Exchange of Values

[TMA_1]

It seems to me that I always think. Sometimes I try to imagine what it is like to wipe your mind of all ideas, images, dreams... and then I realize that I am thinking about trying not to think. I laugh and then go on with the usual ritual of everyday living.

 Some nights though when I least expect it, a nervous and uncomfortable nothingness invades my mind. During these nights I go on walks to run from the shadows, to think again. I pray to God for protection and peace of mind, and daydream of being the great hero that I will never be. I think in absolutes, and in thinking in absolutes I delute my mind of all realities. So I contemplate in infinity, and wonder about eternity while strolling by the Division and Fir cross section of the road, which is close to my home. I almost regret opening the door, and wish that maybe I could think in the optimistic way that gives me true peace.

 I have heard from many kids that their room is their place of sanctuary, but mine is a jail. I trap myself into introversion, and fall back into the shadows of the nervous and uncomfortable nothingness. It is a harsh cycle, but it is life of sorts. I stop thinking when I am trapped, and only feel base emotions that leave me cold, like the feeling of crashing after a methamphetamine high. The walks are an outlet, a drug that lets me escape. It is funny that I strive to dream and not to fulfill my dreams. It seems that when I go on walks with those cold nights, greeting orion and the snake, I pray to God and heighten myself to an enlightenment of sorts. I see that dreams are realities not yet fulfilled. I then dream to see God in his glory. I then realize it is one harsh reality I will have to wait for.

 On this day, on this hour, on this minute, and this very second, I am thinking of the sound of my feet shuffle the sidewalk, and the cars that roar by. The world is in such a damn hurry that it cant calm down. The cold shadow creeps then when I think of the atonomy of individuals. While on this walk I am running from my room, from my fear of people, from reality itself to dream. To dream and to see the Lord. The ambiguity of life bothers me, but that is why I throw it all away to see the path that all paths point to. That is why I curse the atom, and the molecule. I know that my dreams are universes and realities that nobody else but me and God can see. Not even my beloved family dwells where my refuge resides. The universes only grow when I read my books, to hear of a young american in Italy during the great war, where Hemmingway so artfully illustrates the mode of overthinking. I go to Arrakis where the dunes are real, where the people are real. I travel to hades to speak to virgil, the sad and pitiful man of hades who was once glorious in his writings. I travel with a small man to the gates of heaven, watching his progress. I dream the dreams that others have created, and adapt them to my own worlds. I approch the door to my house, open it and then lock it behind me because I am the only one in the house. After getting a soda I sit on the couch to relax.

"You there Sam?" Bobby yells from outside the window of my house, it has been his way of greeting me since first grade.

I open the window to see what he has to say, indefferent to the physical from thinking.

"Want to go watch Citizen Kane? I just got the DVD."

"Its okay Bobby, I have already seen it. I am just relaxing right now, thinking about stuff."

bobby cocks his head, giving me a funny look.

"What is the "stuff" you are referring to?"

Oh, you wouldnt understand man, it is just a bunch of random ideas, things that are personal." I said.

"Look -- We have been friends for a long time now, you can tell me anything."

Thinking about the situation, I begin to fear that my feelings will fly right over his head. not in an arrogant sort of way, but in the reality that he himself doesnt think the same way.

"Well if you want to hear, then go to the door, ill unlock it for you,"

After a few moments Bobby walks through the doorway. "So whats up?"

I walk upstairs and he follows, we sit on the couch, the T.V. blaring an add for leptoprin, one of those weightloss pills that in all realities doesnt work. I look at his face and notice his upper lip is twitching.

"Well lets see... where should i start? I started thinking about how when you think of things, you see that they are just as real as me speaking to you right now, they just havent been acted out in the physical realm."

Bobby laughed, I recoiled in my thoughts.

"Getting a little corny there arent ya man? My family and I have traveled to many places in the world, nothing can compare to the reality of it all."

"Well first of all bobby" I said, "You have to understand that my folks are not as rich as yours are, and also that I see nothing "real" about matter and energy, they are just as etherial at their base levels as the thoughts of a person's mind. In fact thoughts and spiritual things are even more real because they idealize things, and fulfill the desires of what you think true reality is. In that place I can pray to God, and calm myself. Being stuck in the confines of this house, and of this world only makes me claustrophobic."

Bobby giggled

"hmmm... you okay man? getting a little deep there arent you? besides you should relax, I am throwing a party soon, sort of an post-dance get together. Because your my best friend I invited you even though you didnt come to the prom."

"Thanks all the same Bobby, but I would like to relax here at home."

There, I thought, that should get him to leave.

"Well -- okay man. You sure everything is okay? you upset about something?"

"nope".

"Well okay see ya at school tomorrow. cheer up dude!"

After walking him to the door, exchanging small talk and seeing him off I go back to the couch and think.

I knew he wouldnt understand how I felt.