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Harkonnen Dawn


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This is a new story I am coming up with, mainly to bone up on my writing skills for an english story-writing class I am going to take, tell me what you think! I think it is very well written, very happy with it.


Abilamel looked out of the craft, onto the planet. Strips and lines of light that came from the city glowed like irridescent

lights. They were shadows of a long lost planet, where dwellings were built by rivers. The cities echoed this eerie fact, once these sprawling colonies

followed the sacred rivers that no longer exist. Geidi Prime isnt always a horrible place to look upon, in fact many come from around the galaxies

to view the upper canopies of the great spire-like buildings. They dont dare enter the innards of the planet though, where all the averice and evil that could

ever exist dwells within. It seems like the white washed walls of Delta Chusuck; beautiful and gleaming on the outside, but once covered with human waste

and all sorts of abominable things. That was really the great theme of House Harkonnen. Most people think of the Baron as just a stupid swine. How they

are wrong! He talks to you as a water nymph, with all the temptation and lust that one can contain. Within though he is as evil and as sickening as

the bottom of the planet which he so prizes. "And I am going to meet him this evening", grumbled Abilamel, not at all happy with his current lot in life.

He was to be the new mentat to House Harkonnen. Of course Abilamel was not the most noble of men, in fact he was downright evil in many ways. But

like most living things he had a heart for life, and all that grows. "Oh how I hate this place!".


At once when he left the space port, a man clad in black came up to him. He had a heart plug of course, which figured prominantly in the fear of all "citizens"

who lived in Geidi Prime. 'Of course they dont live on this forsaken planet, but within it.' thought Abilamel, not daring to rouse any anger from those around him.

The man scratched his head, looking like he had a lot on his mind. Speaking suddenly as if brought out of a stuper.

"You are summoned to meet His Greatness on time and with good manners. He expects you immediately, and if I may be so bold, I suggest you hurry. He is not at all in a good mood. You had better be as good as your record shows." The man sniffed, looking up and down at Abilamel with a damning eye.

"Well... then let us hurry! We shall not keep the royal lard waiting!" Abilamel squeaked, obviously insulted by hte last remark. "And if you have any manners at all, you will take me to him."

The man looked angry, but then a smile washed over the fear of what abilamel said, and laughed.

"Not many have the courage to speak to the Baron Leo with such contempt. Be glad that I am a soft soul, and will not write you up for your treasonous tongue." The man laughed again more heartily "It is refreshing to hear nonetheless, come! Oh, and by the way call me Tzisglia, Captain of The Guard."

Abilamel looked at the man and smiled. "You can never have too many friends. Go Tzisglia, and I will follow whereever you lead me."

Continuing down through the grand plaza, they entered a tram filled with many souls. The tram would lead them into the heart of Geidi Prime.

"An accursed place all together". growled Abilamel.

To be Continued...

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Abilamel looked out of the craft, onto the planet. Strips and lines of light that came from the city glowed like irridescent


One to many lights included in the beginning, but good otherwise ;) And saying strips and lines is somewhat redundant.

I would recommend:

Strips and sparkling dots of light shone from the city... (like whatever you want :D)

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