pirate Scourge of the Great Lakes Tour Log

June 26

8:00 pm: Depart for Toronto in Nigels vehicle. The onions begin to dance.

8:02 pm: Wash car. The onions, exhausted, rest. They are very overwieght.

8:07 pm: Continue to Toronto.

8:45 pm: Encountermennonite gathering. Formulating plans for second Amish war?

8:48 pm: I, Pablo, propose the use of mice as primary foodstuff. Proposal rejected.

8:52 pm: Gas stop. Nigel has gone mad with power. I fear one of us will not survive the voyage.

9:00 pm: It is now 9:00 pm.

10:10 pm: Nigel and I are in agreement: We both need to piss. I fear the babouns are on our tail. We cacn only hope they are not multihued.

10:28 pm: We arrive in Toronto. There is no sign of Jose. I fear the worst

10:57 pm: Jose arrives unscathed.

June 27:

11:45 am: Jose and I leave to get our falsified paperspapers. We hope they will accept our counterfiet mone.

12:10 pm: Our sources screwed us. We have to remain north of the border. Now our only hope is to avoid the multihued baboons is to embark on a wildly erratic course with no set destination. May heaven help us.

1:15 pm: We finish eating at a hot waitress- um I mean British pub. We are now heading to collect Nigel.

1:35 pm: I need to brush my teeth. Damn pub fair. No wonder the english have such horrible teeth.

1:55 pm: Recieve message from Alejandro. English Outlaw Privateers discovered us at the Manchester Arms and are now on our scent, which is very strong.

2:00 pm: Two womenoffer to pay Jose and I money to eat chocolate. We foolishly accept. We have 17 hours to find the antidote.

3:23 pm: Set out ont he journey. The dice says west.

3:30 pm: Nigel and Jose begin to bicker. Out of spite Nigel refuses to give directions. The heat is oppresive. The AC does not work. The Multihued Baboons and English Outlaw Privateers are after us. We have been poisoned. We cannot cross the border. It will be an interesting couple of days.

4:44 pm: We have cracked 140 km/h. There is no way the English Outlaw Privateer Treasure Tempo can keep up with the swag mobile.

5:13 pm: We enter the Canadian Shield. Fewer pretty girls to pass by. Now the closest thing we have is Nigel. That flap of skin over his toe is hot.

8:00 pm: We discover the antidote to the chocolate pison: Beer. It is decided that with the multihued Baboons and English Outlaw Privateers on our tail we will atempt to cross the border despite our lack of papers. We have no other choice.

9:06 pm: We leave Sudbury. I think I saw a flash of hue....

June 28

12:33 am: We have maanged to sneak past the border despite a search of our vehicle and selves. The customs agents detained and interrogated us but ultimatley let us pass. I beleive this action may have tricked the Multihued Baboons as they were expecting us to take a more northern route. The English Outlaw Privateers are still behind us but will indoubitably encounter trouble at the border when custom agents find 137 pounds of decrepid cow carcass in their trunk.

12:51 am: America stinks like burning tires.

1:22 am: We find an abaondoned quarry and decide to turn in for the night.

6:27 am: On the road. The fuzz failed to find us and niether did the English Outlaw PRivateers. I saw them pass us by earlier in the morn. Percy was driving, Malcolm was in the passenger seat, and J-Fizzle was riding *****. Now we have the drop on them. AAARRRRRRREEEBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

The smell of burning tires is gone, but the misquotos and black flies are not.

6:36 am: The radio has funny voices.

6:45 am: Spot Big Momma's Mexican Cafe. Awesome.

7:36 am: It is no longer 9:00 pm.

9:00 am: By taking money from an ATM (at what was probably a hell of a cost) I won a free 16 oz. pop. Now something disproportionately bad must happen. Will the English Outlaw Privateers ambush us? Only time will tell.

Oh, and gas and beer are really friggin cheap.

9:09 am: We see the police for the first time since entering America. What kind of facist police state is this? Pathetic.

9:24 am: 1000 km mark, not counting trip to T.O. We passed a saloon. Good omen, but I fear I saw a baboon.

10:48 am: Baboon sighting confirmed. In an attempt to put some space between us Jose has executed a number of triple passes at speeds circuling 160 km/h. I can only hope it is enough. How the Multihued BAboons found us I will never know.

11:06 am: I realize that we recently passed into the central time zone, so it's relaly 10:06.

12:11 pm: The Multihued BAboons have chased us across the Michigan border into Wisonson. They are steadily gaining on us. I do not know how much longer we can evade there grasp. If they catch us I plan on using Nigel as a human shield and escape into the bush as they feast on his corpse. Those damn dirty Multihued Baboons!

1:58 pm: We reach the very tip of lake superior. It is a humbl- hey, a stop sign! Cool!

Anyway, we are still ahead of the Multihued Baboons but not by much. I have a plan but it invovles copious amounts of sour cream.

2:08 pm: We have entered Mennisota. We are runnign out of places to hide. We must make our stand agaisnt the Multihued Baboons! Dance Onions, Dance!

2:17 pm: Jose sounded the bugle and it was over in seconds. The sour cream saved the day. It will ce some time before the Multihued Baboons are a threat once more. I shall drink Canadian water to celebrate.

3:35 pm: It has now been 24 hours. We have travelled 1495 km. We are averaging 100 k/h. We anticipate crosssing ino Canada in6 anda half, 7 hours. The weather is good. The English Outlaw Privateers are nowhere to be seen.

4:42 pm: We reach the last page of the map book. Here there be monsters. Not cute monsters that are fun to hang with, but the indifferent kind that just sit around and smoke.

5:25 pm: The English Outlaw Privateers have mined the road. They must now realize we are behind them. Only Jose's keen eye sight and sharp reflexes sved us, so I gave him a biscuit. We must be exceedingly careful int he future.

6:30 pm: 12 hour mark. The world is flat, it's almost hypnotizing. Difficult not to zone out. Almost back in Canada. Another couple hours we will hit both the 2000 k mark and Winnipeg. The we celebrate. Where we will sleep we do not know. I expect to find few abandoned quarries.

6:58 pm: We pulled into a restaurant and see the treasure tempo rushing out. We decided to forgo the chase in favour of food. The food sucked so we bought Coors to see what it was like. Almost at the border.

To be continued.

[Mahdi]

7:58 pm: We cross the border. I stated I am a student, Nigel is unemployed, and Jose is in the reserves, so the customs agent assumes we are on our way to Winnipeg for buisness. I love the metric system.

8:53 pm: Winnipeg.

9:20 pm: Enter Winnipeg for a second time.

June 29:

8:21 am: Last night we got lost, Jose and Nigel fought like an old married couple (again), I urinated in public three times, and there was surprisingly little drinking invovled. After spending 2 hours lost we ended up at a bar and billards hall called Triple T (11:00 pm). There we played pool despite my broken wrist. We got a pitcher of Kokanee Gold to try. It was ass. Not dirty,d irty ass but ass nonetheless. The bartender gave me a free glass of Fort Barry's dark ale. It was not ass. Speaking of ass I'm about to fart again. My shipmates will not be pleased. Due to the free beer I decided not to steal the bars damn fine mugs. Instead I pissed on a dumpster, on a fence at McDonalds, stole a zoning sign, and, again, nearly pissed on Jose's car. A guy and his girlfriend were having an arguement near where I stole the sign. He saw me doing it and started laughing, causing his girlfriend to yell at him somemore ("Are you even listening to me?!"). Best part is, we were all sober. It was a fun evening, even if it did end at midnight local time due to Nigel's ocnstant whinning and near death.. We drove out of Winnipeg at 1:30 am our time and eventually parked on a sideroad where we slept in the car. All three of us. Nigel, the biggest, got stuck sleeping int he back seat. He had an asthma attack earlier and nealy died. In the backs eat of a Honda. In Winnipeg. What a way to go.... Partway through the night we were awakened by Jose opening the car door and throwing up. As the driver he had only had three beers throughought the entire evening. I beieve that was the problem. The poison must have still been in his system and he had not drank enough booze to fully counteract it. Either that or it had something to do with his eating some kind of moldy cinniamon bun with his first coffee in three years before going to bed.

We set out at 8:08 this morning. I released a giant fart saying "That'l wake you up in the morning boy." Since then I ahve farted many times. Fart fart fart fart. Fart. FART. Jose is crusing at a steady 150 clicks, so we are well on our way int he second half of our tour. We anticipate and English Outlaw Privateer anbush somewhere along the way. They must not take our smuggled American Styrofoam Chips. Fart.

8:51 am: Complete entry for 8:21. Damn wrist.

8:59 am: 160 clicks. I wonder if this thing has a governor in it and how we willg et home after Jose loses his liscence. and the car is impounded.

9:14 am: I relealize the route Nigel has chosen for use to use involves a number of border crossings. We turn off at the alst road before customs.

9:22 am: Lost on an Indian Reserve which the map claims does not exist.

9:29 am: Off the reserve.

9:31 am: Beware the grey goose....

9:34 am: 178 K to Winnipeg.

9:52 am: On 308. Pretty much as far from T-bay as we were when we woke up this morning.

10:46 am: Finally on the right road.

11:24 am: Enter Ontario.

5:24 pm: **** this is a boring orad.

5:20 We cross into Eastern Standard time. Excellent. Muhahahaha. Perogies are not worth a dollar each.

6:25 pm: We have entered T-bay. A good thing as we are runnign empty.

6:53 pm: Gas is 99.9. Damn.

9:39 pm: Leave War of the Worlds and continue home.

9:47 pm: 3000k. It is now raining. The remains of the reasure tempo can be seen on May St. The English Outlaw Privateers are no longer a threat, our styrofoam is same, and we have gained an unknown number of crumpets. 700k to the Saulte. We will stop to sleep before.

11:48 pm: We take a side road and pitch the tent outside some dude or dudettes laneway. Nigela nd I will be in the tent. I hope it does not rain.

June 30:

?:??: Massive thunderstorm. If God is bowling he;s sloppy drunk and still throwing a perfect game. The tent is flooded. The sleeping bags are drenched. We he withdrew to the swagmobile. This storm just won't quit.

8:23 am: On the road. Still raining heavy but sporadically. Breaking the tent was hilarious. Its pegs did nothing. It was blown around despite the wieght of the waterlogged sleeping bags inside. I think we are driving int he wrong direction.

8:36 am: The fog hans over the country like a heavy mist.

8:52 am: Mistake hydroline for land at the otherside of lake. Thsi is despite it being so foggy we can barley see out the windows. 9:09 am: We see that we are actually in a line of cars. Until now we jsut thought we were behidn a pick-up.

5:25 pm: Enter Sudbury.

7:25 pm: Finish dinner. at Ugi's. Awesome. $10 pitcher of Rickards Red and Pasta Fiesta. Jose now owes me one half penny. He almost cut off a ford escort. Fool. Those things'll kill ya.

7:31 pm: Jose turns left on a red light. He's a bigger threat to use than the Multihued Baboons and English Outlaw Privateers combined. Speakign of which, the survivng Multihued Baboons are being transported to the Green Bay zoo and the English Oulaw Privateers are being etradited for littering as there treasure tempo exploded mysteriously all over the movie theater parking lot.

7:35 pm: Haha, Mr. Lube is on highway 69.

7:41 pm: 388 km to go.

8:18 pm: Donut shops sitting derelict, drunks are urinating publicly, bums are sleeping soundly and prostitutes are accosting themselves. The OPP are striking the highways in full force.

8:27 pm: I swallowed a bug.

8:32 pm: I agree to perform the no butt dance on Jose's grave during his funeral.

8:34 pm: The sign did not say "Get sex, don't pass."

8:36 pm: I poke Jose witha pen.

8:39 pm: The desire to kill each other is growing to unberable proportions. The strained interaction, subtle and unsubtle insults, the fisticuffs.... I'm about ready to grab the wheel and drive us off one of those mountains while laughing maniacally. Maniaccally. MaNIACLY MANNICALLY manIccLLYYYYYY HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Why are tree's fluffy?

8:36 pm: Back at Nigels. 229312 on the Odometer. For a totally pointless, goaless, destinationless trip it was fairly successfull. Still, Jose and I are not home yet.

July 1:

10:26 am: Abandoning Nigel in T.O. This car is as jumpy as a Mexican bean. Couple hours and we will be home unless some travesty occurs.

10:45 am: Some travesty occurs.

11:04 am: 5th gear for the first time.

11:24 am: Family nudist park. How very wrong..

11:37 am: I hear the multihued Baboons havign sex on the radio as part of a condom comemrcial. They have allt he luck.

12:23 pm: Crazy shortcut time. Jose is turning wiccky in the wacky woo.

12:51 pm: I told him he turned east!

1:48 pm: Our journey ends. Rejoice onions, rejoice.