Kiyouta Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 my new poem ' i ate 'and i atei ate so far awayi just atei ate all night and dayYou cannot be serious. I know the rules state no death threats... but this MUST demand an exception.i ate all night and daywoke up with a hang overWhat the hell are you talking about? What are you like 6 years old?? You don't get hang overs from eating you moron. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khan Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 It seems a lot like the I ran poem that you stole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowzeewee Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 The ball of fire rose up from the darkened grounds,As the lifeless bodies of our tribesmen lay,With fire still consuming them bit by bit,The sound of a million horseshoes was heard,The Iron Horse's skin tore open,Not revealing any red bloody flesh,But thousands of white aliens,Carrying thundersticks,Dressing alike,The aliens rushed towards us,Their thundersticks puffing away at us as we fell by the hundreds,Undeterred by our fallen comrades and fearless as ever,The remnants of us bullrushed forward,My spear tasted blood,Oh how sweet it must have been,one loud blast,and then my own dripped down,Covering my face,Spilling into my mouth,I fell,I fell courageously,My task is complete,I felt that I was like a bird,Free as ever..."Sir, the Indies are cleared out" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoon Knight Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 So I'm browsing my computer, sorting through the screeds and screeds of ye olde documentse that I have lying around in various folders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoon Knight Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 On a totally opposite note, I have just managed to find the poem I did back in 1996, when I was only 9 years old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Well, my lazy, non-reviewing butt has finally been kicked into gear for reasons that I choose to keep shadowy and secretive because I'm hoping it will annoy you. Firstly, a calm and collected first impression of the poem directly above;"You were writing like that when you were nine?!"Come to that, so was I, but I destroyed them all and degenerated since then; honest.Now, a slightly more detailed approach:I thought it flowed very well (though I have not recited it out loud to see if it performs well when spoken, I have no wish to be considered mad in any ways other than I already am), though the chorus seemed a little long. I do wonder, since you mention those thrice-cursed hymns, if it was meant to be sung rather than spoken, and by this I mean to a specific musical piece. Hmm, thinking about it, I think spoken is probably better. The second and fourth lines of the last verse don't quite fit, but it would be difficult to get them to do so. I can't really comment on the depth or meaning to the piece, since I'm not a good reviewer and I don't let myself get immersed in the work. Examining it from a detached point of view, however, I can see that the limerick-like recitation has been used very well (snobs would say inappropriately, but what do they know?); and there doesn't appear to be any glaring error, though some of the patterns don't quite match unless you twist the words a li'l bit. Nevertheless, a glowing work. Must be the radiation.I really like the former of the two, but I tend to prefer light-hearted poetry anyway. Again, it doesn't quite match, but in humorous works it doesn't really matter. In fact sometimes it adds to the effect quite nicely. [Why couldn't we ever do anything like that in English? Bah!] You done good, chum, you done good. Spleeeeeeeee.......... Soryy, I'm losing patience with this post. I'm rambling, and that's never a good thing. Just take everything I've already said and multiply it, that should do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nemafakei Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Also remeniscent to me of a certin song..."We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day."Ever heard that one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted September 13, 2004 Author Share Posted September 13, 2004 Here's a brief critique:We'll Meet Again1. "I know you're going to miss me,"She muttered there in bed.She then got up and kissed me,And this is what she said:Chorus: "We all know I'm going to die,There's nothing we can do.And just as you'll be missing me,I'll be missing you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted September 13, 2004 Author Share Posted September 13, 2004 ForewordFor I am on the verge of life.Let me step back.The guttering where the toads cry outtwists around the world,twists around and snakes.This world is brick and fog,a smoglays thick across this space.Now watch where all the twines arrive,commute;they drivealong the long and sundry avenueswhere numbers count each worth;where numbers strap across each tattooed arm.I sit and smileand suck a teabag.Let these walls dissolve.There is a knock, a coughupon the lock. Oak woodaround this smoky den -- a portalopened like two parted toes.Cheeks rosed and blushed, mouthhushed and small and red, a girl with flowerson this hourtaps against my bedroom door.The waves of tiny lips both heave and break and giggle and she wriggles out of sight for me to chase.I circumnavigate the iris in her woven hair,and down the worm-wood steps,through the door, the light! the light!I mighthave known that in following this wayward angel,I would see upon the coming door:TAMFOA BEBRE (the enemy will stew in his own juice).The sodden souls of midnight peoples filter through the air.The fog is in my throat, my nose and hair.Along the wharfs the cats cry out,a child at play, dark palms and sweaty face.The chase goes onup along the roofs, across the curling steamsmeared upon the window panes.The Witching Moon glares downmy shoulders, our shoulders, backsand heads borne up and showered with precocious spears.This saline growth, condensed in gas,begins to fade. Heavy breathingwith the chorus of laughterechoing through grey, grey streets.We burst through a sporadic trance,another nostalgia,and we dance through destined stepsbeneath heaven's toothy glance.The darkness diesand we slide through a summer's day.This old house is overgrown.I remember crawling through the plantsand playing in the basic soil. Onlythere are people all around, all frozenmid-step, petrified in their farcical humour,their wretched guffaws and champagne chat.Fancy that.We waltz on through.The sky is damaged, cut up, broken tilesfor miles around.Old house, you've weathered with my dreams.The sunlight splits and bulges grossly through the gaps,spitting on our skin. I have you, tell me your secrets.A box. She smiles and holds it out, palm flat.Like that.It opens with a sigh, I know that this duplicityis centred here. I fear that what I learnwill rid me of my ignorance, but only just enoughto force me through those midnight streets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert_Eagle25 Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 I don't know if it's any good or anything...but here's something I wrote for a girl I feel deeply for...Once, I asked myself"Where have I gone?""What have I done with myself?""Why can't I ever succeed?"But I was weak,But I was foolish.I see now,I realize now,I was blinded,By the eternal veils of life.I saw no purpose for myself,Nor do I still.But what I do know,Is that purpose will find me.I was going to Bury it,Smother it,Murder it,Put it away, for no one to see.But it's something beautiful,Not black and shriveled,Only a seed;Unblooming,Undying,Unyielding.It defeats me, and I must express it:It is my love.I will always be here.Always for you.I will always support you.Always for you.I will take the pain, to see you smile.Always for you.I will not yield, because you are my Sihaya,Even if I am your nothing.Always for you.I would give it all, take it all,Endure it all, and I will not fail you.I will not let you fall.I will not let you fail.And I will never let you drop a tear,For me, or otherwise.Always for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted December 11, 2004 Author Share Posted December 11, 2004 The Last UnknownThis cavern echoes Death throughout its rocks.Indeed, its rocks are made of Death: a Deathmade palpable. My breath, a nostalgiaof what is warm above, where fire still falls,flows like liquid ash in the false orangeof my lantern. The air is still. Silenceis king in shadowland, reigning with easethe lofty deserts of this great crevasse.My lamp seems wont to cast more shade than shineits aura in the dark. But there's a thing:a pool that gapes beside my dusty bootsand swirls with fog. I lower my dim lightwhile dark clouds circulate and froth. The gloomfalls back a way to let me see that placereflected fully in that maw. There wasDeath. Death, a world obscured by fluid mist,a land of flitting shades I feel I know,so strain I, eyes close to the darkened gate.My ears, already blue from fog, are wrenchedby sound: my name, echoed in the steel cloudsbeyond a crumbling wall built of odd stonescemented with what might as well be steam. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMA_1 Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Here is a new poem I wrote. It is an abstraction of feelings I had, and images that deal with the issues at their core.Untitled: by Titus MandahlDissolving in my mindFermenting in a pool of Seminal power conduitsTime of cleansing Dialysis in reaction toSubtraction of black roilingSteaming tar laden sadnessSuck the punk out of meThe chemical tyrannypoison is timeMorphius mind in seasonEyes are a prize for motionlessSorrowful mandolin In fetters of chainless connectorsSelecting a delicate prerequisite Of missions to the vaginaIt clicks like the motor armLike mandibles of mannequinsWithout the aid of skinWhat tar has taken awaySynthetic flesh is left Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cybopache Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Â Â Â Â Â Well I`m deeply impressed of what you all are writing, wanna be T.SÂ ;) are writing really good, really good.(Remember me when you get the royalty check hehehe).Here is one of my lyrics written a loooong time ago.ROSALIE & DANNYÂ manna dessiDanny keeps on going on his bleeding restless feetHunting high and low he can Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umma Kynes Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 In the darkness, I crawlSeeking to find light.The gripping feeling of etherialityIs squeezing my senses to a pulp.The pain I feel is oh so greatI have lost earthly feeling.I continue to struggleI try as I might.(it's imcomplete right now, I'll update it later) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Spac Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 I read about half the poems (getting sleepy) their pretty good too, you guys are pretty talented.Here is one of mine.Million Tears=============The news struck me like,A dagger in the chest,This is my worst day,Sadder then the rest.My mind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gowachin Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 I'm enjoying all of the talented poets here! I am amazed at the length of so many of these poems. Keeping the subject matter and the structure all together has alway been difficult for me. I think that is why I like haiku. A songwriter I'll never be!So... here are two Dune inspired haiku. Hope they are enjoyable!They tried and failed?   one dropThey tried and died.Wise in the ways...  hop-hop-hopMaud'Dib is no mouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acriku Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Decided to post a couple of my poems recently made. Enjoy :)The Insanities of a Maddened Carnival Ring-LeaderIn the spotlight is where I shineThe darkness beckons out of line,But that is where nobody can seeThe evil that's crept inside of me.Fire burns and sharp steel cutsThe evil inside is making me nuts,For that is what I fear it'll doThe very next time that I see you.Creep crawl snap break and twistDeep inside I'm making a long list,Of those who hurt me and those who willI'll quench my thirst from every kill.Don't be afraid my dear, sweet childUntil I get to you it'll be a long while,But pay attention when I call your nameYour state of life will never be the same.-----------------------------------Love, Serve, RememberIn the days that pass with the sun on our backsLife is but a blink without our love to fulfill,It doesn't seem that it needs a perfect saviourBeauty lets nature set its course and final will...I will not bow to any timber, gold or brassDo not give me a prayer for the long night,I do not need to soak my head heavyWith parables and miracles telling me right.Do not try to convince me with holy imageryBut I might sit down to hear stories of the past,False gods and angels are found plentiful in dreamsBut their mystics and magic lie naturally uncast.In essence I find the power of God lackingLest He strike me down with enormous fury,And it cowers to the power that does existWhen love is found and found with no worry.Let myself become the Hanuman of RamIn order to love, serve, and rememberBut let my love be that of you and not GodAnd my worship be of you and not timber. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acriku Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Hey, another poem from when I was pissed off haha:<Etches of My Insanity Show No Mercy>You drones of ignorance are everywhereIt leaves me a foul stench, it isn't fairTo have to listen to your shit all dayI couldn't care less for you anyway.Hide your broken face with smilesIt doesn't fool me of your bitter soul,While you reveal your unclean thoughtsI'll wait for the day for it to take its toll.Practiced and unfelt words are your verbageThey mean nothing and they mean your life,I can ignore your insults until I break downInto what I've been hiding with so much strife.You can't hide from me, little fucking girlYou won't escape from what I have to say,You'll sit and shut up and look into my eyesBecause this will change you in every way.Call me fucking arrogant once more my dearAnd I will show you what it's like for me,To be alone in the world with no one to understandOr to care so much and have no one there to see.To break down inside and conceal the fallIs something you can't do without losing it all,And try as I might, my foundation is weakerSo soon it'll show through the holes in the wall.I have no importance that I play in my mindI have no effect that others have on me,I am a light branch held helplessly in the windThat doesn't think of itself as a mighty tree.So keep your insults because I am finishedI've reached my edge and I'm set for the fall,You are the push and the wind that guide meInto what I have fought and hated most of all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acriku Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Guess I'm the only one keeping this thread somewhat alive currently. I would like to see other people though!'Twas The Moon's Turned Eye I LovedThe night casted its shadows upon the treeAnd I held them over to blanket me,To keep me from seeing the terrors alignOutside this little blanket of mine.The whisping of the long branches stood clearFrom the rustling of the terrors that drew near,And in case it helped I cried for the divineOutside this little blanket of mine.No one came, not a sign to show its graceLeft alone with the tree that loomed over this place,The terrors came closer to the tree's deep whineOutside this little blanket of mine.Nothing else to do but hide in the nightIf only they knew who hid with great fright,But ignorance lay cause to their passing of the pineOutside this little blanket of mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollyon Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 CreativityI keep constructing roads for you to tread,or creep, a shadow dusting tracks on dirt,stooping beneath willows that fill your headwith fronds curling into grief. Seagulls spurtupwards like anti-lightning while I pourwater into your ears--until you crawlthe sea. The shark, the raving diver: theseare you, assimilated by your eyesand mixing. Soon his wetsuit grows a fin,the shark wears goggles, and you disappearover a hill towards the sun, which spinsa violin bowstring of cloud. You severit, reckless, heroic, while sunlight sings:You never stop, you never stop, you never Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mahdi Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 4 years since last post.Click here for an explanation on why threads are being unstickied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arnoldo Posted May 26, 2010 Share Posted May 26, 2010 Shimmering sun-burnt orange desertUnder shadows Muad'Dib emergesAbove hawk swoops Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandChigger Posted May 26, 2010 Share Posted May 26, 2010 Shimmering sun-burnt orange desertUnder shadows Muad'Dib emergesAbove hawk swoops<i><b>The meter's all wrong.The imagery, trite.And worst of all?Fremen travel by night.</b></i> ;D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piterdevries Posted May 26, 2010 Share Posted May 26, 2010 Lemme give this a shot..."Player, Virgin, Gamer"I found a world where now I liveA reality I believeSwirling colors and vast landscapeNot minding the pain on my napeI'm accepted for who I amAs I mingle with all of themWith flashing epic gear I wieldAtop my mount I charge the fieldSwinging left and right in a crazeMy godlike power made them braceI saved the world from terrorists'Midst the discomfort on my wristsMP5 Navy and handgunAnd hand grenades got the job doneThen rabid zombies plagued the worldCharging wildly while Boomers hurledMy guns made short work of them allAs the chopper came on rain fallFrom the Deceiver to the BloodthirsterWith all my heart I called them 'brother'And not a night was ever rightWithout Maria Ozawa in my sightI loved being with Aang and AppaBianca Freire and Natt ChanapaI frag and win with pure delightI splatter gibs with all my mightWith zeal I cut down all my foesAnd watch them suffer in their death throesI'm a gamer, plain and simpleWith my abilities I stand tallNerd, Geek, Addict, they all call me"Basement dweller," my taxonomyI don't care, I don't give a damnAt least I'm proud of who I am Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arnoldo Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 <i><b>The meter's all wrong.The imagery, trite.And worst of all?Fremen travel by night.</b></i> ;D<i><b>Spawn of a louseMuad'Dib was a mouse!And if fremen slept by day'Twas to escape the sun's rays</b></i> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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